I am 10 days from second attempt at surgery.  Saw my endocrinologist on Thursday, September 13 and he was very discouraging and frustrating to me.  He said that because I had gained 1.6 lbs and am at 325.6 that surgery might now happen. The surgeon ideally wants me under 300 lbs. That is all fine and dandy, except for the fact that Cushing's is why I weigh so much. It's not just magically going to come off because they put me on meds and restrict my diet.  I started counting calories for real to make sure how many I was taking in.  I'm eating between 1200 and 1400 calories a day, which is the diet the surgeon put me on. I am following the rules and doing what I can. It's not my fault that I am NOT losing weight.  Going to call surgeon's office today to confirm if surgery is dependant on weightloss. 

I don't feel I can wait much longer for this surgery.  My right side is starting to hurt a lot more. I am afraid the tumor is growing or it is cancerous and spreading.  They could not determine from the CT they did May 31 if it was cancerous or not.  I am very nervous about it being cancer and all this time has allowed it to spread.  I guess we will find out once they finally remove it.

During my endocrinologist visit he took me off the Ketoconazole.  Said it is not working and it is starting to damage my liver, like I need more damage there... So, discontinued that and started me on Levemir for my Type 2 Diabetes.  My fasting blood sugar average is 300. That's way too high.  So far with all the medicines I am taking it's not doing anything for me.  Not working.. Don't know what they are going to have to do to make it work.  My blood pressure has been good at least.  That is the one thing that is keeping me encouraged and going is that it is staying in range where it needs to be.

I have been reflecting on my life.. Where I am now and all that I have been through.  Also reflecting on where I want my life to go.  I have been examining what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have different angles to look at now.  I have to be realistic and consider what I want to do for a job in case I can't go back to my old job.  Also have to consider what I will do if I end up in the wheelchair because of my muscle and leg weakness.  Lots of things to think about.  And of course, it goes through my mind of what will happen to my family if I die.  It's a real  possibility and it scares us all.  I just have to pray and trust that God has a plan in mind for us and I will accept it no matter what it is.  There is a reason for everything.  I will not give up. I will fight.  I will win.