I'm off to St. Louis again today.  This will be a long day. It will be round trip.  My mom, husband, and myself will leave around 8:30 am and get back around 7:00 pm tonight.  It is just a "quick" trip for my pre-op and anesthesia visit.  They will do all the paperwork for my surgery.  They will also do blood work and probably another EKG.  I've done one of these visits before for the cancelled surgery.  I'm getting nervous and anxious because I am hopefully a week and a half away from surgery.  I am just scared something else is going to come up and they are going to cancel it again.  I want this surgery to go. I need this surgery to be done with.  I cannot figure out what else is wrong with me and start the healing process without this surgery completed.  I guess I just have to pray and hope it goes this time.

I have been thinking about what Cushing's has taught me or rather forced me to learn out of necessity.  I have learned to be more patient.  I can't rush through things anymore.  I depend on a wheelchair for mobility most of the time now.  I depend on other people helping me a lot now because I can't physically do a lot of things I used to do.  My goal is to get my independence back once this surgery is over and I start recovering.  I certainly don't judge people like I used to.  I'll admit I was one of those people who would look at someone and say.... they don't look sick or they are just fat and need to lose weight.  What is wrong with them?  I had learned this lesson a little by watching my dad and my first husband go through their illnesses.  It really hits home with me now.  I have a lot of things wrong with me, but to look at me you wouldn't really be able to see them.  I look like I'm just a lazy, fat woman who needs to lose weight.  You can't see the fact that my heart rate is about 110 - 120 beats per minute just sitting still.  Every time I stand up and just walk 5 or 6 steps my heart rate increases by about 20 or 30 beats per minute and if I were wearing a heart monitor it would send alarms off. My body aches all the time and makes it difficult for me to move.  My muscles are stiff and the longer I sit, the stiffer they get.  That also makes it difficult for me to move.  There are many more symptoms I have, but that gives the general idea of how I understand and have opened my eyes more to not be so judgemental of people.  I now really understand that everyone has their own story and unless you know their story you shouldn't judge them.  I do understand that there are people who are just mean and hateful, but I also understand that life and the way they have been treated may be part of the reason they are that way.

I guess my point to all of that is to not judge people too quickly.  We should all try to be more understanding and tolerant of each other.  Maybe if we helped people out and showed a little more kindness to each other the world wouldn't be such a stressful place.  It really touches me to see stories about family, friends, and strangers helping people out in their darkest hours.  I recently saw a story about a couple who ended up finding out they both have cancer.  The couple have two young boys and their income has been affected because they are both going through cancer treatment.  People are coming out of the woodwork to help them.  That makes me happy to see stories like this.  This is what the world needs more of.

Ok... embarrassing confession time... For some reason, because of the Cushing's and the things it does to my brain... I am scared of stuffed Winnie the Pooh's.  My husband has two stuffed Winnie the Pooh's.  Nothing special about them, just stuff toys.  They don't sing or dance, just stuffed animals.  I was having one of my attacks about a week ago and he was helping me lay down.  For some reason the dang Winnie the Pooh's were on his side of the bed.  They scared the crap out of me and made the attack worse.  I haven't been able to look at them since.  Just the thought of them in the closet or somewhere scares me.  I start shaking and having another attack when I see them.  It is embarrassing to think about, but important for me to post here because it shows just how crazy Cushing's Syndrome is.  It does bizarre things to your brain and there really is no explanation for why it is happening.  It is very frustrating.  Well, I guess I better go for now... Off to St. Louis.