It's been a few years since I went through my journey of testing for Cushing's Syndrome. I remember the anticipation, fear, worry, horror, and just the jumble of emotions I was feeling at the time. I went through a number of doctors before I finally found someone who cared. A doctor who actually practiced medicine and wanted to find out what was wrong with me and help me get better. My primary care doctor figured out what was wrong with me the minute he walked in the room and saw me. We just had to jump through all the hoops and do all the testing. He ran blood tests, called within a couple of days and I was referred to an endocrinologist. My initial blood work showed a tumor of some sort in my body.
I was referred to the endo and we started testing. I had previously been diagnosed with PCOS and pre-diabetes many years before the doctors suspected I had Cushing's Syndrome. I was put on Metformin at the time to help control these issues. I was still taking it. When I was in the process of testing for Cushing's many of my tests were coming out in the low to normal range, especially my cortisol readings. I refused to let my endo delay me further in getting some kind of diagnosis. I had cried myself to sleep too many times. I was gaining weight at an alarming rate. I couldn't give up once I had finally found something that made sense. Something that I could get fixed. Something that would let me have a light at the end of my tunnel. I ask my endo if it were possible that the medications I was on could be affecting my lab results. He said there was a possibility. We discussed this at length and agreed to take me off all my medicines so my body would have a "normal" or "clean" result. I was supposed to be off all meds for a month but it took less than two weeks to have my blood sugar shoot up 600+. I was hospitalized to stabilize my blood sugar and my other tests were re-ordered. This time they came out pretty much by the book for Cushing's. My cortisol tested very high. So I finally had my answer. I still had to take the dex suppression test. I failed it. I was finally diagnosed with Cushing's. Now, to figure out if it was a pituitary or adrenal tumor. The blood test I had taken at my primary care doctors office had indicated an adrenal tumor. So, I was sent for an MRI of my abdomen. I made sure to tell the technician that they were checking for a tumor on my adrenal glands. I had already told my endo that they were going to find a tumor on my right adrenal gland. I even told him that I could pinpoint for him exactly where the tumor and adrenal gland were located at that time. I had been having excruciating pain in my right side that would wake me up from a deep sleep. It had started out happening maybe once or twice a month. It was now to the point I could barely sleep. I woke up numerous times a night in agonizing pain. I even tried to sleep sitting up to see if that would help. Trying to relieve as much pressure as possible from my back.
Finally, the MRI results were in. My endo called me personally, on a Saturday that he was NOT on call. He was supposed to be off. But, he knew I was anxiously awaiting my results, so he called me to say they were in. He knew I had access to my online records. He advised me to sit down, read over the test results, do the research he knew I would be doing, and then he scheduled an appointment with me for the following week so we could go over the test results in person. He said if I had any questions before that to feel free to call and ask him. I went home immediately and read my results. Right side adrenal gland tumor. They could not tell if it were cancerous or not. They did recommend surgical intervention to remove the adrenal gland and tumor. Finally, after all this time, I had a light. It wasn't real bright, but it was there. I still had a lot to figure out and a lot to go through, but at least I knew which direction I was headed.
I tell this story just to let you know if you are in the testing stages of anything medical, don't get discouraged or give up. You know your body better than anyone else does. Discuss with your doctor any possibility that medication you may be taking could affect your test results. Try to look at all angles to figure out what your problem might be. Good Luck and Good Health to all. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Life in general
It's hard when you have a disease to concentrate on life in general. Everyday life is no longer "normal" for you. You have to refocus your thoughts and energy to fighting this disease you have. When you have multiple chronic illnesses it becomes even more stressful. Having problems like diabetes, Cushing's, and sleep apnea, for example, require you to focus on what you eat, how you go through your day, medication, insulin (if needed), time management (crucial to planning meals and medicines). Something as simple as what time you eat, take your medicine, check your blood sugars, etc. become very important. It really can change the outcome of your day and how you feel in general.
It's very hard to plan a day ahead of time. You can't really make long distance obligations. If you do, you must make sure everyone involved in those plans know that you may have to cancel at the last minute. Having these diseases you really do have to live day to day and moment to moment. I can be totally fine, happy, up and moving around one minute and sick, vomiting, body aches, maybe my blood sugar is off, maybe I have a cortisol rush the next minute and I feel like crap. Or the reverse can happen. I have actually cancelled plans because I felt like crap and then was able to regulate medicines and insulin enough to get better and make it to an event after all.
It's important to have a support system in your life. I used to have a strong, loving support system. Or so I thought. Stupid me. I now have a select few people who are VERY close to me and offer support on a daily basis. I have my mom. She is my blessing. She is my friend. She takes care of me. I admire my mom for all she has been through and that she is still living on her own, functioning, living a productive life. I also have two of my kids... My 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son. They love mommy very much and they are here for me. They understand my illnesses, my medications, and my craziness. They know what to do when mom gets sick. They take such good care of me. It sounds strange, but it was very refreshing a couple of weeks ago. They were both sick and I was the healthy one. It was strange but I loved being able to take care of my kids and get them well. That's the way it's supposed to be. Mom taking care of kids, not the other way around. Not at the age they are anyway. Then, you have my oldest daughter. She isn't supportive at all anymore. She told me that all I can do is talk about my health and how bad off I am. I am a "waste of her time and breath." That was a fine slap in the face to hear. But, I respect her opinion as her own. She is entitled to think and feel however she wants. So, I also respect that she wants nothing to do with me now. It hurts, stings, burns, is very sad. But I respect it and I go on with my life. It's her loss. I will always be here and always love her. I pray that one day she will speak to me again and we can have a healthy relationship. Only time will tell.
I have become more active in some of my Facebook Groups. I really enjoy talking to my fellow diabetics and Cushies. They are wonderful to talk to because we all understand one another. Who better to truly understand you then someone who actually walks a mile in shoes like yours? They may not have exactly the same problems because everyone is different. But it's close enough. They KNOW what you are going through. We can talk and vent and help one another. Support systems are important. In becoming more active I have come up with a catch phrase I like to end my posts with.... Good Luck and Good Health to you all.
It's very hard to plan a day ahead of time. You can't really make long distance obligations. If you do, you must make sure everyone involved in those plans know that you may have to cancel at the last minute. Having these diseases you really do have to live day to day and moment to moment. I can be totally fine, happy, up and moving around one minute and sick, vomiting, body aches, maybe my blood sugar is off, maybe I have a cortisol rush the next minute and I feel like crap. Or the reverse can happen. I have actually cancelled plans because I felt like crap and then was able to regulate medicines and insulin enough to get better and make it to an event after all.
It's important to have a support system in your life. I used to have a strong, loving support system. Or so I thought. Stupid me. I now have a select few people who are VERY close to me and offer support on a daily basis. I have my mom. She is my blessing. She is my friend. She takes care of me. I admire my mom for all she has been through and that she is still living on her own, functioning, living a productive life. I also have two of my kids... My 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son. They love mommy very much and they are here for me. They understand my illnesses, my medications, and my craziness. They know what to do when mom gets sick. They take such good care of me. It sounds strange, but it was very refreshing a couple of weeks ago. They were both sick and I was the healthy one. It was strange but I loved being able to take care of my kids and get them well. That's the way it's supposed to be. Mom taking care of kids, not the other way around. Not at the age they are anyway. Then, you have my oldest daughter. She isn't supportive at all anymore. She told me that all I can do is talk about my health and how bad off I am. I am a "waste of her time and breath." That was a fine slap in the face to hear. But, I respect her opinion as her own. She is entitled to think and feel however she wants. So, I also respect that she wants nothing to do with me now. It hurts, stings, burns, is very sad. But I respect it and I go on with my life. It's her loss. I will always be here and always love her. I pray that one day she will speak to me again and we can have a healthy relationship. Only time will tell.
I have become more active in some of my Facebook Groups. I really enjoy talking to my fellow diabetics and Cushies. They are wonderful to talk to because we all understand one another. Who better to truly understand you then someone who actually walks a mile in shoes like yours? They may not have exactly the same problems because everyone is different. But it's close enough. They KNOW what you are going through. We can talk and vent and help one another. Support systems are important. In becoming more active I have come up with a catch phrase I like to end my posts with.... Good Luck and Good Health to you all.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Slow going......
My kids have been out of school for a week. Monday, March 16 is the last day of Spring Break and then they return to school. First, I can't believe the school year is going so fast. Second, I can't believe they are growing up so fast. Third, I hate the way I have been feeling. My blood sugar has been uncontrolled. I have had several lows during the week. It has really shocked me. I'm used to the highs. That is what I usually run. Anywhere is the 400 - 500 range is what my body and I are used to. Then, I was finally able to get those numbers down and under control. They were actually running from 120 - 170. I know the 170 is high, but not nearly as high as it had been. So, I was happy. We were headed in the right direction. I started having more energy. My chronic pain meds were changed. I was taken off Fentanyl patch every 3 days and morphine every 4 hours for break through pain. My pain management doctor changed me to Butrans patches one a week and Suboxone strips every 12 hours. It is a work in progress. But the pain is a lot less in my lower back and all over in general. So, I have been able to get up and be more productive. Cleaning house, doing dishes, doing laundry, just doing "normal" everyday tasks that I couldn't always do anymore. It has been wonderful. Then, a routine trip to the grocery store for some things turned into a nightmare when I crashed. I have had two such grocery store nightmares now. So, I've learned that even something as mundane as grocery shopping IS considered exercise and you must check blood sugar levels before attempting this.
Why is my life so upside down? I'm scared to do things again. I want to be safe and I certainly don't want to be out somewhere with my kids and crash. That would be frightening for all of us. I'm sure my kids would be able to get help and they would know what to do. But it would also scare them being in public and having to rely on strangers for help. Besides, I've scared them enough when I have gotten sick, I don't need to add to it. I'm very scared of doing things. Even something as simple as walking to the park. I want to be more active and I told the kids we would walk to the park. We live real close to one so it wouldn't be a far off venture. I just haven't felt real good and I want to avoid getting sick on our walk. I know I'm going to have to get over this fear. I need to make the kids lives as normal as possible. I already feel their life is stifled by me because I am a single, diabetic, Cushing's mom. This is a hard role to balance. But I will do a little more research, get a little stronger and braver, and take the kids for that walk. Slow does the trick. I will try to be as relaxed as possible and not push myself too hard. That should keep my symptoms under control and my blood sugar in a good range.
Why is my life so upside down? I'm scared to do things again. I want to be safe and I certainly don't want to be out somewhere with my kids and crash. That would be frightening for all of us. I'm sure my kids would be able to get help and they would know what to do. But it would also scare them being in public and having to rely on strangers for help. Besides, I've scared them enough when I have gotten sick, I don't need to add to it. I'm very scared of doing things. Even something as simple as walking to the park. I want to be more active and I told the kids we would walk to the park. We live real close to one so it wouldn't be a far off venture. I just haven't felt real good and I want to avoid getting sick on our walk. I know I'm going to have to get over this fear. I need to make the kids lives as normal as possible. I already feel their life is stifled by me because I am a single, diabetic, Cushing's mom. This is a hard role to balance. But I will do a little more research, get a little stronger and braver, and take the kids for that walk. Slow does the trick. I will try to be as relaxed as possible and not push myself too hard. That should keep my symptoms under control and my blood sugar in a good range.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Checking in with the doctors.....
I keep regular appointments with my doctors. I see them very often. Fortunately, I have been doing well enough that I see my family doctor about once every three months. My endo is a little more complicated. I had worked up to where I was only seeing him every six months as long as I check in and see his Physician Assistant every two to three months. That was when I was doing better. In the last few weeks to month my blood sugar has decided to not stay in control anymore. I think this is due, in part, to my activity level increasing. My pain management doctor put me on a new medicine. I am on a Butrans patch that I change once a week and I also take Suboxone twice a day. It is a strip that dissolves under my tongue. So, pain is under better control and I am up and functioning more. It is liberating to be able to stand for longer periods and do my dishes or laundry or even be able to take a shower without needing a nap afterwards. I still get tired, but not as tired and not for as long. I am finally making progress.
Now comes the trouble. Since I am up and moving more my blood sugar has been all over the place. First it will be too high. So I will take my insulin, drink my water, and do some household chores or go to the store. Then, I crash!!! Grocery shopping is an absolute nightmare because I have crashed the last two times I have went shopping. It has been a disaster. Luckily, my mom and kids are with me so they save me. But my numbers keep bouncing up and down and all around. I have to find some way to get this under control again. In addition to this I am having new symptoms. I can be totally awake and with it one minute. Then next minute I am out like a light. It's been happening to me a lot at night. Then I will wake up again and be fine. I will be dizzy and my head feels weird, but otherwise fine. I've also been having seizure like symptoms when my bs numbers get too low. I certainly hope I'm not starting to have diabetic seizures. I guess only time will tell. I've also started gaining weight again, but just in my middle. I've had an increasing numbers of headaches and migraines lately. Blurry vision, or barely being able to see sometimes also scares me. I hope I'm not having a recurrence of Cushing's. I'm trying to move forward and get better. NOT take steps backwards and get worse or new illnesses.
I start therapy next week. I hope it will help me work through issues that I have. I am also hoping I can learn some relaxation techniques so I'm not so stressed all the time. Getting help with my anxiety attacks would be another good thing. I'm looking forward to a bright, beautiful life. March 26th I have three very important appointments. I see my eye doctor at 9:30 am. I will have my diabetic checkup and see what is going on with my eyes. Maybe he will be able to see if there is a real problem or just some symptoms when my numbers are screwed up. At 11:15 am I will see my family doctor. I will talk to him about excessive bleeding in my stools again. Not all the time, but enough times to worry me. I will also talk to him about the dizziness and light headedness. Then, if he doesn't have the answers for me, I will be seeing my endo at 2:00 pm that day. I'm hoping by the end of the day I feel better by at least having some answers. Figuring out what is going on with my body will be a big relief.
My kids and I are looking toward the future. I have a new man in my life. He is a career Army man. Has been in the Army for 28 years. He is currently stationed in Turkey doing some work against terrorism and ISIS. We talk online through messenger and emails. We have quickly become friends and enjoy talking about the future. Our hopes and dreams have a lot in common. We enjoy a lot of the same things and dream about most of the same things for our futures. I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Now comes the trouble. Since I am up and moving more my blood sugar has been all over the place. First it will be too high. So I will take my insulin, drink my water, and do some household chores or go to the store. Then, I crash!!! Grocery shopping is an absolute nightmare because I have crashed the last two times I have went shopping. It has been a disaster. Luckily, my mom and kids are with me so they save me. But my numbers keep bouncing up and down and all around. I have to find some way to get this under control again. In addition to this I am having new symptoms. I can be totally awake and with it one minute. Then next minute I am out like a light. It's been happening to me a lot at night. Then I will wake up again and be fine. I will be dizzy and my head feels weird, but otherwise fine. I've also been having seizure like symptoms when my bs numbers get too low. I certainly hope I'm not starting to have diabetic seizures. I guess only time will tell. I've also started gaining weight again, but just in my middle. I've had an increasing numbers of headaches and migraines lately. Blurry vision, or barely being able to see sometimes also scares me. I hope I'm not having a recurrence of Cushing's. I'm trying to move forward and get better. NOT take steps backwards and get worse or new illnesses.
I start therapy next week. I hope it will help me work through issues that I have. I am also hoping I can learn some relaxation techniques so I'm not so stressed all the time. Getting help with my anxiety attacks would be another good thing. I'm looking forward to a bright, beautiful life. March 26th I have three very important appointments. I see my eye doctor at 9:30 am. I will have my diabetic checkup and see what is going on with my eyes. Maybe he will be able to see if there is a real problem or just some symptoms when my numbers are screwed up. At 11:15 am I will see my family doctor. I will talk to him about excessive bleeding in my stools again. Not all the time, but enough times to worry me. I will also talk to him about the dizziness and light headedness. Then, if he doesn't have the answers for me, I will be seeing my endo at 2:00 pm that day. I'm hoping by the end of the day I feel better by at least having some answers. Figuring out what is going on with my body will be a big relief.
My kids and I are looking toward the future. I have a new man in my life. He is a career Army man. Has been in the Army for 28 years. He is currently stationed in Turkey doing some work against terrorism and ISIS. We talk online through messenger and emails. We have quickly become friends and enjoy talking about the future. Our hopes and dreams have a lot in common. We enjoy a lot of the same things and dream about most of the same things for our futures. I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Starting Over
I have had a lot of bad things happen to me over the years. I could do one of two things, let it define and defeat me OR let me re-define myself and conquer and succeed. So, I start over... Re-define who I am and what I want to do with my life.
First, I am a single mother of 3. Yes, one is out on her own and engaged to be married. I'm still here for her. If and/or when she ever needs me. I know she doesn't want to be around me right now. I will leave it all in Gods' hands to protect her and guide her. Hopefully one day He will guide her back to me. In the meantime, I have two more kids to raise. My 12 year old daughter and my 8 year old son are fabulous. I love them so much. It's strange to say, but I even enjoy when they are fighting. It means they are alive and I am here with them. They will grow up and be out on their own soon enough. I cherish every moment I have with them.
Second, I am still here for a reason. I want to find out what that reason is. Is it to help other children out who have had similar experiences to my kids? Is it to help educate people about Cushing's, Diabetes, and other illnesses? I will figure it out. Then I will be able to be a contributing member of society. I like making a difference and helping people. I want to continue my education and help others. I want to let the world know what Cushing's Syndrome is and how it affects people.
Third, educating people is a passion of mine now. The constant ache, like you have just started working out and you get sore muscles. That is a light example of how the pain feels. Or like you've been run over by a fleet of semis. Just that constant body ache. The decreasing muscle strength. I used to be able to do a lot more than I can do now. I can't always open a new jar or bottle. I have to have help or work extremely hard to open things. Even picking things up is limited. I can't always hold onto things. They drop out of my hands and I don't always know they are dropping. I lose feeling and sensation in my hands and arms sometimes. If I walk for too long, or even just up on my feet, I feel like lava is running up and down my legs. It burns me. There are needles in the lava and they stick and burn me. Even just feeling a light breeze or a light touch absolutely send me into a fit because it hurts so bad. I can't stand for too long or sit for too long. If I sit for too long my legs and body will stiffen up. It's hard to move then. I feel like I'm in slow motion trying to do anything sometimes. You can be feeling ok and then one wrong move and it's over. You feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Only if you curl up in a ball, it hurts worse.
One thing I haven't gotten used to is involuntary stretches. This happens when my body decides to stretch on it's own and I have no control over it. I can't stop it no matter what I do. This HURTS!!!! It's not a fun stretch, not something I want to do. It doesn't relieve stress. The involuntary stretches can come at anytime and last from a few seconds to a few minutes. The longer they last, the more they hurt.
I get to start over. Fresh start. I want to be fun, loving, caring, funny, wonderful, contributing, knowledgeable, sympathetic, and healthy. I am working on my health. I have my pain somewhat under control now. Thanks to my pain care doctor. He is fabulous and has helped me so much. Now I am working on my diabetes and getting better control of my blood sugar numbers. I'm hoping if I can do that maybe some of my weight will start coming off. That's one of the things that is so hard for me. The weight. I've had a weight problem most of my life. I admit that. But now, to the degree that it is, it is because of the Cushing's. People don't understand that I don't sit around the house eating all day. Some days I don't eat at all. Or I eat ice chips. Those are the days that my gastroparesis or pancreatitis are acting up. Or I just may not have an appetite at all. It's a complex world of food and drinks. I have to examine and dissect everything I want to eat or drink to see how it will affect my body. Will it go against one of my many diagnosis? I have certain places I know I cannot eat, no matter what I order. I cannot go to Taco Bell or Domino's. I miss them, I crave them, but I cannot eat them.
But I will turn my life around and make a difference. My thoughts are all over the place right now because I am thinking about so much at once. This is a new chapter in my life. A time for change. A time for better. This is my time.
First, I am a single mother of 3. Yes, one is out on her own and engaged to be married. I'm still here for her. If and/or when she ever needs me. I know she doesn't want to be around me right now. I will leave it all in Gods' hands to protect her and guide her. Hopefully one day He will guide her back to me. In the meantime, I have two more kids to raise. My 12 year old daughter and my 8 year old son are fabulous. I love them so much. It's strange to say, but I even enjoy when they are fighting. It means they are alive and I am here with them. They will grow up and be out on their own soon enough. I cherish every moment I have with them.
Second, I am still here for a reason. I want to find out what that reason is. Is it to help other children out who have had similar experiences to my kids? Is it to help educate people about Cushing's, Diabetes, and other illnesses? I will figure it out. Then I will be able to be a contributing member of society. I like making a difference and helping people. I want to continue my education and help others. I want to let the world know what Cushing's Syndrome is and how it affects people.
Third, educating people is a passion of mine now. The constant ache, like you have just started working out and you get sore muscles. That is a light example of how the pain feels. Or like you've been run over by a fleet of semis. Just that constant body ache. The decreasing muscle strength. I used to be able to do a lot more than I can do now. I can't always open a new jar or bottle. I have to have help or work extremely hard to open things. Even picking things up is limited. I can't always hold onto things. They drop out of my hands and I don't always know they are dropping. I lose feeling and sensation in my hands and arms sometimes. If I walk for too long, or even just up on my feet, I feel like lava is running up and down my legs. It burns me. There are needles in the lava and they stick and burn me. Even just feeling a light breeze or a light touch absolutely send me into a fit because it hurts so bad. I can't stand for too long or sit for too long. If I sit for too long my legs and body will stiffen up. It's hard to move then. I feel like I'm in slow motion trying to do anything sometimes. You can be feeling ok and then one wrong move and it's over. You feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Only if you curl up in a ball, it hurts worse.
One thing I haven't gotten used to is involuntary stretches. This happens when my body decides to stretch on it's own and I have no control over it. I can't stop it no matter what I do. This HURTS!!!! It's not a fun stretch, not something I want to do. It doesn't relieve stress. The involuntary stretches can come at anytime and last from a few seconds to a few minutes. The longer they last, the more they hurt.
I get to start over. Fresh start. I want to be fun, loving, caring, funny, wonderful, contributing, knowledgeable, sympathetic, and healthy. I am working on my health. I have my pain somewhat under control now. Thanks to my pain care doctor. He is fabulous and has helped me so much. Now I am working on my diabetes and getting better control of my blood sugar numbers. I'm hoping if I can do that maybe some of my weight will start coming off. That's one of the things that is so hard for me. The weight. I've had a weight problem most of my life. I admit that. But now, to the degree that it is, it is because of the Cushing's. People don't understand that I don't sit around the house eating all day. Some days I don't eat at all. Or I eat ice chips. Those are the days that my gastroparesis or pancreatitis are acting up. Or I just may not have an appetite at all. It's a complex world of food and drinks. I have to examine and dissect everything I want to eat or drink to see how it will affect my body. Will it go against one of my many diagnosis? I have certain places I know I cannot eat, no matter what I order. I cannot go to Taco Bell or Domino's. I miss them, I crave them, but I cannot eat them.
But I will turn my life around and make a difference. My thoughts are all over the place right now because I am thinking about so much at once. This is a new chapter in my life. A time for change. A time for better. This is my time.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Insomnia... The sleepless nights that never end......
Insomnia is one of the wonderful things I have experienced on a whole new level with Cushing's. It keeps me up nights and many mornings also. I have had times when I couldn't sleep for a couple of days. I survive on naps of 30 - 45 minute intervals. I have done some great things with my time though. I have read books, update my blog, think up a million and one things I should be doing instead of just searching the internet for something exciting. My mind goes a million miles an hour at night. I know I should be sleeping and I even feel guilty because I'm not. I monitor my blood sugar and stress about not sleeping. Many doctors say you should get 7 - 8 hours of sleep at night in order to have more energy and feel refreshed. I'm tired all the time, so why can't I sleep. It's because my freakin' body is going 90 miles an hour. I have a constant "high" going on. My body is stuck in fight or flight mode.
I had my surgery Oct. 31, 2012. Yet somehow my body doesn't understand that. They removed the tumor and my right adrenal gland. My body doesn't believe it. It tells me it won't accept it. I still have "highs" and my heart rate is still high. A normal heart rate before my surgery was anywhere from 150-180. It has slowed down now. On a good day it is between 80-95. On a bad day it is 100-150. I have to talk to my endo about this when I go to my next appt. in a couple of weeks. My left adrenal gland never started working again and I am on 40 mg of hydrocortisone twice daily. This is the only way I can function. I know other people are able to taper off and that is great, for them.... For me, we have tried time and time again to taper me off. When we get below what I am currently taking, my body gets mad at me and fights back. I end up in the hospital for a week or more at a time. It's not pretty. I get really sick, really weak, and really tired. This is the times when the only thing I can do is SLEEP. It's about the only time I get regular sleep. But then sleep is all I do at those times.
So, it seems like I am stuck with the dilemma.... to sleep or not to sleep.... That is MY question.
I had my surgery Oct. 31, 2012. Yet somehow my body doesn't understand that. They removed the tumor and my right adrenal gland. My body doesn't believe it. It tells me it won't accept it. I still have "highs" and my heart rate is still high. A normal heart rate before my surgery was anywhere from 150-180. It has slowed down now. On a good day it is between 80-95. On a bad day it is 100-150. I have to talk to my endo about this when I go to my next appt. in a couple of weeks. My left adrenal gland never started working again and I am on 40 mg of hydrocortisone twice daily. This is the only way I can function. I know other people are able to taper off and that is great, for them.... For me, we have tried time and time again to taper me off. When we get below what I am currently taking, my body gets mad at me and fights back. I end up in the hospital for a week or more at a time. It's not pretty. I get really sick, really weak, and really tired. This is the times when the only thing I can do is SLEEP. It's about the only time I get regular sleep. But then sleep is all I do at those times.
So, it seems like I am stuck with the dilemma.... to sleep or not to sleep.... That is MY question.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Diabetes is evil.......
I had a pretty good day. I cleaned my house thoroughly... Something I haven't been able to do in a very long time. Before my surgery the thoughts of cleaning my house were merely a dream. I couldn't do it. My body hurt too much and I was in way too much pain. I have slowly built myself back up to where I can do it though. My body still aches from the fibromyalgia and other problems I have, but it is tolerable now. I so enjoy cleaning house now. I know that sounds strange, but I appreciate all I can do now. It means I am alive and actually living my life. Pain or no, I am moving and able to do things.
My blood sugar was really strange yesterday. stayed in the 100's or below all day. It was controlled or so I thought. I went to my son's grade school performance last night. It was a really cute performance. Multiple songs about making good choices. All the kids did a really good job. 2nd and 3rd graders are very cute. Anyway, I went grocery shopping afterwards. I had just started out in the store and I started sweating profusely, shaking, confused, head ache. I knew what was happening. Sent my daughter to the register for a Coke and a candy bar. Tested my BS and it was 70. For me that is low and I start having bad symptoms. Got the Coke and candy bar down. Got finished shopping as quickly as possible. Hard to checkout while you are crashing I found. Made it home. Put away groceries. Ate some protein. Got the kids ready for bed and passed out myself. Thank God for my mom. She was here with me and stayed the night to help me. I am so blessed. She is my rock and a wonderful support system for me. Pretty much the only support system I have left. Of course, I have friends and family. Just not many of them that know the extent of my illnesses nor have they been there for me like my mom has. She is there for me every step of the way. I love my mom so much. We have had our differences throughout my life, but whenever the chips were down she has ALWAYS been there for me.
My blood sugar was really strange yesterday. stayed in the 100's or below all day. It was controlled or so I thought. I went to my son's grade school performance last night. It was a really cute performance. Multiple songs about making good choices. All the kids did a really good job. 2nd and 3rd graders are very cute. Anyway, I went grocery shopping afterwards. I had just started out in the store and I started sweating profusely, shaking, confused, head ache. I knew what was happening. Sent my daughter to the register for a Coke and a candy bar. Tested my BS and it was 70. For me that is low and I start having bad symptoms. Got the Coke and candy bar down. Got finished shopping as quickly as possible. Hard to checkout while you are crashing I found. Made it home. Put away groceries. Ate some protein. Got the kids ready for bed and passed out myself. Thank God for my mom. She was here with me and stayed the night to help me. I am so blessed. She is my rock and a wonderful support system for me. Pretty much the only support system I have left. Of course, I have friends and family. Just not many of them that know the extent of my illnesses nor have they been there for me like my mom has. She is there for me every step of the way. I love my mom so much. We have had our differences throughout my life, but whenever the chips were down she has ALWAYS been there for me.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Time marches on
I have discovered that no matter how sick I get or how many illnesses I acquire, time does not stop. My children still keep growing. I have missed numerous school performances, parent/teacher conferences, and just being there for my kids in general. I cherish EVERY moment I have with them now. Whether it's them fighting, not listening to me, telling me they love me for no reason, or just sitting and watching tv. These are all moments I cherish now. I know that time goes all too fast and before I know it my children will be adults and out on there own. I will be at home alone then. I know I will miss them terribly and I will look back on all these moments we are having now and cherish them all that much more.
I knew that stress had an affect on my health. Stress is bad for you during many illnesses, but especially if you have Cushing's or diabetes. I, being the lucky one, have both of these. I try to limit my stress, but let's face it... life is stressful. I have more than my share of stress. I had never really taken the time to really see how it affects me before though. Friday afternoon my 12 year old daughter and I were talking after she got home from school. I had taken my blood sugar just as she came through the door. My blood sugar was at 159 which is actually really good for me. We were talking about my day, which had been particularly stressful. I didn't eat or drink anything while we were talking. I tested my blood sugar an hour later. My bs was now 264. My goodness, it had gone up over 100 points in an hour by me just talking about the stressful day. I took my insulin and tried to relax then. It suddenly sank in. I saw the proof right before my eyes. That really hit and made the point. The light bulb went off. So, I am now trying my best to choose my battles and to let some things go. I can't let stress get the better of me.
I guess I knew already that stress plays a big part in my life because of my Cushing's. Afterall, since "the devil" has not been around me my life has been less stressful. That is evidenced by the change in the frequency of my illnesses. I have spent a considerably smaller amount of time in the ER and hospital since his leaving over 1 year ago. Even more so since his incarceration. Don't get me wrong, I know there has been other changes in my life that have helped. I have figured out certain foods I cannot eat, no matter how much I want them. Domino's pizza and Taco Bell are on my list. I cannot eat these foods without getting sick. I love them and I am happy for those of you who can eat this, but for me it is bad. I end up in the hospital EVERY time I eat Taco Bell. Domino's makes me sick to my stomach and I spend the night vomiting after eating it. No matter what it is that I order from these restaurants, it makes me sick. Sad, I know. : (
Back to time though. It marches on. My oldest daughter has grown up and does not communicate with me any longer. She is an adult and has made her choice, so I honor it. I don't like it. She is my daughter and I will always love her. But I will also honor her choice because I respect her. That is another reason I have learned to cherish the time with my other two children so much. I know how much I will miss them when they are gone. It doesn't matter how much physical pain I feel now from the diabetes, Cushing's, fibromyalgia, or any other illness. None of that can compare to the ache I feel in my heart missing my daughter. Having missed so much. Several years of my and my kids lives. Nothing I can do to change it, just learn from it and move forward with my life. Cherish those you love and who love you. Especially the one who stick beside you through the bad times. It's easy to stick with someone through the good, it takes real, unconditional love to stick with someone when the rainbow isn't evident. The silver lining is gone. I guess that's the silver lining hiding during those bad times is that you find out who you can really rely on.
I feel I have just been rambling, but I hope someone can get something out of what I have said. Be sure to tell those who are there for you and with you how much you appreciate them, and love them. The best comment and praise I have received in my life was from my 12 year old a couple of weeks ago. She told me thank you and I ask her what for. She said, "thank you for living mommy. Through all the times you were sick, you stayed alive for me. Thank you." And for that, I cherish it and I am humbled.
I knew that stress had an affect on my health. Stress is bad for you during many illnesses, but especially if you have Cushing's or diabetes. I, being the lucky one, have both of these. I try to limit my stress, but let's face it... life is stressful. I have more than my share of stress. I had never really taken the time to really see how it affects me before though. Friday afternoon my 12 year old daughter and I were talking after she got home from school. I had taken my blood sugar just as she came through the door. My blood sugar was at 159 which is actually really good for me. We were talking about my day, which had been particularly stressful. I didn't eat or drink anything while we were talking. I tested my blood sugar an hour later. My bs was now 264. My goodness, it had gone up over 100 points in an hour by me just talking about the stressful day. I took my insulin and tried to relax then. It suddenly sank in. I saw the proof right before my eyes. That really hit and made the point. The light bulb went off. So, I am now trying my best to choose my battles and to let some things go. I can't let stress get the better of me.
I guess I knew already that stress plays a big part in my life because of my Cushing's. Afterall, since "the devil" has not been around me my life has been less stressful. That is evidenced by the change in the frequency of my illnesses. I have spent a considerably smaller amount of time in the ER and hospital since his leaving over 1 year ago. Even more so since his incarceration. Don't get me wrong, I know there has been other changes in my life that have helped. I have figured out certain foods I cannot eat, no matter how much I want them. Domino's pizza and Taco Bell are on my list. I cannot eat these foods without getting sick. I love them and I am happy for those of you who can eat this, but for me it is bad. I end up in the hospital EVERY time I eat Taco Bell. Domino's makes me sick to my stomach and I spend the night vomiting after eating it. No matter what it is that I order from these restaurants, it makes me sick. Sad, I know. : (
Back to time though. It marches on. My oldest daughter has grown up and does not communicate with me any longer. She is an adult and has made her choice, so I honor it. I don't like it. She is my daughter and I will always love her. But I will also honor her choice because I respect her. That is another reason I have learned to cherish the time with my other two children so much. I know how much I will miss them when they are gone. It doesn't matter how much physical pain I feel now from the diabetes, Cushing's, fibromyalgia, or any other illness. None of that can compare to the ache I feel in my heart missing my daughter. Having missed so much. Several years of my and my kids lives. Nothing I can do to change it, just learn from it and move forward with my life. Cherish those you love and who love you. Especially the one who stick beside you through the bad times. It's easy to stick with someone through the good, it takes real, unconditional love to stick with someone when the rainbow isn't evident. The silver lining is gone. I guess that's the silver lining hiding during those bad times is that you find out who you can really rely on.
I feel I have just been rambling, but I hope someone can get something out of what I have said. Be sure to tell those who are there for you and with you how much you appreciate them, and love them. The best comment and praise I have received in my life was from my 12 year old a couple of weeks ago. She told me thank you and I ask her what for. She said, "thank you for living mommy. Through all the times you were sick, you stayed alive for me. Thank you." And for that, I cherish it and I am humbled.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Life as I know it, March 1, 2015..... Update and moving forward
It has been so long since I posted last and so much as happened in my life. So, in order to get everyone up to speed, or just get you started, I am going to reintroduce myself.
Hi, my name is Tammy Dinwiddie and I am a 42 year old single mother of 3. I have been married twice. The first time I was married to a wonderful, generous, funny, caring, giving, fabulous man. He was the love of my life. I lost Jimmy to kidney cancer on October 17, 2009. He was 36 years old and I was 37. A widow at 37 years old. That was hard, especially since my father had just passed away on March 6, 2008. I was dealing with a lot and so where my children. We made it through that and many other obstacles. I started dating "the devil" in January 2011. I got pregnant fairly quickly and had a miscarriage on February 28, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year. My health started falling apart, but I thought I'd found someone who loved me and who would take care of me and my kids. So I married "the devil" on August 6, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year, gained over 100 lbs, had blurry vision, saw spots, anxiety attacks, depression, muscle weakness, overall aching, and felt like my body was falling apart. I went to several doctors and got the run around. My red and white blood counts where off but the doctor didn't know why. So, she would retest in several weeks, same result, so we'd retest, etc. etc. etc.
I was falling apart physically and mentally, but I thought "the devil" was taking care of me and my kids. So we were going to be ok. February 2012 I got a new doctor. Walked in his office for my first appointment. He ask a few questions and said he thought I had Cushing's Syndrome. I knew what that was because my oldest daughter had just went through testing for it. Luckily she had tested negative. A few days later I got a call from the nurse, they were referring me to an endocrinologist because of my test results. Several weeks, blood tests, urine tests, MRI and CT scans later I was officially diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome. I also was diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. It was a long year. I went through my first surgery to remove my right adrenal gland on July 2, 2012. It was a failure. My liver was 5 times the size it was supposed to be so they had to stop the surgery. They called a surgeon in St. Louis, MO to set it up for him to do my surgery. They woke me up in the operating room, told me the plan, I agreed with it, seemed to understand.... then I crashed. They had to revive me, put me on a ventilator, and sent me to ICU. My family waited by my side there for five or six hours before I woke up. I recovered from the failed surgery, got to go home, but new symptoms started happening. I would have episodes of slurred speech, all over shaking, weakness, not being able to walk, passing out. My health was going downhill fast.
I have several more tests and had to cancel a couple of surgery before we were able to proceed. October 31, 2012 I had my right adrenalectomy and tumor removal. There was an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland. Luckily it tested negative for cancer. This was supposed to be the big moment for me. The road to recovery was within sight, or so I thought. I was in the hospital for a couple of days and then released to go back home. St. Louis, Missouri is about a four hour drive from Springfield, Missouri. It was a long trip home but well worth it to see my kids and to let them know I would be ok. I went to the ER in Springfield a couple of days later. This was the start of my spiral down. I was in the hospital more than I was home. I showed my kids light on Christmas morning 2012 by passing out while we were opening presents. "The devil" called 911. I had pneumonia and had to be admitted to the hospital. I got out of the hospital on New Year's Eve and spent about 45 minutes out before going back to the ER. I was re-admitted to the hospital.
On and on we went, I would get better for an hour, a few hours, a day, maybe two.... Then I would be back in the hospital. It was a never ending cycle. I spent all major holidays and birthdays that my family celebrates in the hospital. I just couldn't recover. I had gained more illnesses. I now had chronic gastroparesis, chronic pancreatitis, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, two bulging discs in my lower back, two herniated discs in my lower back, arthritis, degenerative back disorder, diabetic neuropathy, adrenal insufficiency, numerous bouts of pneumonia, and the list goes on and on. I have had 5 times when I almost died. I was in a coma, on a ventilator, in ICU about dead. My worst time was November 23, 2013... my middle daughters' 11th birthday. Don't remember much about that day. I have been told I ended up in the hospital, in a coma. The doctors and nurses in the ER worked very hard to save my life. I owe them a lot for that. Thank you just does not cover it. I had pneumonia, respiratory distress, respiratory failure, liver failure, kidney failure, and I was septic. I was in a coma for a couple of days. Why am I still here? That's what I'm trying to figure out.
By the time 2014 was rolling around my marriage was falling apart. "The devil" was definitely showing me he really did not love me or even care about me. I was too much trouble for him. I was sick more than I was home. He had no interest in taking care of me. The beginning of February I told him I wanted a divorce, he agreed without any signs of a fight. I think he was glad to finally be rid of me. He moved out February 28, 2014. I thought things would get better then.
My kids and I slowly started rebuilding our lives. I knew there was a lot to rebuild and try to recover. I felt like I had lost the last three years of my life. I could only remember bits and pieces of it. Cushing's stole my mind in a way. I was so sick and on so many different medicines that I couldn't fully remember a lot of things that had happened. I had huge blocks of time I couldn't remember at all. But I was determined to be stronger and to get back my life. I was an independent single mother before and I would be again.
May 24, 2014 my world changed again. Stress is bad for me. Not only because of my Cushing's but also because of my diabetes. I have struggled with my diabetes and still don't have it under control. Stress came flooding down on me full force that day. I had just sent my kids off for their ride to school when I had a forceful knock on my door. I struggled to get dressed and answer the door. I ask who it was... FBI... WTF???!!!!! The FBI was at my door. They told me not to worry, they were looking for "the devil". Several hours and questions later I tried to make sense of what had just happened. "The devil" I was told, is in to child pornography and had been being investigated for over a year. The FBI had enough evidence on him already to make an arrest.. They took computers, flash drives, discs, etc. Just needed anything that might contain child pornography. They also set up questioning for my children. I vaguely remember my middle daughter telling me "the devil" had touched her. Turns out it was true. I should have done something sooner, but the medication and illnesses had clouded my judgment and I thought I had taken care of things.
Life started falling apart again. "The devil" was questioned and arrested that day. He admitted to touching my daughter and to the child pornography charges. Receiving and distributing child porn. Family members started telling me what a horrible person "the devil" is and about the things he was doing that wasn't right. I started losing people. They don't want to have anything to do with me now because I should have done something sooner for my daughter. It's my fault she was abused they say. So, they don't talk to me and have cut me out of their lives. I have just a few family members that have stayed and support me. My daughter and I were able to appear in Federal Court on February 17, 2015 for "the devils" sentencing. Because we were there with the support of BACA (Biker's Against Child Abuse) and because we put a face on the victims of the abuse.... "The devil" was sentenced to 17 years in prison without the chance of parole. He will also be on lifetime extremely supervised parole after his time is done in prison. He will NOT come near us again. We will make sure of that. We both took a stand that day, my daughter and I, to take back control of our lives. He no longer controls us. Some doctors have speculated that "the devil" could have been poisoning me. Many of the symptoms I have had over the last several years would fit antifreeze poisoning. But we cannot prove that, so I am just thankful that I am getting better every day. The federal charges and sentencing were for the child pornography charges. Now we go to state level and abuse charges because of what he did to my daughter.
I am getting stronger and better every day. Some of my medications have changed recently and that has been for the betterment of my health. At the lowest point in my life I could barely do anything for myself, I could not even bathe without assistance. I was in a wheelchair to get around because I was too weak to stand. Today, March 1, 2015..... I can clean my house, do my dishes, sweep my floor, do my laundry, take care of MY children, bathe myself, and get around on my own. I don't spend as much time in the hospital. Even though I have been to the hospital enough that most of the doctors and nurses know me on a first name basis and so do many of the nurses on the various floors of the hospital and the hospitalists do too. The time between me going to the hospital actually goes into months now. In fact, just a few days ago, both of my kids who are still at home were sick. I was the healthy one. Though I was bummed they were sick, I was glad I was the healthy one and I could take care of them and get them better. I have signed my divorce papers, just waiting my allotted time until they become final. That will be by the end of this month. I consider myself divorced already. My marriage was over a long time ago. I have been used, chewed up and spit out by men, but I will not give up.....
My family and my health are my number one priority. I have to get control of my illnesses, which I am doing. In addition to figuring out the whole Cushing's Syndrome issues, I have my diabetes to learn how to control. I have been diabetic for several years now but I have not taken the steps I need to take to control it. I am working on that now. I will get control of it, it will not control me. I will win this battle one day at a time. I am going to conquer my health issues, find a good man, take care of my kids, love my family, take down "the devil" as much as I can, and live my life to the fullest. I choose to be happy. I choose to be independent. I choose to be free of negative influences in my life.
I will live by a few quotes.
Never, never give up.
I choose Happiness
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe
I think that last one sums me up. I am a wonderful person to be around, but I own my faults and mistakes. If I do something wrong, I admit it and own it. That is mine to bear. But if you truly love me and want to be a part of my life you will love me through the bad times as well as the good. I'm sorry for the mistakes I have made in the past. Unfortunately there isn't a thing I can do to undo those things. I have to move forward now and quit beating myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past. The only way I will get my stress level and mental health under control to is let go and be happy. Learn to live each day as a blessing that it is. I love my kids and my family through good and bad. I hope the feeling is returned.
Buckle up for the ride. My time as come to shine. Battling Cushing's and Diabetes is hitting the front line. Let's see what I can do.....
Hi, my name is Tammy Dinwiddie and I am a 42 year old single mother of 3. I have been married twice. The first time I was married to a wonderful, generous, funny, caring, giving, fabulous man. He was the love of my life. I lost Jimmy to kidney cancer on October 17, 2009. He was 36 years old and I was 37. A widow at 37 years old. That was hard, especially since my father had just passed away on March 6, 2008. I was dealing with a lot and so where my children. We made it through that and many other obstacles. I started dating "the devil" in January 2011. I got pregnant fairly quickly and had a miscarriage on February 28, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year. My health started falling apart, but I thought I'd found someone who loved me and who would take care of me and my kids. So I married "the devil" on August 6, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year, gained over 100 lbs, had blurry vision, saw spots, anxiety attacks, depression, muscle weakness, overall aching, and felt like my body was falling apart. I went to several doctors and got the run around. My red and white blood counts where off but the doctor didn't know why. So, she would retest in several weeks, same result, so we'd retest, etc. etc. etc.
I was falling apart physically and mentally, but I thought "the devil" was taking care of me and my kids. So we were going to be ok. February 2012 I got a new doctor. Walked in his office for my first appointment. He ask a few questions and said he thought I had Cushing's Syndrome. I knew what that was because my oldest daughter had just went through testing for it. Luckily she had tested negative. A few days later I got a call from the nurse, they were referring me to an endocrinologist because of my test results. Several weeks, blood tests, urine tests, MRI and CT scans later I was officially diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome. I also was diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. It was a long year. I went through my first surgery to remove my right adrenal gland on July 2, 2012. It was a failure. My liver was 5 times the size it was supposed to be so they had to stop the surgery. They called a surgeon in St. Louis, MO to set it up for him to do my surgery. They woke me up in the operating room, told me the plan, I agreed with it, seemed to understand.... then I crashed. They had to revive me, put me on a ventilator, and sent me to ICU. My family waited by my side there for five or six hours before I woke up. I recovered from the failed surgery, got to go home, but new symptoms started happening. I would have episodes of slurred speech, all over shaking, weakness, not being able to walk, passing out. My health was going downhill fast.
I have several more tests and had to cancel a couple of surgery before we were able to proceed. October 31, 2012 I had my right adrenalectomy and tumor removal. There was an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland. Luckily it tested negative for cancer. This was supposed to be the big moment for me. The road to recovery was within sight, or so I thought. I was in the hospital for a couple of days and then released to go back home. St. Louis, Missouri is about a four hour drive from Springfield, Missouri. It was a long trip home but well worth it to see my kids and to let them know I would be ok. I went to the ER in Springfield a couple of days later. This was the start of my spiral down. I was in the hospital more than I was home. I showed my kids light on Christmas morning 2012 by passing out while we were opening presents. "The devil" called 911. I had pneumonia and had to be admitted to the hospital. I got out of the hospital on New Year's Eve and spent about 45 minutes out before going back to the ER. I was re-admitted to the hospital.
On and on we went, I would get better for an hour, a few hours, a day, maybe two.... Then I would be back in the hospital. It was a never ending cycle. I spent all major holidays and birthdays that my family celebrates in the hospital. I just couldn't recover. I had gained more illnesses. I now had chronic gastroparesis, chronic pancreatitis, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, two bulging discs in my lower back, two herniated discs in my lower back, arthritis, degenerative back disorder, diabetic neuropathy, adrenal insufficiency, numerous bouts of pneumonia, and the list goes on and on. I have had 5 times when I almost died. I was in a coma, on a ventilator, in ICU about dead. My worst time was November 23, 2013... my middle daughters' 11th birthday. Don't remember much about that day. I have been told I ended up in the hospital, in a coma. The doctors and nurses in the ER worked very hard to save my life. I owe them a lot for that. Thank you just does not cover it. I had pneumonia, respiratory distress, respiratory failure, liver failure, kidney failure, and I was septic. I was in a coma for a couple of days. Why am I still here? That's what I'm trying to figure out.
By the time 2014 was rolling around my marriage was falling apart. "The devil" was definitely showing me he really did not love me or even care about me. I was too much trouble for him. I was sick more than I was home. He had no interest in taking care of me. The beginning of February I told him I wanted a divorce, he agreed without any signs of a fight. I think he was glad to finally be rid of me. He moved out February 28, 2014. I thought things would get better then.
My kids and I slowly started rebuilding our lives. I knew there was a lot to rebuild and try to recover. I felt like I had lost the last three years of my life. I could only remember bits and pieces of it. Cushing's stole my mind in a way. I was so sick and on so many different medicines that I couldn't fully remember a lot of things that had happened. I had huge blocks of time I couldn't remember at all. But I was determined to be stronger and to get back my life. I was an independent single mother before and I would be again.
May 24, 2014 my world changed again. Stress is bad for me. Not only because of my Cushing's but also because of my diabetes. I have struggled with my diabetes and still don't have it under control. Stress came flooding down on me full force that day. I had just sent my kids off for their ride to school when I had a forceful knock on my door. I struggled to get dressed and answer the door. I ask who it was... FBI... WTF???!!!!! The FBI was at my door. They told me not to worry, they were looking for "the devil". Several hours and questions later I tried to make sense of what had just happened. "The devil" I was told, is in to child pornography and had been being investigated for over a year. The FBI had enough evidence on him already to make an arrest.. They took computers, flash drives, discs, etc. Just needed anything that might contain child pornography. They also set up questioning for my children. I vaguely remember my middle daughter telling me "the devil" had touched her. Turns out it was true. I should have done something sooner, but the medication and illnesses had clouded my judgment and I thought I had taken care of things.
Life started falling apart again. "The devil" was questioned and arrested that day. He admitted to touching my daughter and to the child pornography charges. Receiving and distributing child porn. Family members started telling me what a horrible person "the devil" is and about the things he was doing that wasn't right. I started losing people. They don't want to have anything to do with me now because I should have done something sooner for my daughter. It's my fault she was abused they say. So, they don't talk to me and have cut me out of their lives. I have just a few family members that have stayed and support me. My daughter and I were able to appear in Federal Court on February 17, 2015 for "the devils" sentencing. Because we were there with the support of BACA (Biker's Against Child Abuse) and because we put a face on the victims of the abuse.... "The devil" was sentenced to 17 years in prison without the chance of parole. He will also be on lifetime extremely supervised parole after his time is done in prison. He will NOT come near us again. We will make sure of that. We both took a stand that day, my daughter and I, to take back control of our lives. He no longer controls us. Some doctors have speculated that "the devil" could have been poisoning me. Many of the symptoms I have had over the last several years would fit antifreeze poisoning. But we cannot prove that, so I am just thankful that I am getting better every day. The federal charges and sentencing were for the child pornography charges. Now we go to state level and abuse charges because of what he did to my daughter.
I am getting stronger and better every day. Some of my medications have changed recently and that has been for the betterment of my health. At the lowest point in my life I could barely do anything for myself, I could not even bathe without assistance. I was in a wheelchair to get around because I was too weak to stand. Today, March 1, 2015..... I can clean my house, do my dishes, sweep my floor, do my laundry, take care of MY children, bathe myself, and get around on my own. I don't spend as much time in the hospital. Even though I have been to the hospital enough that most of the doctors and nurses know me on a first name basis and so do many of the nurses on the various floors of the hospital and the hospitalists do too. The time between me going to the hospital actually goes into months now. In fact, just a few days ago, both of my kids who are still at home were sick. I was the healthy one. Though I was bummed they were sick, I was glad I was the healthy one and I could take care of them and get them better. I have signed my divorce papers, just waiting my allotted time until they become final. That will be by the end of this month. I consider myself divorced already. My marriage was over a long time ago. I have been used, chewed up and spit out by men, but I will not give up.....
My family and my health are my number one priority. I have to get control of my illnesses, which I am doing. In addition to figuring out the whole Cushing's Syndrome issues, I have my diabetes to learn how to control. I have been diabetic for several years now but I have not taken the steps I need to take to control it. I am working on that now. I will get control of it, it will not control me. I will win this battle one day at a time. I am going to conquer my health issues, find a good man, take care of my kids, love my family, take down "the devil" as much as I can, and live my life to the fullest. I choose to be happy. I choose to be independent. I choose to be free of negative influences in my life.
I will live by a few quotes.
Never, never give up.
I choose Happiness
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe
I think that last one sums me up. I am a wonderful person to be around, but I own my faults and mistakes. If I do something wrong, I admit it and own it. That is mine to bear. But if you truly love me and want to be a part of my life you will love me through the bad times as well as the good. I'm sorry for the mistakes I have made in the past. Unfortunately there isn't a thing I can do to undo those things. I have to move forward now and quit beating myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past. The only way I will get my stress level and mental health under control to is let go and be happy. Learn to live each day as a blessing that it is. I love my kids and my family through good and bad. I hope the feeling is returned.
Buckle up for the ride. My time as come to shine. Battling Cushing's and Diabetes is hitting the front line. Let's see what I can do.....
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