Starting Over

I have had a lot of bad things happen to me over the years. I could do one of two things, let it define and defeat me OR let me re-define myself and conquer and succeed. So, I start over... Re-define who I am and what I want to do with my life.

First, I am a single mother of 3. Yes, one is out on her own and engaged to be married. I'm still here for her. If and/or when she ever needs me. I know she doesn't want to be around me right now. I will leave it all in Gods' hands to protect her and guide her. Hopefully one day He will guide her back to me.  In the meantime, I have two more kids to raise. My 12 year old daughter and my 8 year old son are fabulous. I love them so much. It's strange to say, but I even enjoy when they are fighting. It means they are alive and I am here with them. They will grow up and be out on their own soon enough. I cherish every moment I have with them.

Second, I am still here for a reason. I want to find out what that reason is. Is it to help other children out who have had similar experiences to my kids? Is it to help educate people about Cushing's, Diabetes, and other illnesses? I will figure it out. Then I will be able to be a contributing member of society. I like making a difference and helping people. I want to continue my education and help others. I want to let the world know what Cushing's Syndrome is and how it affects people.

Third, educating people is a passion of mine now. The constant ache, like you have just started working out and you get sore muscles. That is a light example of how the pain feels. Or like you've been run over by a fleet of semis. Just that constant body ache. The decreasing muscle strength. I used to be able to do a lot more than I can do now. I can't always open a new jar or bottle. I have to have help or work extremely hard to open things. Even picking things up is limited. I can't always hold onto things. They drop out of my hands and I don't always know they are dropping. I lose feeling and sensation in my hands and arms sometimes. If I walk for too long, or even just up on my feet, I feel like lava is running up and down my legs. It burns me. There are needles in the lava and they stick and burn me. Even just feeling a light breeze or a light touch absolutely send me into a fit because it hurts so bad. I can't stand for too long or sit for too long. If I sit for too long my legs and body will stiffen up. It's hard to move then. I feel like I'm in slow motion trying to do anything sometimes. You can be feeling ok and then one wrong move and it's over. You feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Only if you curl up in a ball, it hurts worse.

One thing I haven't gotten used to is involuntary stretches. This happens when my body decides to stretch on it's own and I have no control over it. I can't stop it no matter what I do. This HURTS!!!! It's not a fun stretch, not something I want to do. It doesn't relieve stress. The involuntary stretches can come at anytime and last from a few seconds to a few minutes. The longer they last, the more they hurt.

I get to start over. Fresh start. I want to be fun, loving, caring, funny, wonderful, contributing, knowledgeable, sympathetic, and healthy. I am working on my health. I have my pain somewhat under control now. Thanks to my pain care doctor. He is fabulous and has helped me so much. Now I am working on my diabetes and getting better control of my blood sugar numbers. I'm hoping if I can do that maybe some of my weight will start coming off. That's one of the things that is so hard for me. The weight. I've had a weight problem most of my life. I admit that. But now, to the degree that it is, it is because of the Cushing's. People don't understand that I don't sit around the house eating all day. Some days I don't eat at all. Or I eat ice chips. Those are the days that my gastroparesis or  pancreatitis are acting up. Or I just may not have an appetite at all. It's a complex world of food and drinks. I have to examine and dissect everything I want to eat or drink to see how it will affect my body.  Will it go against one of my many diagnosis? I have certain places I know I cannot eat, no matter what I order. I cannot go to Taco Bell or Domino's. I miss them, I crave them, but I cannot eat them.

But I will turn my life around and make a difference. My thoughts are all over the place right now because I am thinking about so much at once. This is a new chapter in my life. A time for change. A time for better. This is my time.