Time marches on

I have discovered that no matter how sick I get or how many illnesses I acquire, time does not stop. My children still keep growing. I have missed numerous school performances, parent/teacher conferences, and just being there for my kids in general. I cherish EVERY moment I have with them now. Whether it's them fighting, not listening to me, telling me they love me for no reason, or just sitting and watching tv. These are all moments I cherish now. I know that time goes all too fast and before I know it my children will be adults and out on there own. I will be at home alone then. I know I will miss them terribly and I will look back on all these moments we are having now and cherish them all that much more.

I knew that stress had an affect on my health. Stress is bad for you during many illnesses, but especially if you have Cushing's or diabetes. I, being the lucky one, have both of these. I try to limit my stress, but let's face it... life is stressful. I have more than my share of stress. I had never really taken the time to really see how it affects me before though. Friday afternoon my 12 year old daughter and I were talking after she got home from school. I had taken my blood sugar just as she came through the door. My blood sugar was at 159 which is actually really good for me. We were talking about my day, which had been particularly stressful. I didn't eat or drink anything while we were talking. I tested my blood sugar an hour later. My bs was now 264. My goodness, it had gone up over 100 points in an hour by me just talking about the stressful day. I took my insulin and tried to relax then. It suddenly sank in. I saw the proof right before my eyes. That really hit and made the point. The light bulb went off. So, I am now trying my best to choose my battles and to let some things go. I can't let stress get the better of me.

I guess I knew already that stress plays a big part in my life because of my Cushing's. Afterall, since "the devil" has not been around me my life has been less stressful. That is evidenced by the change in the frequency of my illnesses. I have spent a considerably smaller amount of time in the ER and hospital since his leaving over 1 year ago. Even more so since his incarceration. Don't get me wrong, I know there has been other changes in my life that have helped. I have figured out certain foods I cannot eat, no matter how much I want them. Domino's pizza and Taco Bell are on my list. I cannot eat these foods without getting sick. I love them and I am happy for those of you who can eat this, but for me it is bad. I end up in the hospital EVERY time I eat Taco Bell. Domino's makes me sick to my stomach and I spend the night vomiting after eating it. No matter what it is that I order from these restaurants, it makes me sick. Sad, I know. : (

Back to time though. It marches on. My oldest daughter has grown up and does not communicate with me any longer. She is an adult and has made her choice, so I honor it. I don't like it. She is my daughter and I will always love her. But I will also honor her choice because I respect her. That is another reason I have learned to cherish the time with my other two children so much. I know how much I will miss them when they are gone. It doesn't matter how much physical pain I feel now from the diabetes, Cushing's, fibromyalgia, or any other illness. None of that can compare to the ache I feel in my heart missing my daughter. Having missed so much. Several years of my and my kids lives. Nothing I can do to change it, just learn from it and move forward with my life. Cherish those you love and who love you. Especially the one who stick beside you through the bad times. It's easy to stick with someone through the good, it takes real, unconditional love to stick with someone when the rainbow isn't evident. The silver lining is gone. I guess that's the silver lining hiding during those bad times is that you find out who you can really rely on.

I feel I have just been rambling, but I hope someone can get something out of what I have said. Be sure to tell those who are there for you and with you how much you appreciate them, and love them. The best comment and praise I have received in my life was from my 12 year old a couple of weeks ago.  She told me thank you and I ask her what for. She said, "thank you for living mommy. Through all the times you were sick, you stayed alive for me. Thank you." And for that, I cherish it and I am humbled.