Life as I know it, March 1, 2015..... Update and moving forward

It has been so long since I posted last and so much as happened in my life. So, in order to get everyone up to speed, or just get you started, I am going to reintroduce myself.

Hi, my name is Tammy Dinwiddie and I am a 42  year old single mother of 3.  I have been married twice.  The first time I was married to a wonderful, generous, funny, caring, giving, fabulous man. He was the love of my life.  I lost Jimmy to kidney cancer on October 17, 2009.  He was 36 years old and I was 37. A widow at 37 years old. That was hard, especially since my father had just passed away on March 6, 2008.  I was dealing with a lot and so where my children.  We made it through that and many other obstacles. I started dating "the devil" in January 2011. I got pregnant fairly quickly and had a miscarriage on February 28, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year. My health started falling apart, but I thought I'd found someone who loved me and who would take care of me and my kids. So I married "the devil" on August 6, 2011.  I had two more miscarriages that year, gained over 100 lbs, had blurry vision, saw spots, anxiety attacks, depression, muscle weakness, overall aching, and felt like my body was falling apart. I went to several doctors and got the run around. My red and white blood counts where off but the doctor didn't know why. So, she would retest in several weeks, same result, so we'd retest, etc. etc. etc.

I was falling apart physically and mentally, but I thought "the devil" was taking care of me and my kids. So we were going to be ok. February 2012 I got a new doctor. Walked in his office for my first appointment. He ask a few questions and said he thought I had Cushing's Syndrome. I knew what that was because my oldest daughter had just went through testing for it. Luckily she had tested negative. A few days later I got a call from the nurse, they were referring me to an endocrinologist because of my test results. Several weeks, blood tests, urine tests, MRI and CT scans later I was officially diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome. I also was diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. It was a long year. I went through my first surgery to remove my right adrenal gland on July 2, 2012. It was a failure. My liver was 5 times the size it was supposed to be so they had to stop the surgery. They called a surgeon in St. Louis, MO to set it up for him to do my surgery. They woke me up in the operating room, told me the plan, I agreed with it, seemed to understand.... then I crashed. They had to revive me, put me on a ventilator, and sent me to ICU. My family waited by my side there for five or six hours before I woke up. I recovered from the failed surgery, got to go home, but new symptoms started happening. I would have episodes of slurred speech, all over shaking, weakness, not being able to walk, passing out. My health was going downhill fast.

I have several more tests and had to cancel a couple of surgery before we were able to proceed. October 31, 2012 I had my right adrenalectomy and tumor removal.  There was an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland. Luckily it tested negative for cancer. This was supposed to be the big moment for me. The road to recovery was within sight, or so I thought. I was in the hospital for a couple of days and then released to go back home. St. Louis, Missouri is about a four hour drive from Springfield, Missouri. It was a long trip home but well worth it to see my kids and to let them know I would be ok. I went to the ER in Springfield a couple of days later. This was the start of my spiral down. I was in the hospital more than I was home. I showed my kids light on Christmas morning 2012 by passing out while we were opening presents. "The devil" called 911.  I had pneumonia and had to be admitted to the hospital. I got out of the hospital on New Year's Eve and spent about 45 minutes out before going back to the ER. I was re-admitted to the hospital.

On and on we went, I would get better for an hour, a few hours, a day, maybe two.... Then I would be back in the hospital. It was a never ending cycle. I spent all major holidays and birthdays that my family celebrates in the hospital. I just couldn't recover. I had gained more illnesses. I now had chronic gastroparesis, chronic pancreatitis, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, two bulging discs in my lower back, two herniated discs in my lower back, arthritis, degenerative back disorder, diabetic neuropathy, adrenal insufficiency, numerous bouts of pneumonia, and the list goes on and on. I have had 5 times when I almost died. I was in a coma, on a ventilator, in ICU about dead.  My worst time was November 23, 2013... my middle daughters' 11th birthday. Don't remember much about that day. I have been told I ended up in the hospital, in a coma. The doctors and nurses in the ER worked very hard to save my life. I owe them a lot for that. Thank you just does not cover it. I had pneumonia, respiratory distress, respiratory failure, liver failure, kidney failure, and I was septic. I was in a coma for a couple of days. Why am I still here? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

By the time 2014 was rolling around my marriage was falling apart. "The devil" was definitely showing me he really did not love me or even care about me. I was too much trouble for him. I was sick more than I was home. He had no interest in taking care of me. The beginning of February I told him I wanted a divorce, he agreed without any signs of a fight. I think he was glad to finally be rid of me. He moved out February 28, 2014. I thought things would get better then.

My kids and I slowly started rebuilding our lives. I knew there was a lot to rebuild and try to recover. I felt like I had lost the last three years of my life. I could only remember bits and pieces of it. Cushing's stole my mind in a way. I was so sick and on so many different medicines that I couldn't fully remember a lot of things that had happened. I had huge blocks of time I couldn't remember at all. But I was determined to be stronger and to get back my life. I was an independent single mother before and I would be again.

May 24, 2014 my world changed again. Stress is bad for me. Not only because of my Cushing's but also because of my diabetes. I have struggled with my diabetes and still don't have it under control. Stress came flooding down on me full force that day. I had just sent my kids off for their ride to school when I had a forceful knock on my door. I struggled to get dressed and answer the door. I ask who it was... FBI... WTF???!!!!! The FBI was at my door. They told me not to worry, they were looking for "the devil".  Several hours and questions later I tried to make sense of what had just happened. "The devil" I was told, is in to child pornography and had been being investigated for over a year. The FBI had enough evidence on him already to make an arrest.. They took computers, flash drives, discs, etc. Just needed anything that might contain child pornography. They also set up questioning for my children. I vaguely remember my middle daughter telling me "the devil" had touched her. Turns out it was true. I should have done something sooner, but the medication and illnesses had clouded my judgment and I thought I had taken care of things.

Life started falling apart again. "The devil" was questioned and arrested that day. He admitted to touching my daughter and to the child pornography charges. Receiving and distributing child porn. Family members started telling me what a horrible person "the devil" is and about the things he was doing that wasn't right. I started losing people. They don't want to have anything to do with me now because I should have done something sooner for my daughter. It's my fault she was abused they say. So, they don't talk to me and have cut me out of their lives. I have just a few family members that have stayed and support me. My daughter and I were able to appear in Federal Court on February 17, 2015 for "the devils" sentencing. Because we were there with the support of BACA (Biker's Against Child Abuse) and because we put a face on the victims of the abuse.... "The devil" was sentenced to 17 years in prison without the chance of parole. He will also be on lifetime extremely supervised parole after his time is done in prison. He will NOT come near us again. We will make sure of that. We both took a stand that day, my daughter and I, to take back control of our lives. He no longer controls us. Some doctors have speculated that "the devil" could have been poisoning me. Many of the symptoms I have had over the last several years would fit antifreeze poisoning. But we cannot prove that, so I am just thankful that I am getting better every day.  The federal charges and sentencing were for the child pornography charges. Now we go to state level and abuse charges because of what he did to my daughter.

I am getting stronger and better every day. Some of my medications have changed recently and that has been for the betterment of my health. At the lowest point in my life I could barely do anything for myself, I could not even bathe without assistance. I was in a wheelchair to get around because I was too weak to stand. Today, March 1, 2015..... I can clean my house, do my dishes, sweep my floor, do my laundry, take care of MY children, bathe myself, and get around on my own. I don't spend as much time in the hospital. Even though I have been to the hospital enough that most of the doctors and nurses know me on a first name basis and so do many of the nurses on the various floors of the hospital and the hospitalists do too.  The time between me going to the hospital actually goes into months now. In fact, just a few days ago, both of my kids who are still at home were sick. I was the healthy one. Though I was bummed they were sick, I was glad I was the healthy one and I could take care of them and get them better.  I have signed my divorce papers, just waiting my allotted time until they become final. That will be by the end of this month. I consider myself divorced already. My marriage was over a long time ago. I have been used, chewed up and spit out by men, but I will not give up.....

My family and my health are my number one priority. I have to get control of my illnesses, which I am doing. In addition to figuring out the whole Cushing's Syndrome issues, I have my diabetes to learn how to control. I have been diabetic for several years now but I have not taken the steps I need to take to control it. I am working on that now. I will get control of it, it will not control me. I will win this battle one day at a time. I am going to conquer my health issues, find a good man, take care of my kids, love my family, take down "the devil" as much as I can, and live my life to the fullest. I choose to be happy. I choose to be independent. I choose to be free of negative influences in my life.

I will live by a few quotes.

Never, never give up.

I choose Happiness

"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe
I think that last one sums me up. I am a wonderful person to be around, but I own my faults and mistakes. If I do something wrong, I admit it and own it. That is mine to bear. But if you truly love me and want to be a part of my life you will love me through the bad times as well as the good. I'm sorry for the mistakes I have made in the past. Unfortunately there isn't a thing I can do to undo those things. I have to move forward now and quit beating myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past. The only way I will get my stress level and mental health under control to is let go and be happy. Learn to live each day as a blessing that it is. I love my kids and my family through good and bad. I hope the feeling is returned.

Buckle up for the ride. My time as come to shine. Battling Cushing's and Diabetes is hitting the front line. Let's see what I can do.....