So, I have been having some bad episodes lately. My blood sugars have been going extremely low. This has caused me to pass out a few times. I hate when this happens because I don't remember what happens during this time. My kids are well trained on these situations by now. They know to call their grandmother (my mom) whenever this happens. They tell her whatever is happening and she comes to our house to help the kids while I am "out of it". This happened this past week and I guess it really scared the kids. My blood sugar went down to 51. That is the lowest it has ever went. I guess this led to my son having a panic attack and he started to "stress eat" as he tells me. I couldn't quite figure out what he meant when he told me this. He said he just started eating and couldn't stop. He was eating anything and everything he could, even though he wasn't hungry. We are working through this problem. He is in counseling so and I made sure it was discussed with his counselor. I guess my 12 year old daughter was a real inspiration during this time. She remained calm and tried keeping my son calmed down while taking care of me. I am so proud of her for that. She is really maturing.
It is amazing to see how much my children have had to mature because of me. They are growing up so fast and getting very mature. They know how to handle many difficult medical situations now. We are also working on an emergency plan for any kind of situation they can think up that they aren't sure of what to do yet. They always want to be prepared and for that I am very proud of them.
My daughter advised my son to just relax and know that mom would be ok. God is taking care of all of us so she knew we would all be ok. Very smart girl. I'm so proud of her.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
What Cushing's Syndrome is to me...
What is Cushing’s Disease/Syndrome? (Personal variation, i.e. adrenal or pituitary or ectopic, etc.)
Cushing's Syndrome and Disease is different but also has so much in common. By definition that I have found Cushing's Syndrome is caused by adrenal gland tumors. Cushing's Disease is caused by pituitary tumors. There are also slight differences in symptoms, but that also depends on the person. Each person has their own set of symptoms, so will be like the "norm" and other will be strictly to that person.
So, what is Cushing's to me? I have Cushing's Syndrome. I had an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland. Luckily, I was able to have surgery to remove said tumor. On the bad side, it is starting to really look like my left adrenal gland is not functioning at all. I have been trying to wean off of my hydrocortisone for several weeks now. I have gotten down to 10 mg in the morning and 10 mg in the evening. This is not going well for me. I feel like I am so weak. My body is starting to ache worse than before, from head to toe. I see spots and black dots in my line of vision. My pain meds are not working as well as they had been and the pain is starting to be intolerable again.
Cushing's is much more than just the symptoms to me though. It has robbed me of my life. Before Cushing's I was an active, happy, friendly, tolerant, wonderful, funny, average attractiveness woman. Now, since Cushing's has ravaged my body I am not the same, nor will I ever be the same, again. I am not active anymore. I do very little activity anymore. I used to go grocery shopping, go to the occasional doctors appointment, worked at the Library Center and absolutely adored most of my co-workers and patrons at the library. Now, I go out often, but only because I have to for all the vast number of doctors appointments I have now. I only go grocery shopping if absolutely necessary. I have found the joys of online shopping. It is so much easier than going out in public. At least this way I don't have to interact with others. I make myself go out more than I want to. I feel like as long as I can make myself occasionally interact in public than I will be ok. I have a psychologist and am working on my problems. I am on disability now. Disabled by the many diagnosis that I have now. It is a vast list. What started out as one or two things has led to about 20+ diagnosis and things that are now wrong with me. I don't laugh as much as I used to. I take everything way to seriously now. I don't let myself truly be myself anymore. I am a shell of the person I once was.
Worst of all is the damage this disease has done to my children. They are scared so much of the time because of me and my illnesses. They are always on guard, always watching to make sure I'm ok. They don't want anything happening to me. They are scared of me getting sick again and having to be hospitalized. I have been so sick and hospitalized way too much over the last 3 years. Now, my kids won't be totally honest with me. If they have problems, they don't feel comfortable sharing that with me because they don't want to add stress to me. They know stress can be deadly for me. They just want to keep me healthy, so they hide problems from me and act like things are good. But secretly they are in pain and hurting but not sharing that. They are scared I will die and then I won't be here for them. That is so sad and I just feel like it crushes my heart to know I have caused so much pain for them. I want them to be able to be young and carefree. Not so scared and worried and protective of me. I just them to be themselves, to be able to act their ages, and to come to mommy when they need me. Instead, they are protecting and taking care of me. This has got to chance. Cushing's has stolen my life and replaced it with a shell of the person who once was....
Cushing's Syndrome and Disease is different but also has so much in common. By definition that I have found Cushing's Syndrome is caused by adrenal gland tumors. Cushing's Disease is caused by pituitary tumors. There are also slight differences in symptoms, but that also depends on the person. Each person has their own set of symptoms, so will be like the "norm" and other will be strictly to that person.
So, what is Cushing's to me? I have Cushing's Syndrome. I had an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland. Luckily, I was able to have surgery to remove said tumor. On the bad side, it is starting to really look like my left adrenal gland is not functioning at all. I have been trying to wean off of my hydrocortisone for several weeks now. I have gotten down to 10 mg in the morning and 10 mg in the evening. This is not going well for me. I feel like I am so weak. My body is starting to ache worse than before, from head to toe. I see spots and black dots in my line of vision. My pain meds are not working as well as they had been and the pain is starting to be intolerable again.
Cushing's is much more than just the symptoms to me though. It has robbed me of my life. Before Cushing's I was an active, happy, friendly, tolerant, wonderful, funny, average attractiveness woman. Now, since Cushing's has ravaged my body I am not the same, nor will I ever be the same, again. I am not active anymore. I do very little activity anymore. I used to go grocery shopping, go to the occasional doctors appointment, worked at the Library Center and absolutely adored most of my co-workers and patrons at the library. Now, I go out often, but only because I have to for all the vast number of doctors appointments I have now. I only go grocery shopping if absolutely necessary. I have found the joys of online shopping. It is so much easier than going out in public. At least this way I don't have to interact with others. I make myself go out more than I want to. I feel like as long as I can make myself occasionally interact in public than I will be ok. I have a psychologist and am working on my problems. I am on disability now. Disabled by the many diagnosis that I have now. It is a vast list. What started out as one or two things has led to about 20+ diagnosis and things that are now wrong with me. I don't laugh as much as I used to. I take everything way to seriously now. I don't let myself truly be myself anymore. I am a shell of the person I once was.
Worst of all is the damage this disease has done to my children. They are scared so much of the time because of me and my illnesses. They are always on guard, always watching to make sure I'm ok. They don't want anything happening to me. They are scared of me getting sick again and having to be hospitalized. I have been so sick and hospitalized way too much over the last 3 years. Now, my kids won't be totally honest with me. If they have problems, they don't feel comfortable sharing that with me because they don't want to add stress to me. They know stress can be deadly for me. They just want to keep me healthy, so they hide problems from me and act like things are good. But secretly they are in pain and hurting but not sharing that. They are scared I will die and then I won't be here for them. That is so sad and I just feel like it crushes my heart to know I have caused so much pain for them. I want them to be able to be young and carefree. Not so scared and worried and protective of me. I just them to be themselves, to be able to act their ages, and to come to mommy when they need me. Instead, they are protecting and taking care of me. This has got to chance. Cushing's has stolen my life and replaced it with a shell of the person who once was....
Sunday, April 12, 2015
My thoughts for the day....
I've been thinking a lot about my first round with Cushing's a lot lately. My endocrinologist has me tapering off of hydrocortisone in order to re-test me and see if I have another tumor and if I have active Cushing's again. From the way things are going so far, it appears that my left adrenal gland is not waking up and starting to work at all. It should have started working long before now. I'm really worried about what might be happening inside of me. I don't want to go through this all again, but the symptoms are there again. I have sweating spells where I am drenched in sweat for no reason. I can just be sitting on the couch, not doing anything and this will happen. I have noticed muscle and joint pain and weakness getting really bad again. My weight is going up for no apparent reason. I'm not eating bad. In fact, I have gotten my blood sugar under control finally and sometimes my problem is going too low instead of too high. I have been getting more active because I was feeling better and had improved pain relief. Now, that isn't true anymore. I am really tired and in a lot of pain again.
What will happen to me and my kids if I have Cushing's and another tumor AGAIN??? I don't have a huge support system anymore. I don't know how I will do it this time. I'm scared for all of us. My mother is terrific and does so much for us already. I know she would do anything in the world for us. I love her so much. I want to be the one being there for her. I want to be well enough to take care of her. I don't want to be sick anymore. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Some days you just have "one of those days". You know, the kind of day that no matter what you do it doesn't seem like things go right at all? Well, I feel like that today. Most of the things I have tried today have been bad. My daughter is still sick. We have to go to a couple of doctors and work out treatment plans for her. We have to get her better. I have to be able to take care of her and see her through this difficult time in her life. My son is still sick also. After his first allergic reaction last week, we have had to watch what he eats very closely. We have his Epi pen, just in case another allergic reaction happens. We are waiting on his appointment with his pediatrician to refer us to an allergist. Then we can figure out exactly what he is allergic her. I have to be here for him. I have to get him through this. This is my job as his mother and my extreme joy and pleasure to help him get better. My mom has also had some medical problems that I need to be there for her. She has done so much for me and been there for me so many times. It the least I can do to be there to support her. I love my mom and my kids so much.
I don't have time to have Cushing's take over my life again. This just can't be happening again. So, my final thought for today.... Please pray for us all. Thank you.
What will happen to me and my kids if I have Cushing's and another tumor AGAIN??? I don't have a huge support system anymore. I don't know how I will do it this time. I'm scared for all of us. My mother is terrific and does so much for us already. I know she would do anything in the world for us. I love her so much. I want to be the one being there for her. I want to be well enough to take care of her. I don't want to be sick anymore. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Some days you just have "one of those days". You know, the kind of day that no matter what you do it doesn't seem like things go right at all? Well, I feel like that today. Most of the things I have tried today have been bad. My daughter is still sick. We have to go to a couple of doctors and work out treatment plans for her. We have to get her better. I have to be able to take care of her and see her through this difficult time in her life. My son is still sick also. After his first allergic reaction last week, we have had to watch what he eats very closely. We have his Epi pen, just in case another allergic reaction happens. We are waiting on his appointment with his pediatrician to refer us to an allergist. Then we can figure out exactly what he is allergic her. I have to be here for him. I have to get him through this. This is my job as his mother and my extreme joy and pleasure to help him get better. My mom has also had some medical problems that I need to be there for her. She has done so much for me and been there for me so many times. It the least I can do to be there to support her. I love my mom and my kids so much.
I don't have time to have Cushing's take over my life again. This just can't be happening again. So, my final thought for today.... Please pray for us all. Thank you.
I don't know if I've learned how...
How do you cope?
This is a very good question. I have no idea some days how I make it through and cope. I just take my time week by week, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, or moment by moment. It's how you live life in general. You do what you have to for survival and to make it through good times and bad. Good times, of course, are easier at make it through. Bad times, are much harder.
Before, I had family and friends to rely and lean on. That support helped me immensely to make it through. It didn't seem as daunting with a good support system. I think that is something essential to coping and making it through this horrible disease. I don't have that system any longer. Many of the people have turned their backs on me. It's been too long for them. They don't believe I could possibly still be sick. So, I lost that strong support system. Now, I have myself and a few select people who are still there for me. I have learned that I have to be my best support system. I've learned you can rely truly, 100% rely on yourself. Others can always let you down or turn on you. But you yourself will always be there.
I have learned to that doing things that I enjoy will relax me and help me cope during some of my tougher times or pain. I have learned to craft and do loom caps and scarves. I really enjoy this activity and can do it for hours. It gets my mind off my own worried and onto something more hopeful. I want to get good enough that I can start donating my caps and scarves to the hospital or maybe the cancer society. Somewhere that it can help people out.
I have also learned to cope by realizing that even though this disease is horrible, there are people who go through much worse. There are people in more pain, in more despair, in a more daunting experience. I am very lucky. I, by the grace of God, wake up each day and can be thankful that I am alive. I am recovering and feel better most days. On the days I don't feel so good, then I am thankful that I am alive to feel bad.
Never, never give up is my motto I live by. Coping just has to be something I do because I will not allow myself to give up.
This is a very good question. I have no idea some days how I make it through and cope. I just take my time week by week, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, or moment by moment. It's how you live life in general. You do what you have to for survival and to make it through good times and bad. Good times, of course, are easier at make it through. Bad times, are much harder.
Before, I had family and friends to rely and lean on. That support helped me immensely to make it through. It didn't seem as daunting with a good support system. I think that is something essential to coping and making it through this horrible disease. I don't have that system any longer. Many of the people have turned their backs on me. It's been too long for them. They don't believe I could possibly still be sick. So, I lost that strong support system. Now, I have myself and a few select people who are still there for me. I have learned that I have to be my best support system. I've learned you can rely truly, 100% rely on yourself. Others can always let you down or turn on you. But you yourself will always be there.
I have learned to that doing things that I enjoy will relax me and help me cope during some of my tougher times or pain. I have learned to craft and do loom caps and scarves. I really enjoy this activity and can do it for hours. It gets my mind off my own worried and onto something more hopeful. I want to get good enough that I can start donating my caps and scarves to the hospital or maybe the cancer society. Somewhere that it can help people out.
I have also learned to cope by realizing that even though this disease is horrible, there are people who go through much worse. There are people in more pain, in more despair, in a more daunting experience. I am very lucky. I, by the grace of God, wake up each day and can be thankful that I am alive. I am recovering and feel better most days. On the days I don't feel so good, then I am thankful that I am alive to feel bad.
Never, never give up is my motto I live by. Coping just has to be something I do because I will not allow myself to give up.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
My life in chaos
Stress is bad for Cushing's patients. It can literally make you sick. I have had so much stress this week that it has affected my health. Sunday I called the ambulance for my 8 year old son who had an allergic reaction to Milk Duds.
After a few hours at the ER we went home. Wednesday my 12 year old daughter was admitted to the hospital because she was wheezing and having trouble breathing. Another ambulance ride. She got out of the hospital this afternoon. We were home about 3 hours. She was having trouble breathing again so another call to the ambulance. This has all affected my health. I'm exhausted all the time. I shake for no reason. Trouble sleeping even though I'm exhausted. Migraine headache. I could go on, but I'm too tired. Hope you all take care of yourselves. You are important.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
I blog about my health because
This is going to be a short post. My daughter is in the hospital, so I am staying with her. I blog about my health because I want to educate people about Cushing's and hopefully make it easier for someone else to get diagnosed. Doctors need to be educated by those of us suffering from this disease. People need to be taught to stick up for themselves. Be their own advocate. Make the doctors listen and do the right tests to diagnose this horrible disease.
Living with this disease is bad enough. It's time to educate the people to fight for themselves. Maybe then they can get treatments they need.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Challenges & Victories
5 Challenges & 5 Small Victories.
What would life be without challenges and victories along the way? It would be dull and we never would learn anything, never grow as a person. So, even though the challenges and victories are sometimes hard fought and hard won or not they all make life worth living. So over the course of time, while I have been dealing with my journey that has become bigger than I ever imagined. Here are the top 5 challenges and small victories I have encountered.
My Challenges:
#5 Family turning on me I have been sick for four years now. Before this I was perfectly healthy and happy. Living life and learning a new normal. Things were falling into places and things were looking up. Then I got sick and I had a lot of family that supported me. They were all there for me through the tests, surgeries, comas, hospitalizations, sicknesses, etc... But now it's been four years and I've had my surgery so it's time I get over myself and get on with my life. I was told that all I ever talk about is being sick and my illnesses. It's really not that big a deal, but I am making it more of an issue than it needs to be. I was even told by a very special person that I was a waste of their time and breath. Wow, I'm not even worth the breath she wastes talking to me. That's sweet. So, people have pushed me out of their lives because I still have a lot of medical issues. Some are Cushing's related and some are the result of many other illnesses I have now. Oh well, time marches on and so do I.
#4 Being Sick and Hospitalized : After my successful surgery on October 31, 2012 it seemed like everything started to really fall apart. I started ending up in the ER and hospital more than ever in my life. I knew it would be a challenge getting better from my surgery, but I had no idea that everything started falling apart in my body. I spent more time in the hospital than at home. This was very tough for me and my kids. I didn't see my children very much. They had school and other activities. I was an extra trip to go visit with, so they were not allowed to visit me much. They wanted to, but it was just not allowed.
#3 Getting Diagnosed: Once I found a doctor who would actually listen to me I started working on building my personal medical team. Doctors who cared and would listen to me. But also doctors who knew what they were doing, so they knew the hoops I needed to jump through in order to be diagnosed. So many tests, labs, 24 hour urines, blood work, MRIs, CTs, Ultrasounds, you name it and there is a good likelihood that I have been through it. My endocrinologist kept telling me that it would all be worth it in the end. And it was. After all the tests were finally done I was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure, and Cushing's Syndrome. They had found an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland.
#2 Finding a doctor who would listen to me: I had been going to a group of doctors for years when I first started having symptoms. They were not interested in doing anything about my new symptoms. Just kept telling me it could be because I was so stressed out having lost my dad and my husband within the two years previous. Since they wouldn't help me I searched for a new doctor who would listen and figure out what was wrong with me. I found a couple of doctors who would act like they were going to help me at first and then it turned out they were just in it to get as much money as they could out of me. I went through four or five doctors before I finally found the one who would listen to me. He ran the blood test and referred me to an endocrinologist. After that, my medical team was on the way to being built and it had the right doctors finally. Some that cared and got results. I know if I had listened to the first few doctors I saw I would have never pursued actually getting diagnosed. So many doctors would tell me that my tests came back normal so there was nothing wrong with me. I refused to accept that because I knew something was wrong.
#1 My first attempted surgery and me flatlining after: July 2, 2012 is a day that will forever live in my mind and memories. That is the day I went in for my first attempt at removing my right adrenal gland and tumor. This was supposed to be an easy surgery. "No big deal." "We'll be in and out in no time." these are the things I doctor said to me. Then I was wheeled off to surgery. I remember making it to the operating room and moving over to the surgical table. Then I started counting backwards and it was lights out. I woke up several hours later with something down my throat that was breathing for me. Turns out that my liver was five times the size it's supposed to be because of my Cushing's. The surgeon couldn't find my adrenal gland. They woke me up in the operating room and told me what the new plan was and why I couldn't have my surgery that day. I was supposed to have said I understood and then I fell back on the table and flatlined on them. They had to revive me, put me on a ventilator, and wheeled me to ICU. Which is where I was, waking up on a ventilator. That was a very scary moment for me. I had four other times over the next two years that I almost died and ended up on a ventilator in ICU, clinging to life.
My Victories:
#5 Being able to go places: I know this may sound strange to some, but just being able to go places and go in. Like going shopping at the grocery store or Wal-Mart, etc... that is something I had missed so much. I went for around a year and a half without going shopping or hardly getting out of the house at all. I didn't even go out to check the mail. I stayed in my house and slept, a lot. And when I wasn't sleeping I was going to the bathroom or eating. I was hardly awake long enough to visit with my kids and see how they were doing.
#4 Losing Weight: During the prediagnosis time for Cushing's I was putting on a lot of weight very quickly. I gained approximately 151 lbs. in about a eight months time. It was terrifying to me that I was gaining this weight while eating healthy and walking daily. I was eating tons of salads and whole grains. I had cut out soda and sugary drinks from my diet and was drinking a lot more water and occasional juice. But the weight kept coming on. After my successful surgery in October 2012, I started losing weight immediately. I lost 30 lbs the first month. It was coming off quickly. It was aided in coming off by my bouts of gastroparesis and pancreatitis. Because when those flaired up I would end up on a "Nothing by mouth" diet for days and then it would be "Ice Chips Only" and after that I would finally graduate to "Clear liquids." This is not a diet that will put any weight on. It takes the weight off like crazy and I was enjoying it immensely. The first six months after surgery and I had lost around 80 lbs. I finally got 100 lbs off and I felt great.
#3 Walking to the Park with my kids: About three weeks ago I had a very exciting Saturday. My kids had been begging me for years to walk them to the park. We live about two blocks from the park, so it didn't seem like a big deal to them to walk over there. It was a beautiful, sunny day. I told the kids to pack a lunch in our backpack and we would go to the park. We set out on our journey and I actually made it to the park. We sat and ate our food and then the kids played for three hours. It was so wonderful to be able to sit there and watch them play. They were so excited and full of life. We finally packed up and went home. It was harder on my journey home because I was tired from being out for so long, but I made it home. It was a major victory for me. It had been over three years since I had been able to do something like that. It felt fabulous.
#2 Successful Surgery: October 31, 2012 finally arrived and I was in St. Louis, Missouri waiting on the only surgeon in the whole state who could perform my surgery without killing me. He is a wonderful doctor and surgeon. He knows about Cushing's because he has several Cushing's patients. I was feeling scared and goofy that day. Fear had taken over and I was very happy to see I had a purple outfit to put on with a bear on the top and purple socks that looked like bear claws. So, I was able to kinda dress up like a bear for Halloween. That made me laugh. It's a blurr what all happened before my surgery. I just remember being there at the hospital and then I woke up and my surgery was over. It was a success and they were able to remove the adrenal gland and egg size tumor. I was in pain, but the nurses took wonderful care of me. It was two days of recovery and then I was on my way home. It felt like a victory.
#1 I'm Alive!!!! As I mentioned previously, I have had several times when my health has majorly failed me and I have been barely hanging on to being alive. I have spent five times in the ICU on a ventilator and in a coma. Some were short stays of just a day or two. Some were longer stays with me being in a coma for three days before I started coming back around. Spent several days in the hospital after that and then I was released. But, even through all of the challenges that have come my way, I have faced them all and I'm ALIVE!!! I know that I have a greater purpose in my life or else I wouldn't have made it through all the times that I was so very sick. I am thankful every day that I am still here. I have had a successful surgery and I am proof that things can work out. I know that I will still face challenges and setbacks in my journey. But the one thing that I will always celebrate as a victory is the simple fact that I'M ALIVE!!!!!!
What would life be without challenges and victories along the way? It would be dull and we never would learn anything, never grow as a person. So, even though the challenges and victories are sometimes hard fought and hard won or not they all make life worth living. So over the course of time, while I have been dealing with my journey that has become bigger than I ever imagined. Here are the top 5 challenges and small victories I have encountered.
My Challenges:
#5 Family turning on me I have been sick for four years now. Before this I was perfectly healthy and happy. Living life and learning a new normal. Things were falling into places and things were looking up. Then I got sick and I had a lot of family that supported me. They were all there for me through the tests, surgeries, comas, hospitalizations, sicknesses, etc... But now it's been four years and I've had my surgery so it's time I get over myself and get on with my life. I was told that all I ever talk about is being sick and my illnesses. It's really not that big a deal, but I am making it more of an issue than it needs to be. I was even told by a very special person that I was a waste of their time and breath. Wow, I'm not even worth the breath she wastes talking to me. That's sweet. So, people have pushed me out of their lives because I still have a lot of medical issues. Some are Cushing's related and some are the result of many other illnesses I have now. Oh well, time marches on and so do I.
#4 Being Sick and Hospitalized : After my successful surgery on October 31, 2012 it seemed like everything started to really fall apart. I started ending up in the ER and hospital more than ever in my life. I knew it would be a challenge getting better from my surgery, but I had no idea that everything started falling apart in my body. I spent more time in the hospital than at home. This was very tough for me and my kids. I didn't see my children very much. They had school and other activities. I was an extra trip to go visit with, so they were not allowed to visit me much. They wanted to, but it was just not allowed.
#3 Getting Diagnosed: Once I found a doctor who would actually listen to me I started working on building my personal medical team. Doctors who cared and would listen to me. But also doctors who knew what they were doing, so they knew the hoops I needed to jump through in order to be diagnosed. So many tests, labs, 24 hour urines, blood work, MRIs, CTs, Ultrasounds, you name it and there is a good likelihood that I have been through it. My endocrinologist kept telling me that it would all be worth it in the end. And it was. After all the tests were finally done I was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure, and Cushing's Syndrome. They had found an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland.
#2 Finding a doctor who would listen to me: I had been going to a group of doctors for years when I first started having symptoms. They were not interested in doing anything about my new symptoms. Just kept telling me it could be because I was so stressed out having lost my dad and my husband within the two years previous. Since they wouldn't help me I searched for a new doctor who would listen and figure out what was wrong with me. I found a couple of doctors who would act like they were going to help me at first and then it turned out they were just in it to get as much money as they could out of me. I went through four or five doctors before I finally found the one who would listen to me. He ran the blood test and referred me to an endocrinologist. After that, my medical team was on the way to being built and it had the right doctors finally. Some that cared and got results. I know if I had listened to the first few doctors I saw I would have never pursued actually getting diagnosed. So many doctors would tell me that my tests came back normal so there was nothing wrong with me. I refused to accept that because I knew something was wrong.
#1 My first attempted surgery and me flatlining after: July 2, 2012 is a day that will forever live in my mind and memories. That is the day I went in for my first attempt at removing my right adrenal gland and tumor. This was supposed to be an easy surgery. "No big deal." "We'll be in and out in no time." these are the things I doctor said to me. Then I was wheeled off to surgery. I remember making it to the operating room and moving over to the surgical table. Then I started counting backwards and it was lights out. I woke up several hours later with something down my throat that was breathing for me. Turns out that my liver was five times the size it's supposed to be because of my Cushing's. The surgeon couldn't find my adrenal gland. They woke me up in the operating room and told me what the new plan was and why I couldn't have my surgery that day. I was supposed to have said I understood and then I fell back on the table and flatlined on them. They had to revive me, put me on a ventilator, and wheeled me to ICU. Which is where I was, waking up on a ventilator. That was a very scary moment for me. I had four other times over the next two years that I almost died and ended up on a ventilator in ICU, clinging to life.
My Victories:
#5 Being able to go places: I know this may sound strange to some, but just being able to go places and go in. Like going shopping at the grocery store or Wal-Mart, etc... that is something I had missed so much. I went for around a year and a half without going shopping or hardly getting out of the house at all. I didn't even go out to check the mail. I stayed in my house and slept, a lot. And when I wasn't sleeping I was going to the bathroom or eating. I was hardly awake long enough to visit with my kids and see how they were doing.
#4 Losing Weight: During the prediagnosis time for Cushing's I was putting on a lot of weight very quickly. I gained approximately 151 lbs. in about a eight months time. It was terrifying to me that I was gaining this weight while eating healthy and walking daily. I was eating tons of salads and whole grains. I had cut out soda and sugary drinks from my diet and was drinking a lot more water and occasional juice. But the weight kept coming on. After my successful surgery in October 2012, I started losing weight immediately. I lost 30 lbs the first month. It was coming off quickly. It was aided in coming off by my bouts of gastroparesis and pancreatitis. Because when those flaired up I would end up on a "Nothing by mouth" diet for days and then it would be "Ice Chips Only" and after that I would finally graduate to "Clear liquids." This is not a diet that will put any weight on. It takes the weight off like crazy and I was enjoying it immensely. The first six months after surgery and I had lost around 80 lbs. I finally got 100 lbs off and I felt great.
#3 Walking to the Park with my kids: About three weeks ago I had a very exciting Saturday. My kids had been begging me for years to walk them to the park. We live about two blocks from the park, so it didn't seem like a big deal to them to walk over there. It was a beautiful, sunny day. I told the kids to pack a lunch in our backpack and we would go to the park. We set out on our journey and I actually made it to the park. We sat and ate our food and then the kids played for three hours. It was so wonderful to be able to sit there and watch them play. They were so excited and full of life. We finally packed up and went home. It was harder on my journey home because I was tired from being out for so long, but I made it home. It was a major victory for me. It had been over three years since I had been able to do something like that. It felt fabulous.
#2 Successful Surgery: October 31, 2012 finally arrived and I was in St. Louis, Missouri waiting on the only surgeon in the whole state who could perform my surgery without killing me. He is a wonderful doctor and surgeon. He knows about Cushing's because he has several Cushing's patients. I was feeling scared and goofy that day. Fear had taken over and I was very happy to see I had a purple outfit to put on with a bear on the top and purple socks that looked like bear claws. So, I was able to kinda dress up like a bear for Halloween. That made me laugh. It's a blurr what all happened before my surgery. I just remember being there at the hospital and then I woke up and my surgery was over. It was a success and they were able to remove the adrenal gland and egg size tumor. I was in pain, but the nurses took wonderful care of me. It was two days of recovery and then I was on my way home. It felt like a victory.
#1 I'm Alive!!!! As I mentioned previously, I have had several times when my health has majorly failed me and I have been barely hanging on to being alive. I have spent five times in the ICU on a ventilator and in a coma. Some were short stays of just a day or two. Some were longer stays with me being in a coma for three days before I started coming back around. Spent several days in the hospital after that and then I was released. But, even through all of the challenges that have come my way, I have faced them all and I'm ALIVE!!! I know that I have a greater purpose in my life or else I wouldn't have made it through all the times that I was so very sick. I am thankful every day that I am still here. I have had a successful surgery and I am proof that things can work out. I know that I will still face challenges and setbacks in my journey. But the one thing that I will always celebrate as a victory is the simple fact that I'M ALIVE!!!!!!
Monday, April 6, 2015
Medication Information
The role my medication plays in my life.
When I was diagnosed with Cushing's and the many things thereafter, I went from taking no medication at all. Maybe an occasional Excedrin Migraine, but not much else. Now I take a multitude of medications. Each of them has their own purpose and without them all I wouldn't function like I do right now. My daily functioning has been increased greatly by these medications. They also have allowed me to get well and I can gladly say that I have not been hospitalized or even to the ER for my own health in the last few months.
Now the list and their purpose:
Apidra... This is my short acting insulin and helps so much. I have been on other insulins but my body got used to them and they didn't work anymore. Apidra is definitely the best insulin I have used. It has gotten my numbers down in the 100s range for the first time in a very long time. I take 90 units of this with meals and a sliding scale depending on my blood sugar levels.
Levemir Flextouch... First, I have to say how much I love, love, love the new flextouch pens. They are absolutely wonderful. Just dial up your dosage and push. It's so easy. Second, I will tell you that this is my long acting insulin. It works throughout the day and night to keep the blood sugar levels down over the extended period of time. I take 90 units of Levemir twice a day.
Bupropion Sr or Wellbutrin (as most people know it): I take this to help with my depression. I have a huge issue with depression and anxiety. I luckily have this under control with my medications that I take for it. One of the things that Cushing's gave me as a present was my depression and anxiety issues. I have had a lot of problems with anxiety and panic attacks. It is very intense when I have anxiety attacks. I can start crying and shaking for no reason at all. I worry about everything. Without the medication I get so depressed that all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to function in or be a part of society. I just want to sleep. My doctor recently added the wellbutrin to my list of medications in addition to my Cymbalta to see if it would help better. It seems to be working very well.
Duloxetine DR or Cymbalta: This is the medication that my doctor started me on when we identified that I had depression. It has helped me over the last few years, but lately my level of depression has increased. In addition to Cushing's and my other medical issues, I am going through a divorce, have painful family issues going on, and just life in general is stressing me out. So, that is why my doctor decided to also add Wellbutrin to my mix of meds. The two of these meds work very well together and make me feel so much better about life. I can function fairly well as long as I remember to take my meds.
Hydrocortisone: The drug I seem to not be able to get rid of. Of course, I started on hydrocortisone when my adrenal gland was removed. This helped me to come down from my high of all the hormones my body produced too much of all the time. I am currently taking 20 mg morning and evening. I am finally starting to wean myself off of it. The times in the past I have tried this have resulted in me being hospitalized, so I am praying that it works this time. Wonderful drug that gives me the strength and energy to make it through the day.
Probiotic: This is a nutritional supplement that an ER doctor suggested to me. I was having numerous bouts of pancreatitis and gastroparesis. The doctors cannot figure out why I got this issues. The only thing we can attribute it to is possibly the Cushing's messing up my body so much. This supplement has helped to greatly to be able to avoid the hospital, even when I have small bouts of these issues pop up.
Low dose Aspirin: This is to help with my heart health. Yes, another thing you can get because of Cushing's is heart problems. I am desperately trying to avoid them, but my family history is ugly with heart problems.
Trimethobenzamide or Tigan: This is my miracle drug. The worst bout of pancreatitis and gastroparesis I had resulted in me vomiting for over 36 hours straight. I was so dehydrated that I was dry heaving up stomach acids. It was exhausting me also because I was only sleeping in bouts of 10 - 15 minutes at a time and vomiting for about 30 minutes and repeat. The doctors had tried just about everything they could think of. The last hope was Tigan. If this didn't work I was going to have an NG tube. I did not want that. I prayed it would work. Luckily, the Tigan worked. I stopped vomiting and was able to get some rest. Whenever I get real nauseated I take the Tigan and it settles my stomach down.
Ondansetron ODT or Zofran: My other miracle medication to cease vomiting. One of these little beauties, dissolved under your tongue and it can keep sickness away. This usually works if I take one at the first feeling of nausea.
Ferrous Sulfate 325 mg or Iron: This helps me keep enough iron in my body. Another thing that Cushing's can do is deplete some of the vitamins and minerals that your body need. I have been admitted to the hospital and had to get IV iron and assorted other vitamins several times. So, now I have a prescription to try and keep my body replenished.
Vitamin D3: This helps with your immune health. Because of the Cushing's my immunity is deprived and basically sucks. With Cushing's and Diabetes to worry about any time I get sick, it is very hard on my body. So, I do all that I can to help my immunity out.
Vitamin C500 mg: Yet another vitamin to help my immunity out.
Metoprolol Tartrate: This medication helps out in a couple of ways. Because of the Cushing's I had an extremely high heart rate. I think at it's highest my heart rate was in the 180s. Metoprolol helps to slow down my heart rate to between 80 - 90. This is a much more acceptable heart rate. This medicine also helps with my high blood pressure. It has worked wonders and helped get the blood pressure under control.
Cicyclomine or Bentyl: this medicine helps with my stomach. It helps with indigestion and also with keeping my stomach working properly and stomach acids under control.
Pantoprazole or Protonix: This medication helps me with a couple of issues. It helps reduce stomach acids and helps with heartburn and acid reflux, both problems I had before I started using this. It also helps regulate the stomach acids and decreases the occurance of gastroparesis and pancreatitis. I have missed a couple of doses of this medication in the past and paid dearly with a horrendous case of gastroparesis. I have not missed a dose since.
Metformin: This is pill form to help keep blood sugar under control. It takes the medication and the insulin to help regulate my blood sugar.
Gabapentin: This is a wonder pill that helps with my diabetic neuropathy pain as well as my fibromyalgia. This pain can get pretty intense if left untreated. Luckily this medication works very well at alleviating this pain.
Butrans patch: I use the 20 mg patch once a week. It is a patch that I put on my back once a week to help with chronic pain in my lower back and body overall. I have 2 ruptured discs, 2 herniated discs, and degenerative back disorder, and arthritis in my lower back and my body. The Butrans patch helps me so much more than the Fentanyl and Morphine that I used to take for the same pain. I have become so much more functioning since starting the Butrans.
Suboxone: This is a strip that I dissolve under my tongue. It helps in conjunction with the Butrans patch to help with the pain. I still have pain, but we are still working on the right dosage of the Suboxone for me to take to get rid of as much pain as possible. This is a wonder strip. The instant the medication dissolves and goes into your blood stream it works instantly.
Each of these medicines help something in my body to work better and correctly. They help me be the person I am. A functioning, capable member of society . I still have pain and some issues, but with my medicines I am working on making a better functioning me.
When I was diagnosed with Cushing's and the many things thereafter, I went from taking no medication at all. Maybe an occasional Excedrin Migraine, but not much else. Now I take a multitude of medications. Each of them has their own purpose and without them all I wouldn't function like I do right now. My daily functioning has been increased greatly by these medications. They also have allowed me to get well and I can gladly say that I have not been hospitalized or even to the ER for my own health in the last few months.
Now the list and their purpose:
Apidra... This is my short acting insulin and helps so much. I have been on other insulins but my body got used to them and they didn't work anymore. Apidra is definitely the best insulin I have used. It has gotten my numbers down in the 100s range for the first time in a very long time. I take 90 units of this with meals and a sliding scale depending on my blood sugar levels.
Levemir Flextouch... First, I have to say how much I love, love, love the new flextouch pens. They are absolutely wonderful. Just dial up your dosage and push. It's so easy. Second, I will tell you that this is my long acting insulin. It works throughout the day and night to keep the blood sugar levels down over the extended period of time. I take 90 units of Levemir twice a day.
Bupropion Sr or Wellbutrin (as most people know it): I take this to help with my depression. I have a huge issue with depression and anxiety. I luckily have this under control with my medications that I take for it. One of the things that Cushing's gave me as a present was my depression and anxiety issues. I have had a lot of problems with anxiety and panic attacks. It is very intense when I have anxiety attacks. I can start crying and shaking for no reason at all. I worry about everything. Without the medication I get so depressed that all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to function in or be a part of society. I just want to sleep. My doctor recently added the wellbutrin to my list of medications in addition to my Cymbalta to see if it would help better. It seems to be working very well.
Duloxetine DR or Cymbalta: This is the medication that my doctor started me on when we identified that I had depression. It has helped me over the last few years, but lately my level of depression has increased. In addition to Cushing's and my other medical issues, I am going through a divorce, have painful family issues going on, and just life in general is stressing me out. So, that is why my doctor decided to also add Wellbutrin to my mix of meds. The two of these meds work very well together and make me feel so much better about life. I can function fairly well as long as I remember to take my meds.
Hydrocortisone: The drug I seem to not be able to get rid of. Of course, I started on hydrocortisone when my adrenal gland was removed. This helped me to come down from my high of all the hormones my body produced too much of all the time. I am currently taking 20 mg morning and evening. I am finally starting to wean myself off of it. The times in the past I have tried this have resulted in me being hospitalized, so I am praying that it works this time. Wonderful drug that gives me the strength and energy to make it through the day.
Probiotic: This is a nutritional supplement that an ER doctor suggested to me. I was having numerous bouts of pancreatitis and gastroparesis. The doctors cannot figure out why I got this issues. The only thing we can attribute it to is possibly the Cushing's messing up my body so much. This supplement has helped to greatly to be able to avoid the hospital, even when I have small bouts of these issues pop up.
Low dose Aspirin: This is to help with my heart health. Yes, another thing you can get because of Cushing's is heart problems. I am desperately trying to avoid them, but my family history is ugly with heart problems.
Trimethobenzamide or Tigan: This is my miracle drug. The worst bout of pancreatitis and gastroparesis I had resulted in me vomiting for over 36 hours straight. I was so dehydrated that I was dry heaving up stomach acids. It was exhausting me also because I was only sleeping in bouts of 10 - 15 minutes at a time and vomiting for about 30 minutes and repeat. The doctors had tried just about everything they could think of. The last hope was Tigan. If this didn't work I was going to have an NG tube. I did not want that. I prayed it would work. Luckily, the Tigan worked. I stopped vomiting and was able to get some rest. Whenever I get real nauseated I take the Tigan and it settles my stomach down.
Ondansetron ODT or Zofran: My other miracle medication to cease vomiting. One of these little beauties, dissolved under your tongue and it can keep sickness away. This usually works if I take one at the first feeling of nausea.
Ferrous Sulfate 325 mg or Iron: This helps me keep enough iron in my body. Another thing that Cushing's can do is deplete some of the vitamins and minerals that your body need. I have been admitted to the hospital and had to get IV iron and assorted other vitamins several times. So, now I have a prescription to try and keep my body replenished.
Vitamin D3: This helps with your immune health. Because of the Cushing's my immunity is deprived and basically sucks. With Cushing's and Diabetes to worry about any time I get sick, it is very hard on my body. So, I do all that I can to help my immunity out.
Vitamin C500 mg: Yet another vitamin to help my immunity out.
Metoprolol Tartrate: This medication helps out in a couple of ways. Because of the Cushing's I had an extremely high heart rate. I think at it's highest my heart rate was in the 180s. Metoprolol helps to slow down my heart rate to between 80 - 90. This is a much more acceptable heart rate. This medicine also helps with my high blood pressure. It has worked wonders and helped get the blood pressure under control.
Cicyclomine or Bentyl: this medicine helps with my stomach. It helps with indigestion and also with keeping my stomach working properly and stomach acids under control.
Pantoprazole or Protonix: This medication helps me with a couple of issues. It helps reduce stomach acids and helps with heartburn and acid reflux, both problems I had before I started using this. It also helps regulate the stomach acids and decreases the occurance of gastroparesis and pancreatitis. I have missed a couple of doses of this medication in the past and paid dearly with a horrendous case of gastroparesis. I have not missed a dose since.
Metformin: This is pill form to help keep blood sugar under control. It takes the medication and the insulin to help regulate my blood sugar.
Gabapentin: This is a wonder pill that helps with my diabetic neuropathy pain as well as my fibromyalgia. This pain can get pretty intense if left untreated. Luckily this medication works very well at alleviating this pain.
Butrans patch: I use the 20 mg patch once a week. It is a patch that I put on my back once a week to help with chronic pain in my lower back and body overall. I have 2 ruptured discs, 2 herniated discs, and degenerative back disorder, and arthritis in my lower back and my body. The Butrans patch helps me so much more than the Fentanyl and Morphine that I used to take for the same pain. I have become so much more functioning since starting the Butrans.
Suboxone: This is a strip that I dissolve under my tongue. It helps in conjunction with the Butrans patch to help with the pain. I still have pain, but we are still working on the right dosage of the Suboxone for me to take to get rid of as much pain as possible. This is a wonder strip. The instant the medication dissolves and goes into your blood stream it works instantly.
Each of these medicines help something in my body to work better and correctly. They help me be the person I am. A functioning, capable member of society . I still have pain and some issues, but with my medicines I am working on making a better functioning me.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
My Children's perspective....
The following blog is the result of collaborations with two of my wonderful children, Alyssa and Jimmy...
How Cushing’s affects children and their families:
So, I saw this question and really wanted to give people the chance to see this disease from my kids point of view. I ask my kids how this has affected them and this is what they told me.
Jimmy is my 8 year old son. He is currently in the 2nd grade. When I first started getting sick, in 2011, he was 4 years old. He turned 5 later that year and started pre-school. It was at the end of his pre-school year that I learned I had Cushing's Syndrome.
Jimmy says: I have missed a lot of his school performances either because of being in the hospital, or just in too much pain to function. At school performances it would upset him when he saw other kids with their parents and I, his mom, wasn't there for him. He says he felt like he had no one to talk to. He had no one who would listen to him. He didn't feel like he had anyone who he could trust to keep his secrets. So, he felt alone and like there was no one he could open up to.
Jimmy now has separation anxiety and panic attacks because of all the time I was away from him. He is currently in therapy for this and some abuse he suffered under the hands of the devil. The devil physically, verbally, and mentally abused him while I was in the hospital. I had no idea until last year when the FBI showed up at my house and things started coming out. Jimmy has trouble making friends at school because he has a low self esteem.
Every time I get sick, Jimmy get scared now. He's afraid I'm going to end up in the hospital again and he's unsure where he will be. Who will take care of him? He just doesn't know what to do. It is just really uncertain for him every day because there are so many things I have to do and so many medicines I have to take to function and be ok.
A few weeks ago we were able to walk to the park. I haven't been able to walk to the park in over 3 years. We were able to be there and played for 3 hours before we walked back home. Jimmy says it felt good and like he could actually move for once because he was at the park and able to play. So, there are good times ahead, but he still gets scared a lot and feels uncertain about things.
Alyssa is my 12 year old daughter. She is in the 6th grade now. When I first started having symptoms of Cushing's she was 8 years old and going through her personal hell. She was in the 3rd grade when this all started.
Alyssa says: Of course we cannot fail to mention that because of my illness the devil molested her. He used my illness against her. Told her that if she told me what he was doing the stress of the situation would make me so sick that it would kill me. Alyssa had just lost her father two to three years earlier so she was scared to death of losing me and therefore didn't tell me. When she did tell me was at the height of my symptoms of Cushing's and between the Cushing's, medication, and other things going wrong with me I had impaired judgment and did not do as I should have done. Alyssa begged me to not tell anyone. She didn't want the devil to be turned in. I didn't know at the time that this was because she was protecting me. The devil had convinced her that she loved him. She wanted a father so badly that she was afraid of losing him. She begged me not to turn him in. I talked to the devil and he assured he it would never happen again. I trusted him. I was scared myself of him killing me. He had me convinced I couldn't live without him. I was stupid and made a very stupid decision. I didn't want to further hurt Alyssa by making her go through telling more people about the abuse, so I kept quiet. That's a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. I was on so much medication that my memory was gone quickly of this and I didn't hear about it again until the FBI showed up at my house last year. That's when it came back to me and I told them about it. That's when this horrible, unspeakable wrong started to be righted.
She remembers that she had a friend that wanted to come over and spend the night, but she always had to tell her "no" because I was always in the hospital and because she wanted to protect her friend from the devil. It scared her that I was sick so much and always in the hospital. She didn't want me to die. She had had nutrition classes at school and she knew that the stuff I was eating was not good for me. I didn't eat much and I was laying in bed all the time. She was afraid I was going to get blood clots from not moving around and they would kill me. She remembers the nutrition teacher saying that if you don't eat at all and you don't move at all that you can end up dying from it.
Alyssa says she felt like an orphan. Because she had lost her father and I was in the hospital so much that it was like I didn't exist anymore. Most of the kids at school knew she didn't have a father because they had had a "Bring Your Father to School Day". All of the kids brought their father to school except Alyssa. She was the only one without a father. Most of the kids didn't know she had a mom because I was never there. I wasn't there for the holiday parties, or parent/teacher conferences, or even just to pick her up from school. She felt very isolated and alone. She felt like she didn't even exist because she felt so alone. She felt like she wasn't even there.
November 23, 2013... This was Alyssa's 11th birthday. It was supposed to be a day full of happiness and fun and unicorns. I remember taking her to Incredible Pizza for her birthday lunch. This was with our family. I remember paying for the meal and sitting down at a table feeling very shaky..... and that was it for a couple of days for me. Later in that day, I ended up in the ER unresponsive and near death. I had pneumonia, was in respiratory distress, kidney failure, respiratory failure, and the list goes on and on. I'm told I had IVs in my arms and legs and anywhere else they could stick them. The ER staff were scared I was on my way out. They sent me to ICU thinking I did not have long to live. I woke up a couple of days later on a ventilator. I spent a total of about 4 days in ICU and another 4 or 5 days after moving to a regular room.
She says she can remember her grandma and the devil taking me to the ER and then not seeing me for over a week. They told her she didn't want to see me like that. I had needles and tubes everywhere and they were afraid it would scare her. They told her she could not come up there to see me. One hell of a birthday for her. Her mother dies and has to be revived and put on a ventilator.
Alyssa has separation anxiety, panic attacks and has been suicidal as a result of my illness and frequent hospitalizations. She felt so scared at one point in time during the peak of my hospital stays and illness that she wanted to end it all and kill herself so that she wouldn't have to hurt so much anymore. She is currently in therapy for these things and she is making progress.
This disease has torn my family apart. Many of my family members don't believe that I can possibly be as sick as I am. They think it's gone on for too long and I should have been cured by now. There's no way a disease can make you this sick. They think I'm just lazy and don't want to get out and work. It is very hurtful the things that people can say and do. It's incredible how much they think they know about this disease. They aren't the ones living it. It takes someone very special, caring, dependable, and courageous to be there for those of us living with Cushing's. It is a true testament to unconditional love.....
How Cushing’s affects children and their families:
So, I saw this question and really wanted to give people the chance to see this disease from my kids point of view. I ask my kids how this has affected them and this is what they told me.
Jimmy is my 8 year old son. He is currently in the 2nd grade. When I first started getting sick, in 2011, he was 4 years old. He turned 5 later that year and started pre-school. It was at the end of his pre-school year that I learned I had Cushing's Syndrome.
Jimmy says: I have missed a lot of his school performances either because of being in the hospital, or just in too much pain to function. At school performances it would upset him when he saw other kids with their parents and I, his mom, wasn't there for him. He says he felt like he had no one to talk to. He had no one who would listen to him. He didn't feel like he had anyone who he could trust to keep his secrets. So, he felt alone and like there was no one he could open up to.
Jimmy now has separation anxiety and panic attacks because of all the time I was away from him. He is currently in therapy for this and some abuse he suffered under the hands of the devil. The devil physically, verbally, and mentally abused him while I was in the hospital. I had no idea until last year when the FBI showed up at my house and things started coming out. Jimmy has trouble making friends at school because he has a low self esteem.
Every time I get sick, Jimmy get scared now. He's afraid I'm going to end up in the hospital again and he's unsure where he will be. Who will take care of him? He just doesn't know what to do. It is just really uncertain for him every day because there are so many things I have to do and so many medicines I have to take to function and be ok.
A few weeks ago we were able to walk to the park. I haven't been able to walk to the park in over 3 years. We were able to be there and played for 3 hours before we walked back home. Jimmy says it felt good and like he could actually move for once because he was at the park and able to play. So, there are good times ahead, but he still gets scared a lot and feels uncertain about things.
Alyssa is my 12 year old daughter. She is in the 6th grade now. When I first started having symptoms of Cushing's she was 8 years old and going through her personal hell. She was in the 3rd grade when this all started.
Alyssa says: Of course we cannot fail to mention that because of my illness the devil molested her. He used my illness against her. Told her that if she told me what he was doing the stress of the situation would make me so sick that it would kill me. Alyssa had just lost her father two to three years earlier so she was scared to death of losing me and therefore didn't tell me. When she did tell me was at the height of my symptoms of Cushing's and between the Cushing's, medication, and other things going wrong with me I had impaired judgment and did not do as I should have done. Alyssa begged me to not tell anyone. She didn't want the devil to be turned in. I didn't know at the time that this was because she was protecting me. The devil had convinced her that she loved him. She wanted a father so badly that she was afraid of losing him. She begged me not to turn him in. I talked to the devil and he assured he it would never happen again. I trusted him. I was scared myself of him killing me. He had me convinced I couldn't live without him. I was stupid and made a very stupid decision. I didn't want to further hurt Alyssa by making her go through telling more people about the abuse, so I kept quiet. That's a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. I was on so much medication that my memory was gone quickly of this and I didn't hear about it again until the FBI showed up at my house last year. That's when it came back to me and I told them about it. That's when this horrible, unspeakable wrong started to be righted.
She remembers that she had a friend that wanted to come over and spend the night, but she always had to tell her "no" because I was always in the hospital and because she wanted to protect her friend from the devil. It scared her that I was sick so much and always in the hospital. She didn't want me to die. She had had nutrition classes at school and she knew that the stuff I was eating was not good for me. I didn't eat much and I was laying in bed all the time. She was afraid I was going to get blood clots from not moving around and they would kill me. She remembers the nutrition teacher saying that if you don't eat at all and you don't move at all that you can end up dying from it.
Alyssa says she felt like an orphan. Because she had lost her father and I was in the hospital so much that it was like I didn't exist anymore. Most of the kids at school knew she didn't have a father because they had had a "Bring Your Father to School Day". All of the kids brought their father to school except Alyssa. She was the only one without a father. Most of the kids didn't know she had a mom because I was never there. I wasn't there for the holiday parties, or parent/teacher conferences, or even just to pick her up from school. She felt very isolated and alone. She felt like she didn't even exist because she felt so alone. She felt like she wasn't even there.
November 23, 2013... This was Alyssa's 11th birthday. It was supposed to be a day full of happiness and fun and unicorns. I remember taking her to Incredible Pizza for her birthday lunch. This was with our family. I remember paying for the meal and sitting down at a table feeling very shaky..... and that was it for a couple of days for me. Later in that day, I ended up in the ER unresponsive and near death. I had pneumonia, was in respiratory distress, kidney failure, respiratory failure, and the list goes on and on. I'm told I had IVs in my arms and legs and anywhere else they could stick them. The ER staff were scared I was on my way out. They sent me to ICU thinking I did not have long to live. I woke up a couple of days later on a ventilator. I spent a total of about 4 days in ICU and another 4 or 5 days after moving to a regular room.
She says she can remember her grandma and the devil taking me to the ER and then not seeing me for over a week. They told her she didn't want to see me like that. I had needles and tubes everywhere and they were afraid it would scare her. They told her she could not come up there to see me. One hell of a birthday for her. Her mother dies and has to be revived and put on a ventilator.
Alyssa has separation anxiety, panic attacks and has been suicidal as a result of my illness and frequent hospitalizations. She felt so scared at one point in time during the peak of my hospital stays and illness that she wanted to end it all and kill herself so that she wouldn't have to hurt so much anymore. She is currently in therapy for these things and she is making progress.
This disease has torn my family apart. Many of my family members don't believe that I can possibly be as sick as I am. They think it's gone on for too long and I should have been cured by now. There's no way a disease can make you this sick. They think I'm just lazy and don't want to get out and work. It is very hurtful the things that people can say and do. It's incredible how much they think they know about this disease. They aren't the ones living it. It takes someone very special, caring, dependable, and courageous to be there for those of us living with Cushing's. It is a true testament to unconditional love.....
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Call the police, my life has been stolen
What three things has Cushing’s stolen from you? What do you miss the most? :
I have to think and try to narrow down my list because there are so many things that Cushing's has stolen from me. It makes me mad, sad, angry, grateful, happy, and confused just thinking about all the things Cushing's has done to me.
First, Cushing's has taken time away from me. It has taken the last two and a half years away from me. From the time I was diagnosed until after surgery and then beyond that I have lost time. Time that I was in a coma and on a ventilator and had no idea what was going on around me. Time when I was so tired because of this damn disease that all I could do was sleep and go to the bathroom. Sometimes I slept for days, only waking up to go to the bathroom. I didn't eat. I was too nauseated or vomiting too much. Time when I was hospitalized and missed out on parent/teacher conferences, school plays and performances, time after school when I could ask about my kids' day and help them with homework, holidays I spent in the hospital because of complications, and birthdays that I was in the hospital so I missed out on the celebrations.
Second, Cushing's has stolen my mind from me. I have major depression and anxiety issues because of Cushing's. My brain acts very crazy now and my emotions are so unpredictable. I can be happy and laughing one minute and in a full blown anxiety attack the next. I never know what will set me off. I do know some triggers. Balloons are one of my triggers. Hi, my name is Tammy and I am scared to death of balloons. It doesn't matter if they are inflated or not. They scare the crap out of me. If they are inflated it gets worse and if one is popped, watch out because I am going to be totally crazy and unglued. I don't know why, but they terrify me. I feel like I'm crazy and I've lost my mind. Another thing I am scared of is having my doors open or the windows open where people can see in my house. Scares me into a anxiety attack. Don't know why, just don't want people looking in at me. I can go into anxiety attacks anywhere. I have had to excuse myself from the table when I have been out with friends so I could go to the bathroom. I lock myself in a stall and fall apart. I have a full blown anxiety attack. After I get through it, I pull myself back together and then go back to the table. I would rather someone think I have bladder issues than to witness one of my anxiety attacks. The depression makes me want to sleep and not go anywhere. I have to force myself to get out every once in a while, just so I don't become reclusive and totally anti-social.
Third, Cushing's has stolen my life as I knew it. I had a tough life, but I was adjusting to it. My first husband died when I was 37 years old and he was 36. That was life changing for me. No more normal. I had to create a new normal for my children and myself. Then, just when things started to look up and we were starting to be happy again... Cushing's comes along and steal my life as I knew it. I was a part-time college student. I also worked part-time at The Library Center, one of about 10 libraries in the Greene County Library District. I was a circulation assistant and I absolutely loved my job. It was the kind of job that I got up looking forward to going to work. I worked with such beautiful, wonderful people that were more life family than co-workers. They were my wonderful friends and family. They helped me out so many times when I really needed it. When I was absolutely lost, they came through for me and showed me how much they cared and loved me. I miss them and my job so much. The library patrons, whether they were regular or someone I just saw one time, made my life interesting and I miss them also. Just the things I had planned that I wanted to do. I was going to college to become a middle school teacher. I wanted to make a difference in someone's life. I had to chuck those plans. Cushing's stole my ability to be able to make plans ahead of time because I don't know from one day to the next and sometimes from one moment to the next how I am going to feel. Am I going to have enough energy to do something? Life is so different now. I have so many things wrong with me that I have spent the majority of the last couple of years in the hospital. Certainly not life as I knew it before. Before Cushing's the only time I was hospitalized was for each of the births of my three children, when I had an appendectomy, when I had my gall bladder removed, and when I had my left ulnar nerve repaired (surgery on my elbow to relocate a nerve that was pinched into a spot it wouldn't pinch anymore.). Now, I have been in the ER and hospitalized so many times that I am well know to the doctors, nurses and PCA's and even some of the kitchen staff and housekeepers. I am now on Disability because of my illnesses and because I spend so much time in the hospital that there is no way I could be employed.
Cushing's stole my life because there was at one point that I was in a wheelchair to get around. I was so big I couldn't give myself a bath because I would get too exhausted. I couldn't do laundry, wash dishes, do any household chores. I was too tired and hurt too much all the time. Cushing's robbed me of just normal everyday life. The things most people take for granted, I couldn't do because of Cushing's.
What do I miss the most? The time I have lost because I know just how precious time is. I missed out on memories that I can never make now. My kids are growing up so fast and there is no way for me to make up for that missed time. I have missed out on first days of school and the report afterwards of how the school year was going to be. I even missed out on the daily grind, the normal stuff. I can't make memories off of the time I was in the hospital because of Cushing's. Or in bed sleeping and not functioning because of Cushing's. I know life is precious. It can be gone in the blink of an eye. You have to live life to the fullest and get everything you can out of it. You never know when something is going to happen and your life will change forever.
I have to think and try to narrow down my list because there are so many things that Cushing's has stolen from me. It makes me mad, sad, angry, grateful, happy, and confused just thinking about all the things Cushing's has done to me.
First, Cushing's has taken time away from me. It has taken the last two and a half years away from me. From the time I was diagnosed until after surgery and then beyond that I have lost time. Time that I was in a coma and on a ventilator and had no idea what was going on around me. Time when I was so tired because of this damn disease that all I could do was sleep and go to the bathroom. Sometimes I slept for days, only waking up to go to the bathroom. I didn't eat. I was too nauseated or vomiting too much. Time when I was hospitalized and missed out on parent/teacher conferences, school plays and performances, time after school when I could ask about my kids' day and help them with homework, holidays I spent in the hospital because of complications, and birthdays that I was in the hospital so I missed out on the celebrations.
Second, Cushing's has stolen my mind from me. I have major depression and anxiety issues because of Cushing's. My brain acts very crazy now and my emotions are so unpredictable. I can be happy and laughing one minute and in a full blown anxiety attack the next. I never know what will set me off. I do know some triggers. Balloons are one of my triggers. Hi, my name is Tammy and I am scared to death of balloons. It doesn't matter if they are inflated or not. They scare the crap out of me. If they are inflated it gets worse and if one is popped, watch out because I am going to be totally crazy and unglued. I don't know why, but they terrify me. I feel like I'm crazy and I've lost my mind. Another thing I am scared of is having my doors open or the windows open where people can see in my house. Scares me into a anxiety attack. Don't know why, just don't want people looking in at me. I can go into anxiety attacks anywhere. I have had to excuse myself from the table when I have been out with friends so I could go to the bathroom. I lock myself in a stall and fall apart. I have a full blown anxiety attack. After I get through it, I pull myself back together and then go back to the table. I would rather someone think I have bladder issues than to witness one of my anxiety attacks. The depression makes me want to sleep and not go anywhere. I have to force myself to get out every once in a while, just so I don't become reclusive and totally anti-social.
Third, Cushing's has stolen my life as I knew it. I had a tough life, but I was adjusting to it. My first husband died when I was 37 years old and he was 36. That was life changing for me. No more normal. I had to create a new normal for my children and myself. Then, just when things started to look up and we were starting to be happy again... Cushing's comes along and steal my life as I knew it. I was a part-time college student. I also worked part-time at The Library Center, one of about 10 libraries in the Greene County Library District. I was a circulation assistant and I absolutely loved my job. It was the kind of job that I got up looking forward to going to work. I worked with such beautiful, wonderful people that were more life family than co-workers. They were my wonderful friends and family. They helped me out so many times when I really needed it. When I was absolutely lost, they came through for me and showed me how much they cared and loved me. I miss them and my job so much. The library patrons, whether they were regular or someone I just saw one time, made my life interesting and I miss them also. Just the things I had planned that I wanted to do. I was going to college to become a middle school teacher. I wanted to make a difference in someone's life. I had to chuck those plans. Cushing's stole my ability to be able to make plans ahead of time because I don't know from one day to the next and sometimes from one moment to the next how I am going to feel. Am I going to have enough energy to do something? Life is so different now. I have so many things wrong with me that I have spent the majority of the last couple of years in the hospital. Certainly not life as I knew it before. Before Cushing's the only time I was hospitalized was for each of the births of my three children, when I had an appendectomy, when I had my gall bladder removed, and when I had my left ulnar nerve repaired (surgery on my elbow to relocate a nerve that was pinched into a spot it wouldn't pinch anymore.). Now, I have been in the ER and hospitalized so many times that I am well know to the doctors, nurses and PCA's and even some of the kitchen staff and housekeepers. I am now on Disability because of my illnesses and because I spend so much time in the hospital that there is no way I could be employed.
Cushing's stole my life because there was at one point that I was in a wheelchair to get around. I was so big I couldn't give myself a bath because I would get too exhausted. I couldn't do laundry, wash dishes, do any household chores. I was too tired and hurt too much all the time. Cushing's robbed me of just normal everyday life. The things most people take for granted, I couldn't do because of Cushing's.
What do I miss the most? The time I have lost because I know just how precious time is. I missed out on memories that I can never make now. My kids are growing up so fast and there is no way for me to make up for that missed time. I have missed out on first days of school and the report afterwards of how the school year was going to be. I even missed out on the daily grind, the normal stuff. I can't make memories off of the time I was in the hospital because of Cushing's. Or in bed sleeping and not functioning because of Cushing's. I know life is precious. It can be gone in the blink of an eye. You have to live life to the fullest and get everything you can out of it. You never know when something is going to happen and your life will change forever.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Advise for those waiting
What would I tell others trying to be diagnosed?
Yes. The BIG question... What to tell someone else who is trying to be diagnosed? That is the million dollar question. I have some very basic advise, but I hope it helps at least one person. First, I would say to make sure you have told your doctor every symptom you are having. Don't think that they just want to hear about the ones you think are major problems. They need to know about every last symptom. Sometimes it's the simple things that are bothering us that alone they don't mean anything, but when they happen together it is something major going wrong. My first husband went to the doctor for a sore throat, after a lot of tests and a biopsy he came out diagnosed with Stage 4 kidney cancer. He died two and a half months after being diagnosed. He was 36 years old. When he went to the doctor many times he would tell them about his sore throat, his cough, the pain in his side and how it woke him up at night, his nausea, him losing a lot of weight all of a sudden, or just feeling like he was choking. But he never told him about all of these symptoms at once. Separately, it looked like he had a virus or a bug of some sort. Together, it amounted to symptoms to look for something more serious, like cancer.
Second, I would say to trust yourself. When you are going through these tests and you get some normal results don't worry or doubt yourself. There have been many of us that have gotten normal results on some tests for one reason or another, but we trudged forward and ended up getting the Cushing's diagnosis. My endo told me to always trust myself. I know my body better than anyone else. I even know how to treat myself better than most ER doctors. I usually end up telling them what medicines to give me and what tests to run.
My tests had come back normal ranges when I was testing for Cushing's and my endo thought there was no way I had it then. I ended up talking to my him and going off most of my medications for a week or two before my body had cleansed itself of the meds and how they helped regulate some things in my body. After my body was cleansed and when they re-tested and low and behold, my tests came back out of ranges and indicating I had Cushing's Syndrome. It also showed that I had high blood pressure and diabetes.
Believe in yourself. You know your body. You know when something is not right. You know better than anyone possibly can. So, don't give up. Stick with it. Change your doctor if the one you have won't listen to you or take you seriously. Good Luck and Good Health.
Yes. The BIG question... What to tell someone else who is trying to be diagnosed? That is the million dollar question. I have some very basic advise, but I hope it helps at least one person. First, I would say to make sure you have told your doctor every symptom you are having. Don't think that they just want to hear about the ones you think are major problems. They need to know about every last symptom. Sometimes it's the simple things that are bothering us that alone they don't mean anything, but when they happen together it is something major going wrong. My first husband went to the doctor for a sore throat, after a lot of tests and a biopsy he came out diagnosed with Stage 4 kidney cancer. He died two and a half months after being diagnosed. He was 36 years old. When he went to the doctor many times he would tell them about his sore throat, his cough, the pain in his side and how it woke him up at night, his nausea, him losing a lot of weight all of a sudden, or just feeling like he was choking. But he never told him about all of these symptoms at once. Separately, it looked like he had a virus or a bug of some sort. Together, it amounted to symptoms to look for something more serious, like cancer.
Second, I would say to trust yourself. When you are going through these tests and you get some normal results don't worry or doubt yourself. There have been many of us that have gotten normal results on some tests for one reason or another, but we trudged forward and ended up getting the Cushing's diagnosis. My endo told me to always trust myself. I know my body better than anyone else. I even know how to treat myself better than most ER doctors. I usually end up telling them what medicines to give me and what tests to run.
My tests had come back normal ranges when I was testing for Cushing's and my endo thought there was no way I had it then. I ended up talking to my him and going off most of my medications for a week or two before my body had cleansed itself of the meds and how they helped regulate some things in my body. After my body was cleansed and when they re-tested and low and behold, my tests came back out of ranges and indicating I had Cushing's Syndrome. It also showed that I had high blood pressure and diabetes.
Believe in yourself. You know your body. You know when something is not right. You know better than anyone possibly can. So, don't give up. Stick with it. Change your doctor if the one you have won't listen to you or take you seriously. Good Luck and Good Health.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
•In what ways have Cushing’s made you a better person?
This is an easy question for me to tackle. Cushing's has made me a better person in many ways. I now have learned how to slow down and not take life for granted. I enjoy doing laundry, making beds, folding clothes and putting them away, washing dishes, all the little things that I used to complain about. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but I felt worthless when I couldn't do those things. At least I know if I am doing those things that I am contributing to my family. I want to be a contributing member of society. The little things I can do make me happy. Even bathing myself is an accomplishment that I am very proud of. I had gotten to the point, at a very low time in my life, that I couldn't bathe myself. I had to have someone do that for me. And then, even with someone else doing the work, it wore me out. I ended up taking a 2 - 3 hour nap because I was so tired.
I used to take walking for granted. I ended up in a wheelchair and discovered just how hard life can be if you are confined to a wheelchair. People were very judgmental and hostile towards me when I was in the wheelchair. I remember going to a zoo with my kids and the devil. The devil was pushing me in the wheelchair as we looked at the exhibits. I had several people walk into me and then got mad at me. They crowded me out of areas, I got dirty looks, and just very rude behavior towards me. I was astonished at this treatment. It really made me realize how judgmental society is. I know that most of the dirty looks and judgmental attitude I got were not the result of me being a wheelchair. They were the result of me being as overweight as I was. At my highest weight I was able to weigh, I was 395 lbs. That not something I'm proud of, but I'm not ashamed of it either. The reason I'm not ashamed is because I tried for over a year to get help. I went to doctor, I ate healthier and smaller portion, and I exercised. I did what I was supposed to do. It wasn't my fault that I was that overweight. I had a terrible, deadly disease that could have killed me if it had gone untreated for much longer. I wasn't sitting on the couch eating bon bons and watching tv. I was working and doing things around my house, and walking and living my life. You can't just judge someone because of the size they are or the way they look. You never know what battles they have fought or are currently fighting. There are so many invisible disabilities that people have. Things that are absolutely crippling that people are fighting every day of their lives. They don't give up, they fight like hell. And what do they get in return, when they go into society they are harshly judged. I used to be one of those people doing the judging, but not anymore. I learned from Cushing's what life can do to you and you have no control over it. I am not judgmental anymore. I know that everyone has a story and unless you know their story, you have no right to say a thing about that person.
I take my time to enjoy every little thing in life. When my kids are happy and celebrating some victory, I celebrate it with them. I wrap those memories up and keep them close to my heart because they won't be little for long and I've already lost a few years. Here's the surprising thing, when my kids are bad... they may be disobeying, or throwing a fit, or just being downright mean... I cherish those times also. Don't get me wrong, I still punish them and correct their behavior, but I also cherish the lesson that I am able to teach them. I do this because I know one day when they are grown up and and out on their own I'm gonna miss all those moments. So I don't sweat the little stuff and most of it is little stuff. I can't afford to sweat it. I'm diabetic in addition to having Cushing's. Stress is bad for both diseases. It can hurt you and your health extensively. So I get some weird looks from my kids some time when they just know I'm going to yell at them and instead I say, "I love you." and leave it at that.
I am better because I'm me. I have been through the battle and I am winning. I have almost died 5 times, but I didn't. There is a reason for me to be alive and I'm searching for that reason. In the meantime, I am going to try to spread the word that Cushing's is a horrible disease. It takes over your life and destroys life as you knew it. But, if you try hard enough, you can rebuild your life and be an even better person than you were before... My final thought on this, Don't judge people. You don't know what battle they may be fighting. You don't know their story. They may have an invisible illness or disease and you just don't have a right to belittle this person and make them feel even worse. Have some empathy and smile and if you must say something, tell them to have a nice day....
I used to take walking for granted. I ended up in a wheelchair and discovered just how hard life can be if you are confined to a wheelchair. People were very judgmental and hostile towards me when I was in the wheelchair. I remember going to a zoo with my kids and the devil. The devil was pushing me in the wheelchair as we looked at the exhibits. I had several people walk into me and then got mad at me. They crowded me out of areas, I got dirty looks, and just very rude behavior towards me. I was astonished at this treatment. It really made me realize how judgmental society is. I know that most of the dirty looks and judgmental attitude I got were not the result of me being a wheelchair. They were the result of me being as overweight as I was. At my highest weight I was able to weigh, I was 395 lbs. That not something I'm proud of, but I'm not ashamed of it either. The reason I'm not ashamed is because I tried for over a year to get help. I went to doctor, I ate healthier and smaller portion, and I exercised. I did what I was supposed to do. It wasn't my fault that I was that overweight. I had a terrible, deadly disease that could have killed me if it had gone untreated for much longer. I wasn't sitting on the couch eating bon bons and watching tv. I was working and doing things around my house, and walking and living my life. You can't just judge someone because of the size they are or the way they look. You never know what battles they have fought or are currently fighting. There are so many invisible disabilities that people have. Things that are absolutely crippling that people are fighting every day of their lives. They don't give up, they fight like hell. And what do they get in return, when they go into society they are harshly judged. I used to be one of those people doing the judging, but not anymore. I learned from Cushing's what life can do to you and you have no control over it. I am not judgmental anymore. I know that everyone has a story and unless you know their story, you have no right to say a thing about that person.
I take my time to enjoy every little thing in life. When my kids are happy and celebrating some victory, I celebrate it with them. I wrap those memories up and keep them close to my heart because they won't be little for long and I've already lost a few years. Here's the surprising thing, when my kids are bad... they may be disobeying, or throwing a fit, or just being downright mean... I cherish those times also. Don't get me wrong, I still punish them and correct their behavior, but I also cherish the lesson that I am able to teach them. I do this because I know one day when they are grown up and and out on their own I'm gonna miss all those moments. So I don't sweat the little stuff and most of it is little stuff. I can't afford to sweat it. I'm diabetic in addition to having Cushing's. Stress is bad for both diseases. It can hurt you and your health extensively. So I get some weird looks from my kids some time when they just know I'm going to yell at them and instead I say, "I love you." and leave it at that.
I am better because I'm me. I have been through the battle and I am winning. I have almost died 5 times, but I didn't. There is a reason for me to be alive and I'm searching for that reason. In the meantime, I am going to try to spread the word that Cushing's is a horrible disease. It takes over your life and destroys life as you knew it. But, if you try hard enough, you can rebuild your life and be an even better person than you were before... My final thought on this, Don't judge people. You don't know what battle they may be fighting. You don't know their story. They may have an invisible illness or disease and you just don't have a right to belittle this person and make them feel even worse. Have some empathy and smile and if you must say something, tell them to have a nice day....
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
April 1, 2015... accepting the challenge
I have accepted the challenge to participate in the Fourth Annual Cushing's Awareness Challenge. This is a challenge for me to blog every day in the month of April. There are a variety of topics and questions that were kindly provided to give me some inspiration. April 8 is Cushing's Awareness Day and also is Dr. Harvey Cushing's birthday. So, Challenge accepted... here goes .....
My challenges with Cushing’s:
I have had many challenges as the result of having Cushing's. When I first noticed symptoms I was having, everything really happened rather quickly. I would have pains in my feet that made them hard to even walk. I started getting weak, aching muscles. Insomnia started to be a regular thing. Sitting and watching tv or reading a book I would suddenly break out in full body sweats like I had just run a marathon. I had trouble breathing. More frequent head aches, some severe Migraines. I would get so sick from my migraines that I would be vomiting. I remember one day I was going home from work and I had such a bad migraine I could barely see. I took all the back roads that were less traveled to be safer while I was driving. What was normally a 20 minute drive took me three hours to get home. I came in the door, went straight to my bedroom, and collapsed for the rest of the night.
Little things started happening.. like I would be checking books for damage at work and suddenly I couldn't hold onto the book. I would end up dropping it. Or I noticed that I wasn't as fast at checking things in as I used to be. My muscles were sore all the time. I saw floaties in front of my eyes. I was dizzy most of the time. And the worst of all was the weight gain. I had started eating healthier and working out because I was feeling pretty good about my prospect in life at that point. I was walking 4 - 5 time a week and eating lots of salads and fresh veggies. It didn't make sense. I was gaining weight very quickly. I gained over 50 lbs in about four months. I started going to the doctor then. I knew something was wrong. There was no way I could gain that much weight and not have some kind of medical issue.
I guess you could consider that my first major challenge... Getting the doctors to listen and take me seriously. My doctor suggested blood work to see if any abnormality could be identified. Labs came back with red and white blood counts off. They were "suspicious" but we would just wait a few weeks and then try again. Maybe my body was getting over some kind of infection that I wasn't aware of. So, we waited and retested... Same result... "suspicious" red and white count. They shouldn't be this off... the doctors words, not mine. But again we repeated the tests over and over and over again. My symptoms were still there. Gaining more weight. I was gaining from 3 - 5 lbs per WEEK. That's right.. not monthly but WEEKLY. The final straw came for that doctor when I went to her for yet more labs and I was expressing my frustration. By this point I had gained over 100 lbs in about 8 months time. I was morbidly obese and closing in on some major medical issues because of my weight. I knew I couldn't survive much longer like this. The doctor told me that I should be celebrating. At least I'd only gained 2 lbs that week. That was it for me. I went home, found the number for my dad's doctor, and called and made an appointment with him. It was several months out, but at least I would have a good doctor finally.
Going to my new doctor turned my life around. Dr. H is absolutely amazing. He suspected Cushing's from the time he laid eyes on me. We got to work with labs and a few days later I was being referred to an endocrinologist. Over the course of the next 8 months I would go through many horrific tests, try having needles stuck in your body, especially in your skull and they shoot electricity through them. But in the end, on October 31, 2012 I finally had a successful surgery and came out of it alive. I had many more challenges as we went. By this point I was not able to walk, I used a wheelchair to get around. I could not bathe myself, it was too tiring. I had to have help and then ended up taking a nap for 2 or 3 hours after because it wore me out so much. I couldn't do laundry, dishes, make dinner, or anything. I was pretty much bed ridden. I could sit up and talk, a little. But even that wore me out. I spent most of my time sleeping. It was so frustrating to me.
I was missing out on so much of my kids lives. From parent teacher conference to school plays and performances, I was missing it all. Sure, someone would record it for me... but let's not kid ourselves.. it's not the same. I was increasingly sick, getting new diagnosis all the time. I had spent a good portion of my time of 2012 in and out of the hospital for testing, a failed surgery, a successful surgery, and some various illnesses.
December 25, 2012.. Christmas morning and my kids, the devil, and I were all gathered in our living room opening Christmas presents. The kids were having a blast and very excited about the gifts they were unwrapping. I had unwrapped one present. Then, this feeling came over me and I knew I needed medical help. All I could do was look up at my so-called husband at the time aka the devil and say "Help Me." He looked and me and ask what was wrong. I just kept saying "Help Me. I need help. Help Me." And then I passed out. 911 was called and the ambulance arrived. I have a cloudy memory of that. For the most part it felt like an out of body experience. Like I was watching my life play out in slow motion. I was rushed to the hospital. I have pneumonia, respiratory distress, and a few other complications. I was in the hospital for about a week to 10 days with that episode. I would say that I spent about 98% of 2013 in the hospital. No joke. I have the medical records to back me up on this one. Every major holiday, non major holiday, family birthdays, and even just your run of the mill days, I was in the hospital. All the nurses throughout the hospital at Cox South in Springfield, Missouri know me now. The only floor I haven't been on during this illness is the maternity floor. Almost all the doctors and nurses in the emergency room there know me also.
I have gradually gotten better over time. Throwing the devil out and filing for divorce last year helped me so much. The divorce frees me up from that sick entanglement. I am rid of him. My health has gotten so much better since he left. I now walk on my own, with occasional assistance. But I can walk. My kids and I walked to the park that about a mile from our house a few weekends ago. It was amazing. Had been years since I had done that. We played for several hours and then walked home.
I can do dishes, laundry, bathe myself. Still get tired occasionally, but am still able to stay awake. I'm just aware that I am tired. I have gained so many illnesses since being diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome. And now, we test again. I have started having some of the symptoms again. Breaking out in full body sweats when I am just sitting and reading. Sore, weak muscles. Joint pain. and worst of all... weight gain, AGAIN. I had lost a little over 100 lbs after my surgery and was almost back to my original weight. I was so proud of myself. Now I have gained between 45 - 50 lbs back. So, my endo is tapering me off my hydrocortisone. Then, after I am totally off of it for a week, we do labs to see where my numbers are. He suspects I might have another tumor.. here we go again, another challenge to beat.....
My challenges with Cushing’s:
I have had many challenges as the result of having Cushing's. When I first noticed symptoms I was having, everything really happened rather quickly. I would have pains in my feet that made them hard to even walk. I started getting weak, aching muscles. Insomnia started to be a regular thing. Sitting and watching tv or reading a book I would suddenly break out in full body sweats like I had just run a marathon. I had trouble breathing. More frequent head aches, some severe Migraines. I would get so sick from my migraines that I would be vomiting. I remember one day I was going home from work and I had such a bad migraine I could barely see. I took all the back roads that were less traveled to be safer while I was driving. What was normally a 20 minute drive took me three hours to get home. I came in the door, went straight to my bedroom, and collapsed for the rest of the night.
Little things started happening.. like I would be checking books for damage at work and suddenly I couldn't hold onto the book. I would end up dropping it. Or I noticed that I wasn't as fast at checking things in as I used to be. My muscles were sore all the time. I saw floaties in front of my eyes. I was dizzy most of the time. And the worst of all was the weight gain. I had started eating healthier and working out because I was feeling pretty good about my prospect in life at that point. I was walking 4 - 5 time a week and eating lots of salads and fresh veggies. It didn't make sense. I was gaining weight very quickly. I gained over 50 lbs in about four months. I started going to the doctor then. I knew something was wrong. There was no way I could gain that much weight and not have some kind of medical issue.
I guess you could consider that my first major challenge... Getting the doctors to listen and take me seriously. My doctor suggested blood work to see if any abnormality could be identified. Labs came back with red and white blood counts off. They were "suspicious" but we would just wait a few weeks and then try again. Maybe my body was getting over some kind of infection that I wasn't aware of. So, we waited and retested... Same result... "suspicious" red and white count. They shouldn't be this off... the doctors words, not mine. But again we repeated the tests over and over and over again. My symptoms were still there. Gaining more weight. I was gaining from 3 - 5 lbs per WEEK. That's right.. not monthly but WEEKLY. The final straw came for that doctor when I went to her for yet more labs and I was expressing my frustration. By this point I had gained over 100 lbs in about 8 months time. I was morbidly obese and closing in on some major medical issues because of my weight. I knew I couldn't survive much longer like this. The doctor told me that I should be celebrating. At least I'd only gained 2 lbs that week. That was it for me. I went home, found the number for my dad's doctor, and called and made an appointment with him. It was several months out, but at least I would have a good doctor finally.
Going to my new doctor turned my life around. Dr. H is absolutely amazing. He suspected Cushing's from the time he laid eyes on me. We got to work with labs and a few days later I was being referred to an endocrinologist. Over the course of the next 8 months I would go through many horrific tests, try having needles stuck in your body, especially in your skull and they shoot electricity through them. But in the end, on October 31, 2012 I finally had a successful surgery and came out of it alive. I had many more challenges as we went. By this point I was not able to walk, I used a wheelchair to get around. I could not bathe myself, it was too tiring. I had to have help and then ended up taking a nap for 2 or 3 hours after because it wore me out so much. I couldn't do laundry, dishes, make dinner, or anything. I was pretty much bed ridden. I could sit up and talk, a little. But even that wore me out. I spent most of my time sleeping. It was so frustrating to me.
I was missing out on so much of my kids lives. From parent teacher conference to school plays and performances, I was missing it all. Sure, someone would record it for me... but let's not kid ourselves.. it's not the same. I was increasingly sick, getting new diagnosis all the time. I had spent a good portion of my time of 2012 in and out of the hospital for testing, a failed surgery, a successful surgery, and some various illnesses.
December 25, 2012.. Christmas morning and my kids, the devil, and I were all gathered in our living room opening Christmas presents. The kids were having a blast and very excited about the gifts they were unwrapping. I had unwrapped one present. Then, this feeling came over me and I knew I needed medical help. All I could do was look up at my so-called husband at the time aka the devil and say "Help Me." He looked and me and ask what was wrong. I just kept saying "Help Me. I need help. Help Me." And then I passed out. 911 was called and the ambulance arrived. I have a cloudy memory of that. For the most part it felt like an out of body experience. Like I was watching my life play out in slow motion. I was rushed to the hospital. I have pneumonia, respiratory distress, and a few other complications. I was in the hospital for about a week to 10 days with that episode. I would say that I spent about 98% of 2013 in the hospital. No joke. I have the medical records to back me up on this one. Every major holiday, non major holiday, family birthdays, and even just your run of the mill days, I was in the hospital. All the nurses throughout the hospital at Cox South in Springfield, Missouri know me now. The only floor I haven't been on during this illness is the maternity floor. Almost all the doctors and nurses in the emergency room there know me also.
I have gradually gotten better over time. Throwing the devil out and filing for divorce last year helped me so much. The divorce frees me up from that sick entanglement. I am rid of him. My health has gotten so much better since he left. I now walk on my own, with occasional assistance. But I can walk. My kids and I walked to the park that about a mile from our house a few weekends ago. It was amazing. Had been years since I had done that. We played for several hours and then walked home.
I can do dishes, laundry, bathe myself. Still get tired occasionally, but am still able to stay awake. I'm just aware that I am tired. I have gained so many illnesses since being diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome. And now, we test again. I have started having some of the symptoms again. Breaking out in full body sweats when I am just sitting and reading. Sore, weak muscles. Joint pain. and worst of all... weight gain, AGAIN. I had lost a little over 100 lbs after my surgery and was almost back to my original weight. I was so proud of myself. Now I have gained between 45 - 50 lbs back. So, my endo is tapering me off my hydrocortisone. Then, after I am totally off of it for a week, we do labs to see where my numbers are. He suspects I might have another tumor.. here we go again, another challenge to beat.....
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Testing... Testing...
It's been a few years since I went through my journey of testing for Cushing's Syndrome. I remember the anticipation, fear, worry, horror, and just the jumble of emotions I was feeling at the time. I went through a number of doctors before I finally found someone who cared. A doctor who actually practiced medicine and wanted to find out what was wrong with me and help me get better. My primary care doctor figured out what was wrong with me the minute he walked in the room and saw me. We just had to jump through all the hoops and do all the testing. He ran blood tests, called within a couple of days and I was referred to an endocrinologist. My initial blood work showed a tumor of some sort in my body.
I was referred to the endo and we started testing. I had previously been diagnosed with PCOS and pre-diabetes many years before the doctors suspected I had Cushing's Syndrome. I was put on Metformin at the time to help control these issues. I was still taking it. When I was in the process of testing for Cushing's many of my tests were coming out in the low to normal range, especially my cortisol readings. I refused to let my endo delay me further in getting some kind of diagnosis. I had cried myself to sleep too many times. I was gaining weight at an alarming rate. I couldn't give up once I had finally found something that made sense. Something that I could get fixed. Something that would let me have a light at the end of my tunnel. I ask my endo if it were possible that the medications I was on could be affecting my lab results. He said there was a possibility. We discussed this at length and agreed to take me off all my medicines so my body would have a "normal" or "clean" result. I was supposed to be off all meds for a month but it took less than two weeks to have my blood sugar shoot up 600+. I was hospitalized to stabilize my blood sugar and my other tests were re-ordered. This time they came out pretty much by the book for Cushing's. My cortisol tested very high. So I finally had my answer. I still had to take the dex suppression test. I failed it. I was finally diagnosed with Cushing's. Now, to figure out if it was a pituitary or adrenal tumor. The blood test I had taken at my primary care doctors office had indicated an adrenal tumor. So, I was sent for an MRI of my abdomen. I made sure to tell the technician that they were checking for a tumor on my adrenal glands. I had already told my endo that they were going to find a tumor on my right adrenal gland. I even told him that I could pinpoint for him exactly where the tumor and adrenal gland were located at that time. I had been having excruciating pain in my right side that would wake me up from a deep sleep. It had started out happening maybe once or twice a month. It was now to the point I could barely sleep. I woke up numerous times a night in agonizing pain. I even tried to sleep sitting up to see if that would help. Trying to relieve as much pressure as possible from my back.
Finally, the MRI results were in. My endo called me personally, on a Saturday that he was NOT on call. He was supposed to be off. But, he knew I was anxiously awaiting my results, so he called me to say they were in. He knew I had access to my online records. He advised me to sit down, read over the test results, do the research he knew I would be doing, and then he scheduled an appointment with me for the following week so we could go over the test results in person. He said if I had any questions before that to feel free to call and ask him. I went home immediately and read my results. Right side adrenal gland tumor. They could not tell if it were cancerous or not. They did recommend surgical intervention to remove the adrenal gland and tumor. Finally, after all this time, I had a light. It wasn't real bright, but it was there. I still had a lot to figure out and a lot to go through, but at least I knew which direction I was headed.
I tell this story just to let you know if you are in the testing stages of anything medical, don't get discouraged or give up. You know your body better than anyone else does. Discuss with your doctor any possibility that medication you may be taking could affect your test results. Try to look at all angles to figure out what your problem might be. Good Luck and Good Health to all. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
I was referred to the endo and we started testing. I had previously been diagnosed with PCOS and pre-diabetes many years before the doctors suspected I had Cushing's Syndrome. I was put on Metformin at the time to help control these issues. I was still taking it. When I was in the process of testing for Cushing's many of my tests were coming out in the low to normal range, especially my cortisol readings. I refused to let my endo delay me further in getting some kind of diagnosis. I had cried myself to sleep too many times. I was gaining weight at an alarming rate. I couldn't give up once I had finally found something that made sense. Something that I could get fixed. Something that would let me have a light at the end of my tunnel. I ask my endo if it were possible that the medications I was on could be affecting my lab results. He said there was a possibility. We discussed this at length and agreed to take me off all my medicines so my body would have a "normal" or "clean" result. I was supposed to be off all meds for a month but it took less than two weeks to have my blood sugar shoot up 600+. I was hospitalized to stabilize my blood sugar and my other tests were re-ordered. This time they came out pretty much by the book for Cushing's. My cortisol tested very high. So I finally had my answer. I still had to take the dex suppression test. I failed it. I was finally diagnosed with Cushing's. Now, to figure out if it was a pituitary or adrenal tumor. The blood test I had taken at my primary care doctors office had indicated an adrenal tumor. So, I was sent for an MRI of my abdomen. I made sure to tell the technician that they were checking for a tumor on my adrenal glands. I had already told my endo that they were going to find a tumor on my right adrenal gland. I even told him that I could pinpoint for him exactly where the tumor and adrenal gland were located at that time. I had been having excruciating pain in my right side that would wake me up from a deep sleep. It had started out happening maybe once or twice a month. It was now to the point I could barely sleep. I woke up numerous times a night in agonizing pain. I even tried to sleep sitting up to see if that would help. Trying to relieve as much pressure as possible from my back.
Finally, the MRI results were in. My endo called me personally, on a Saturday that he was NOT on call. He was supposed to be off. But, he knew I was anxiously awaiting my results, so he called me to say they were in. He knew I had access to my online records. He advised me to sit down, read over the test results, do the research he knew I would be doing, and then he scheduled an appointment with me for the following week so we could go over the test results in person. He said if I had any questions before that to feel free to call and ask him. I went home immediately and read my results. Right side adrenal gland tumor. They could not tell if it were cancerous or not. They did recommend surgical intervention to remove the adrenal gland and tumor. Finally, after all this time, I had a light. It wasn't real bright, but it was there. I still had a lot to figure out and a lot to go through, but at least I knew which direction I was headed.
I tell this story just to let you know if you are in the testing stages of anything medical, don't get discouraged or give up. You know your body better than anyone else does. Discuss with your doctor any possibility that medication you may be taking could affect your test results. Try to look at all angles to figure out what your problem might be. Good Luck and Good Health to all. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Life in general
It's hard when you have a disease to concentrate on life in general. Everyday life is no longer "normal" for you. You have to refocus your thoughts and energy to fighting this disease you have. When you have multiple chronic illnesses it becomes even more stressful. Having problems like diabetes, Cushing's, and sleep apnea, for example, require you to focus on what you eat, how you go through your day, medication, insulin (if needed), time management (crucial to planning meals and medicines). Something as simple as what time you eat, take your medicine, check your blood sugars, etc. become very important. It really can change the outcome of your day and how you feel in general.
It's very hard to plan a day ahead of time. You can't really make long distance obligations. If you do, you must make sure everyone involved in those plans know that you may have to cancel at the last minute. Having these diseases you really do have to live day to day and moment to moment. I can be totally fine, happy, up and moving around one minute and sick, vomiting, body aches, maybe my blood sugar is off, maybe I have a cortisol rush the next minute and I feel like crap. Or the reverse can happen. I have actually cancelled plans because I felt like crap and then was able to regulate medicines and insulin enough to get better and make it to an event after all.
It's important to have a support system in your life. I used to have a strong, loving support system. Or so I thought. Stupid me. I now have a select few people who are VERY close to me and offer support on a daily basis. I have my mom. She is my blessing. She is my friend. She takes care of me. I admire my mom for all she has been through and that she is still living on her own, functioning, living a productive life. I also have two of my kids... My 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son. They love mommy very much and they are here for me. They understand my illnesses, my medications, and my craziness. They know what to do when mom gets sick. They take such good care of me. It sounds strange, but it was very refreshing a couple of weeks ago. They were both sick and I was the healthy one. It was strange but I loved being able to take care of my kids and get them well. That's the way it's supposed to be. Mom taking care of kids, not the other way around. Not at the age they are anyway. Then, you have my oldest daughter. She isn't supportive at all anymore. She told me that all I can do is talk about my health and how bad off I am. I am a "waste of her time and breath." That was a fine slap in the face to hear. But, I respect her opinion as her own. She is entitled to think and feel however she wants. So, I also respect that she wants nothing to do with me now. It hurts, stings, burns, is very sad. But I respect it and I go on with my life. It's her loss. I will always be here and always love her. I pray that one day she will speak to me again and we can have a healthy relationship. Only time will tell.
I have become more active in some of my Facebook Groups. I really enjoy talking to my fellow diabetics and Cushies. They are wonderful to talk to because we all understand one another. Who better to truly understand you then someone who actually walks a mile in shoes like yours? They may not have exactly the same problems because everyone is different. But it's close enough. They KNOW what you are going through. We can talk and vent and help one another. Support systems are important. In becoming more active I have come up with a catch phrase I like to end my posts with.... Good Luck and Good Health to you all.
It's very hard to plan a day ahead of time. You can't really make long distance obligations. If you do, you must make sure everyone involved in those plans know that you may have to cancel at the last minute. Having these diseases you really do have to live day to day and moment to moment. I can be totally fine, happy, up and moving around one minute and sick, vomiting, body aches, maybe my blood sugar is off, maybe I have a cortisol rush the next minute and I feel like crap. Or the reverse can happen. I have actually cancelled plans because I felt like crap and then was able to regulate medicines and insulin enough to get better and make it to an event after all.
It's important to have a support system in your life. I used to have a strong, loving support system. Or so I thought. Stupid me. I now have a select few people who are VERY close to me and offer support on a daily basis. I have my mom. She is my blessing. She is my friend. She takes care of me. I admire my mom for all she has been through and that she is still living on her own, functioning, living a productive life. I also have two of my kids... My 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son. They love mommy very much and they are here for me. They understand my illnesses, my medications, and my craziness. They know what to do when mom gets sick. They take such good care of me. It sounds strange, but it was very refreshing a couple of weeks ago. They were both sick and I was the healthy one. It was strange but I loved being able to take care of my kids and get them well. That's the way it's supposed to be. Mom taking care of kids, not the other way around. Not at the age they are anyway. Then, you have my oldest daughter. She isn't supportive at all anymore. She told me that all I can do is talk about my health and how bad off I am. I am a "waste of her time and breath." That was a fine slap in the face to hear. But, I respect her opinion as her own. She is entitled to think and feel however she wants. So, I also respect that she wants nothing to do with me now. It hurts, stings, burns, is very sad. But I respect it and I go on with my life. It's her loss. I will always be here and always love her. I pray that one day she will speak to me again and we can have a healthy relationship. Only time will tell.
I have become more active in some of my Facebook Groups. I really enjoy talking to my fellow diabetics and Cushies. They are wonderful to talk to because we all understand one another. Who better to truly understand you then someone who actually walks a mile in shoes like yours? They may not have exactly the same problems because everyone is different. But it's close enough. They KNOW what you are going through. We can talk and vent and help one another. Support systems are important. In becoming more active I have come up with a catch phrase I like to end my posts with.... Good Luck and Good Health to you all.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Slow going......
My kids have been out of school for a week. Monday, March 16 is the last day of Spring Break and then they return to school. First, I can't believe the school year is going so fast. Second, I can't believe they are growing up so fast. Third, I hate the way I have been feeling. My blood sugar has been uncontrolled. I have had several lows during the week. It has really shocked me. I'm used to the highs. That is what I usually run. Anywhere is the 400 - 500 range is what my body and I are used to. Then, I was finally able to get those numbers down and under control. They were actually running from 120 - 170. I know the 170 is high, but not nearly as high as it had been. So, I was happy. We were headed in the right direction. I started having more energy. My chronic pain meds were changed. I was taken off Fentanyl patch every 3 days and morphine every 4 hours for break through pain. My pain management doctor changed me to Butrans patches one a week and Suboxone strips every 12 hours. It is a work in progress. But the pain is a lot less in my lower back and all over in general. So, I have been able to get up and be more productive. Cleaning house, doing dishes, doing laundry, just doing "normal" everyday tasks that I couldn't always do anymore. It has been wonderful. Then, a routine trip to the grocery store for some things turned into a nightmare when I crashed. I have had two such grocery store nightmares now. So, I've learned that even something as mundane as grocery shopping IS considered exercise and you must check blood sugar levels before attempting this.
Why is my life so upside down? I'm scared to do things again. I want to be safe and I certainly don't want to be out somewhere with my kids and crash. That would be frightening for all of us. I'm sure my kids would be able to get help and they would know what to do. But it would also scare them being in public and having to rely on strangers for help. Besides, I've scared them enough when I have gotten sick, I don't need to add to it. I'm very scared of doing things. Even something as simple as walking to the park. I want to be more active and I told the kids we would walk to the park. We live real close to one so it wouldn't be a far off venture. I just haven't felt real good and I want to avoid getting sick on our walk. I know I'm going to have to get over this fear. I need to make the kids lives as normal as possible. I already feel their life is stifled by me because I am a single, diabetic, Cushing's mom. This is a hard role to balance. But I will do a little more research, get a little stronger and braver, and take the kids for that walk. Slow does the trick. I will try to be as relaxed as possible and not push myself too hard. That should keep my symptoms under control and my blood sugar in a good range.
Why is my life so upside down? I'm scared to do things again. I want to be safe and I certainly don't want to be out somewhere with my kids and crash. That would be frightening for all of us. I'm sure my kids would be able to get help and they would know what to do. But it would also scare them being in public and having to rely on strangers for help. Besides, I've scared them enough when I have gotten sick, I don't need to add to it. I'm very scared of doing things. Even something as simple as walking to the park. I want to be more active and I told the kids we would walk to the park. We live real close to one so it wouldn't be a far off venture. I just haven't felt real good and I want to avoid getting sick on our walk. I know I'm going to have to get over this fear. I need to make the kids lives as normal as possible. I already feel their life is stifled by me because I am a single, diabetic, Cushing's mom. This is a hard role to balance. But I will do a little more research, get a little stronger and braver, and take the kids for that walk. Slow does the trick. I will try to be as relaxed as possible and not push myself too hard. That should keep my symptoms under control and my blood sugar in a good range.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Checking in with the doctors.....
I keep regular appointments with my doctors. I see them very often. Fortunately, I have been doing well enough that I see my family doctor about once every three months. My endo is a little more complicated. I had worked up to where I was only seeing him every six months as long as I check in and see his Physician Assistant every two to three months. That was when I was doing better. In the last few weeks to month my blood sugar has decided to not stay in control anymore. I think this is due, in part, to my activity level increasing. My pain management doctor put me on a new medicine. I am on a Butrans patch that I change once a week and I also take Suboxone twice a day. It is a strip that dissolves under my tongue. So, pain is under better control and I am up and functioning more. It is liberating to be able to stand for longer periods and do my dishes or laundry or even be able to take a shower without needing a nap afterwards. I still get tired, but not as tired and not for as long. I am finally making progress.
Now comes the trouble. Since I am up and moving more my blood sugar has been all over the place. First it will be too high. So I will take my insulin, drink my water, and do some household chores or go to the store. Then, I crash!!! Grocery shopping is an absolute nightmare because I have crashed the last two times I have went shopping. It has been a disaster. Luckily, my mom and kids are with me so they save me. But my numbers keep bouncing up and down and all around. I have to find some way to get this under control again. In addition to this I am having new symptoms. I can be totally awake and with it one minute. Then next minute I am out like a light. It's been happening to me a lot at night. Then I will wake up again and be fine. I will be dizzy and my head feels weird, but otherwise fine. I've also been having seizure like symptoms when my bs numbers get too low. I certainly hope I'm not starting to have diabetic seizures. I guess only time will tell. I've also started gaining weight again, but just in my middle. I've had an increasing numbers of headaches and migraines lately. Blurry vision, or barely being able to see sometimes also scares me. I hope I'm not having a recurrence of Cushing's. I'm trying to move forward and get better. NOT take steps backwards and get worse or new illnesses.
I start therapy next week. I hope it will help me work through issues that I have. I am also hoping I can learn some relaxation techniques so I'm not so stressed all the time. Getting help with my anxiety attacks would be another good thing. I'm looking forward to a bright, beautiful life. March 26th I have three very important appointments. I see my eye doctor at 9:30 am. I will have my diabetic checkup and see what is going on with my eyes. Maybe he will be able to see if there is a real problem or just some symptoms when my numbers are screwed up. At 11:15 am I will see my family doctor. I will talk to him about excessive bleeding in my stools again. Not all the time, but enough times to worry me. I will also talk to him about the dizziness and light headedness. Then, if he doesn't have the answers for me, I will be seeing my endo at 2:00 pm that day. I'm hoping by the end of the day I feel better by at least having some answers. Figuring out what is going on with my body will be a big relief.
My kids and I are looking toward the future. I have a new man in my life. He is a career Army man. Has been in the Army for 28 years. He is currently stationed in Turkey doing some work against terrorism and ISIS. We talk online through messenger and emails. We have quickly become friends and enjoy talking about the future. Our hopes and dreams have a lot in common. We enjoy a lot of the same things and dream about most of the same things for our futures. I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Now comes the trouble. Since I am up and moving more my blood sugar has been all over the place. First it will be too high. So I will take my insulin, drink my water, and do some household chores or go to the store. Then, I crash!!! Grocery shopping is an absolute nightmare because I have crashed the last two times I have went shopping. It has been a disaster. Luckily, my mom and kids are with me so they save me. But my numbers keep bouncing up and down and all around. I have to find some way to get this under control again. In addition to this I am having new symptoms. I can be totally awake and with it one minute. Then next minute I am out like a light. It's been happening to me a lot at night. Then I will wake up again and be fine. I will be dizzy and my head feels weird, but otherwise fine. I've also been having seizure like symptoms when my bs numbers get too low. I certainly hope I'm not starting to have diabetic seizures. I guess only time will tell. I've also started gaining weight again, but just in my middle. I've had an increasing numbers of headaches and migraines lately. Blurry vision, or barely being able to see sometimes also scares me. I hope I'm not having a recurrence of Cushing's. I'm trying to move forward and get better. NOT take steps backwards and get worse or new illnesses.
I start therapy next week. I hope it will help me work through issues that I have. I am also hoping I can learn some relaxation techniques so I'm not so stressed all the time. Getting help with my anxiety attacks would be another good thing. I'm looking forward to a bright, beautiful life. March 26th I have three very important appointments. I see my eye doctor at 9:30 am. I will have my diabetic checkup and see what is going on with my eyes. Maybe he will be able to see if there is a real problem or just some symptoms when my numbers are screwed up. At 11:15 am I will see my family doctor. I will talk to him about excessive bleeding in my stools again. Not all the time, but enough times to worry me. I will also talk to him about the dizziness and light headedness. Then, if he doesn't have the answers for me, I will be seeing my endo at 2:00 pm that day. I'm hoping by the end of the day I feel better by at least having some answers. Figuring out what is going on with my body will be a big relief.
My kids and I are looking toward the future. I have a new man in my life. He is a career Army man. Has been in the Army for 28 years. He is currently stationed in Turkey doing some work against terrorism and ISIS. We talk online through messenger and emails. We have quickly become friends and enjoy talking about the future. Our hopes and dreams have a lot in common. We enjoy a lot of the same things and dream about most of the same things for our futures. I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Starting Over
I have had a lot of bad things happen to me over the years. I could do one of two things, let it define and defeat me OR let me re-define myself and conquer and succeed. So, I start over... Re-define who I am and what I want to do with my life.
First, I am a single mother of 3. Yes, one is out on her own and engaged to be married. I'm still here for her. If and/or when she ever needs me. I know she doesn't want to be around me right now. I will leave it all in Gods' hands to protect her and guide her. Hopefully one day He will guide her back to me. In the meantime, I have two more kids to raise. My 12 year old daughter and my 8 year old son are fabulous. I love them so much. It's strange to say, but I even enjoy when they are fighting. It means they are alive and I am here with them. They will grow up and be out on their own soon enough. I cherish every moment I have with them.
Second, I am still here for a reason. I want to find out what that reason is. Is it to help other children out who have had similar experiences to my kids? Is it to help educate people about Cushing's, Diabetes, and other illnesses? I will figure it out. Then I will be able to be a contributing member of society. I like making a difference and helping people. I want to continue my education and help others. I want to let the world know what Cushing's Syndrome is and how it affects people.
Third, educating people is a passion of mine now. The constant ache, like you have just started working out and you get sore muscles. That is a light example of how the pain feels. Or like you've been run over by a fleet of semis. Just that constant body ache. The decreasing muscle strength. I used to be able to do a lot more than I can do now. I can't always open a new jar or bottle. I have to have help or work extremely hard to open things. Even picking things up is limited. I can't always hold onto things. They drop out of my hands and I don't always know they are dropping. I lose feeling and sensation in my hands and arms sometimes. If I walk for too long, or even just up on my feet, I feel like lava is running up and down my legs. It burns me. There are needles in the lava and they stick and burn me. Even just feeling a light breeze or a light touch absolutely send me into a fit because it hurts so bad. I can't stand for too long or sit for too long. If I sit for too long my legs and body will stiffen up. It's hard to move then. I feel like I'm in slow motion trying to do anything sometimes. You can be feeling ok and then one wrong move and it's over. You feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Only if you curl up in a ball, it hurts worse.
One thing I haven't gotten used to is involuntary stretches. This happens when my body decides to stretch on it's own and I have no control over it. I can't stop it no matter what I do. This HURTS!!!! It's not a fun stretch, not something I want to do. It doesn't relieve stress. The involuntary stretches can come at anytime and last from a few seconds to a few minutes. The longer they last, the more they hurt.
I get to start over. Fresh start. I want to be fun, loving, caring, funny, wonderful, contributing, knowledgeable, sympathetic, and healthy. I am working on my health. I have my pain somewhat under control now. Thanks to my pain care doctor. He is fabulous and has helped me so much. Now I am working on my diabetes and getting better control of my blood sugar numbers. I'm hoping if I can do that maybe some of my weight will start coming off. That's one of the things that is so hard for me. The weight. I've had a weight problem most of my life. I admit that. But now, to the degree that it is, it is because of the Cushing's. People don't understand that I don't sit around the house eating all day. Some days I don't eat at all. Or I eat ice chips. Those are the days that my gastroparesis or pancreatitis are acting up. Or I just may not have an appetite at all. It's a complex world of food and drinks. I have to examine and dissect everything I want to eat or drink to see how it will affect my body. Will it go against one of my many diagnosis? I have certain places I know I cannot eat, no matter what I order. I cannot go to Taco Bell or Domino's. I miss them, I crave them, but I cannot eat them.
But I will turn my life around and make a difference. My thoughts are all over the place right now because I am thinking about so much at once. This is a new chapter in my life. A time for change. A time for better. This is my time.
First, I am a single mother of 3. Yes, one is out on her own and engaged to be married. I'm still here for her. If and/or when she ever needs me. I know she doesn't want to be around me right now. I will leave it all in Gods' hands to protect her and guide her. Hopefully one day He will guide her back to me. In the meantime, I have two more kids to raise. My 12 year old daughter and my 8 year old son are fabulous. I love them so much. It's strange to say, but I even enjoy when they are fighting. It means they are alive and I am here with them. They will grow up and be out on their own soon enough. I cherish every moment I have with them.
Second, I am still here for a reason. I want to find out what that reason is. Is it to help other children out who have had similar experiences to my kids? Is it to help educate people about Cushing's, Diabetes, and other illnesses? I will figure it out. Then I will be able to be a contributing member of society. I like making a difference and helping people. I want to continue my education and help others. I want to let the world know what Cushing's Syndrome is and how it affects people.
Third, educating people is a passion of mine now. The constant ache, like you have just started working out and you get sore muscles. That is a light example of how the pain feels. Or like you've been run over by a fleet of semis. Just that constant body ache. The decreasing muscle strength. I used to be able to do a lot more than I can do now. I can't always open a new jar or bottle. I have to have help or work extremely hard to open things. Even picking things up is limited. I can't always hold onto things. They drop out of my hands and I don't always know they are dropping. I lose feeling and sensation in my hands and arms sometimes. If I walk for too long, or even just up on my feet, I feel like lava is running up and down my legs. It burns me. There are needles in the lava and they stick and burn me. Even just feeling a light breeze or a light touch absolutely send me into a fit because it hurts so bad. I can't stand for too long or sit for too long. If I sit for too long my legs and body will stiffen up. It's hard to move then. I feel like I'm in slow motion trying to do anything sometimes. You can be feeling ok and then one wrong move and it's over. You feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Only if you curl up in a ball, it hurts worse.
One thing I haven't gotten used to is involuntary stretches. This happens when my body decides to stretch on it's own and I have no control over it. I can't stop it no matter what I do. This HURTS!!!! It's not a fun stretch, not something I want to do. It doesn't relieve stress. The involuntary stretches can come at anytime and last from a few seconds to a few minutes. The longer they last, the more they hurt.
I get to start over. Fresh start. I want to be fun, loving, caring, funny, wonderful, contributing, knowledgeable, sympathetic, and healthy. I am working on my health. I have my pain somewhat under control now. Thanks to my pain care doctor. He is fabulous and has helped me so much. Now I am working on my diabetes and getting better control of my blood sugar numbers. I'm hoping if I can do that maybe some of my weight will start coming off. That's one of the things that is so hard for me. The weight. I've had a weight problem most of my life. I admit that. But now, to the degree that it is, it is because of the Cushing's. People don't understand that I don't sit around the house eating all day. Some days I don't eat at all. Or I eat ice chips. Those are the days that my gastroparesis or pancreatitis are acting up. Or I just may not have an appetite at all. It's a complex world of food and drinks. I have to examine and dissect everything I want to eat or drink to see how it will affect my body. Will it go against one of my many diagnosis? I have certain places I know I cannot eat, no matter what I order. I cannot go to Taco Bell or Domino's. I miss them, I crave them, but I cannot eat them.
But I will turn my life around and make a difference. My thoughts are all over the place right now because I am thinking about so much at once. This is a new chapter in my life. A time for change. A time for better. This is my time.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Insomnia... The sleepless nights that never end......
Insomnia is one of the wonderful things I have experienced on a whole new level with Cushing's. It keeps me up nights and many mornings also. I have had times when I couldn't sleep for a couple of days. I survive on naps of 30 - 45 minute intervals. I have done some great things with my time though. I have read books, update my blog, think up a million and one things I should be doing instead of just searching the internet for something exciting. My mind goes a million miles an hour at night. I know I should be sleeping and I even feel guilty because I'm not. I monitor my blood sugar and stress about not sleeping. Many doctors say you should get 7 - 8 hours of sleep at night in order to have more energy and feel refreshed. I'm tired all the time, so why can't I sleep. It's because my freakin' body is going 90 miles an hour. I have a constant "high" going on. My body is stuck in fight or flight mode.
I had my surgery Oct. 31, 2012. Yet somehow my body doesn't understand that. They removed the tumor and my right adrenal gland. My body doesn't believe it. It tells me it won't accept it. I still have "highs" and my heart rate is still high. A normal heart rate before my surgery was anywhere from 150-180. It has slowed down now. On a good day it is between 80-95. On a bad day it is 100-150. I have to talk to my endo about this when I go to my next appt. in a couple of weeks. My left adrenal gland never started working again and I am on 40 mg of hydrocortisone twice daily. This is the only way I can function. I know other people are able to taper off and that is great, for them.... For me, we have tried time and time again to taper me off. When we get below what I am currently taking, my body gets mad at me and fights back. I end up in the hospital for a week or more at a time. It's not pretty. I get really sick, really weak, and really tired. This is the times when the only thing I can do is SLEEP. It's about the only time I get regular sleep. But then sleep is all I do at those times.
So, it seems like I am stuck with the dilemma.... to sleep or not to sleep.... That is MY question.
I had my surgery Oct. 31, 2012. Yet somehow my body doesn't understand that. They removed the tumor and my right adrenal gland. My body doesn't believe it. It tells me it won't accept it. I still have "highs" and my heart rate is still high. A normal heart rate before my surgery was anywhere from 150-180. It has slowed down now. On a good day it is between 80-95. On a bad day it is 100-150. I have to talk to my endo about this when I go to my next appt. in a couple of weeks. My left adrenal gland never started working again and I am on 40 mg of hydrocortisone twice daily. This is the only way I can function. I know other people are able to taper off and that is great, for them.... For me, we have tried time and time again to taper me off. When we get below what I am currently taking, my body gets mad at me and fights back. I end up in the hospital for a week or more at a time. It's not pretty. I get really sick, really weak, and really tired. This is the times when the only thing I can do is SLEEP. It's about the only time I get regular sleep. But then sleep is all I do at those times.
So, it seems like I am stuck with the dilemma.... to sleep or not to sleep.... That is MY question.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Diabetes is evil.......
I had a pretty good day. I cleaned my house thoroughly... Something I haven't been able to do in a very long time. Before my surgery the thoughts of cleaning my house were merely a dream. I couldn't do it. My body hurt too much and I was in way too much pain. I have slowly built myself back up to where I can do it though. My body still aches from the fibromyalgia and other problems I have, but it is tolerable now. I so enjoy cleaning house now. I know that sounds strange, but I appreciate all I can do now. It means I am alive and actually living my life. Pain or no, I am moving and able to do things.
My blood sugar was really strange yesterday. stayed in the 100's or below all day. It was controlled or so I thought. I went to my son's grade school performance last night. It was a really cute performance. Multiple songs about making good choices. All the kids did a really good job. 2nd and 3rd graders are very cute. Anyway, I went grocery shopping afterwards. I had just started out in the store and I started sweating profusely, shaking, confused, head ache. I knew what was happening. Sent my daughter to the register for a Coke and a candy bar. Tested my BS and it was 70. For me that is low and I start having bad symptoms. Got the Coke and candy bar down. Got finished shopping as quickly as possible. Hard to checkout while you are crashing I found. Made it home. Put away groceries. Ate some protein. Got the kids ready for bed and passed out myself. Thank God for my mom. She was here with me and stayed the night to help me. I am so blessed. She is my rock and a wonderful support system for me. Pretty much the only support system I have left. Of course, I have friends and family. Just not many of them that know the extent of my illnesses nor have they been there for me like my mom has. She is there for me every step of the way. I love my mom so much. We have had our differences throughout my life, but whenever the chips were down she has ALWAYS been there for me.
My blood sugar was really strange yesterday. stayed in the 100's or below all day. It was controlled or so I thought. I went to my son's grade school performance last night. It was a really cute performance. Multiple songs about making good choices. All the kids did a really good job. 2nd and 3rd graders are very cute. Anyway, I went grocery shopping afterwards. I had just started out in the store and I started sweating profusely, shaking, confused, head ache. I knew what was happening. Sent my daughter to the register for a Coke and a candy bar. Tested my BS and it was 70. For me that is low and I start having bad symptoms. Got the Coke and candy bar down. Got finished shopping as quickly as possible. Hard to checkout while you are crashing I found. Made it home. Put away groceries. Ate some protein. Got the kids ready for bed and passed out myself. Thank God for my mom. She was here with me and stayed the night to help me. I am so blessed. She is my rock and a wonderful support system for me. Pretty much the only support system I have left. Of course, I have friends and family. Just not many of them that know the extent of my illnesses nor have they been there for me like my mom has. She is there for me every step of the way. I love my mom so much. We have had our differences throughout my life, but whenever the chips were down she has ALWAYS been there for me.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Time marches on
I have discovered that no matter how sick I get or how many illnesses I acquire, time does not stop. My children still keep growing. I have missed numerous school performances, parent/teacher conferences, and just being there for my kids in general. I cherish EVERY moment I have with them now. Whether it's them fighting, not listening to me, telling me they love me for no reason, or just sitting and watching tv. These are all moments I cherish now. I know that time goes all too fast and before I know it my children will be adults and out on there own. I will be at home alone then. I know I will miss them terribly and I will look back on all these moments we are having now and cherish them all that much more.
I knew that stress had an affect on my health. Stress is bad for you during many illnesses, but especially if you have Cushing's or diabetes. I, being the lucky one, have both of these. I try to limit my stress, but let's face it... life is stressful. I have more than my share of stress. I had never really taken the time to really see how it affects me before though. Friday afternoon my 12 year old daughter and I were talking after she got home from school. I had taken my blood sugar just as she came through the door. My blood sugar was at 159 which is actually really good for me. We were talking about my day, which had been particularly stressful. I didn't eat or drink anything while we were talking. I tested my blood sugar an hour later. My bs was now 264. My goodness, it had gone up over 100 points in an hour by me just talking about the stressful day. I took my insulin and tried to relax then. It suddenly sank in. I saw the proof right before my eyes. That really hit and made the point. The light bulb went off. So, I am now trying my best to choose my battles and to let some things go. I can't let stress get the better of me.
I guess I knew already that stress plays a big part in my life because of my Cushing's. Afterall, since "the devil" has not been around me my life has been less stressful. That is evidenced by the change in the frequency of my illnesses. I have spent a considerably smaller amount of time in the ER and hospital since his leaving over 1 year ago. Even more so since his incarceration. Don't get me wrong, I know there has been other changes in my life that have helped. I have figured out certain foods I cannot eat, no matter how much I want them. Domino's pizza and Taco Bell are on my list. I cannot eat these foods without getting sick. I love them and I am happy for those of you who can eat this, but for me it is bad. I end up in the hospital EVERY time I eat Taco Bell. Domino's makes me sick to my stomach and I spend the night vomiting after eating it. No matter what it is that I order from these restaurants, it makes me sick. Sad, I know. : (
Back to time though. It marches on. My oldest daughter has grown up and does not communicate with me any longer. She is an adult and has made her choice, so I honor it. I don't like it. She is my daughter and I will always love her. But I will also honor her choice because I respect her. That is another reason I have learned to cherish the time with my other two children so much. I know how much I will miss them when they are gone. It doesn't matter how much physical pain I feel now from the diabetes, Cushing's, fibromyalgia, or any other illness. None of that can compare to the ache I feel in my heart missing my daughter. Having missed so much. Several years of my and my kids lives. Nothing I can do to change it, just learn from it and move forward with my life. Cherish those you love and who love you. Especially the one who stick beside you through the bad times. It's easy to stick with someone through the good, it takes real, unconditional love to stick with someone when the rainbow isn't evident. The silver lining is gone. I guess that's the silver lining hiding during those bad times is that you find out who you can really rely on.
I feel I have just been rambling, but I hope someone can get something out of what I have said. Be sure to tell those who are there for you and with you how much you appreciate them, and love them. The best comment and praise I have received in my life was from my 12 year old a couple of weeks ago. She told me thank you and I ask her what for. She said, "thank you for living mommy. Through all the times you were sick, you stayed alive for me. Thank you." And for that, I cherish it and I am humbled.
I knew that stress had an affect on my health. Stress is bad for you during many illnesses, but especially if you have Cushing's or diabetes. I, being the lucky one, have both of these. I try to limit my stress, but let's face it... life is stressful. I have more than my share of stress. I had never really taken the time to really see how it affects me before though. Friday afternoon my 12 year old daughter and I were talking after she got home from school. I had taken my blood sugar just as she came through the door. My blood sugar was at 159 which is actually really good for me. We were talking about my day, which had been particularly stressful. I didn't eat or drink anything while we were talking. I tested my blood sugar an hour later. My bs was now 264. My goodness, it had gone up over 100 points in an hour by me just talking about the stressful day. I took my insulin and tried to relax then. It suddenly sank in. I saw the proof right before my eyes. That really hit and made the point. The light bulb went off. So, I am now trying my best to choose my battles and to let some things go. I can't let stress get the better of me.
I guess I knew already that stress plays a big part in my life because of my Cushing's. Afterall, since "the devil" has not been around me my life has been less stressful. That is evidenced by the change in the frequency of my illnesses. I have spent a considerably smaller amount of time in the ER and hospital since his leaving over 1 year ago. Even more so since his incarceration. Don't get me wrong, I know there has been other changes in my life that have helped. I have figured out certain foods I cannot eat, no matter how much I want them. Domino's pizza and Taco Bell are on my list. I cannot eat these foods without getting sick. I love them and I am happy for those of you who can eat this, but for me it is bad. I end up in the hospital EVERY time I eat Taco Bell. Domino's makes me sick to my stomach and I spend the night vomiting after eating it. No matter what it is that I order from these restaurants, it makes me sick. Sad, I know. : (
Back to time though. It marches on. My oldest daughter has grown up and does not communicate with me any longer. She is an adult and has made her choice, so I honor it. I don't like it. She is my daughter and I will always love her. But I will also honor her choice because I respect her. That is another reason I have learned to cherish the time with my other two children so much. I know how much I will miss them when they are gone. It doesn't matter how much physical pain I feel now from the diabetes, Cushing's, fibromyalgia, or any other illness. None of that can compare to the ache I feel in my heart missing my daughter. Having missed so much. Several years of my and my kids lives. Nothing I can do to change it, just learn from it and move forward with my life. Cherish those you love and who love you. Especially the one who stick beside you through the bad times. It's easy to stick with someone through the good, it takes real, unconditional love to stick with someone when the rainbow isn't evident. The silver lining is gone. I guess that's the silver lining hiding during those bad times is that you find out who you can really rely on.
I feel I have just been rambling, but I hope someone can get something out of what I have said. Be sure to tell those who are there for you and with you how much you appreciate them, and love them. The best comment and praise I have received in my life was from my 12 year old a couple of weeks ago. She told me thank you and I ask her what for. She said, "thank you for living mommy. Through all the times you were sick, you stayed alive for me. Thank you." And for that, I cherish it and I am humbled.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Life as I know it, March 1, 2015..... Update and moving forward
It has been so long since I posted last and so much as happened in my life. So, in order to get everyone up to speed, or just get you started, I am going to reintroduce myself.
Hi, my name is Tammy Dinwiddie and I am a 42 year old single mother of 3. I have been married twice. The first time I was married to a wonderful, generous, funny, caring, giving, fabulous man. He was the love of my life. I lost Jimmy to kidney cancer on October 17, 2009. He was 36 years old and I was 37. A widow at 37 years old. That was hard, especially since my father had just passed away on March 6, 2008. I was dealing with a lot and so where my children. We made it through that and many other obstacles. I started dating "the devil" in January 2011. I got pregnant fairly quickly and had a miscarriage on February 28, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year. My health started falling apart, but I thought I'd found someone who loved me and who would take care of me and my kids. So I married "the devil" on August 6, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year, gained over 100 lbs, had blurry vision, saw spots, anxiety attacks, depression, muscle weakness, overall aching, and felt like my body was falling apart. I went to several doctors and got the run around. My red and white blood counts where off but the doctor didn't know why. So, she would retest in several weeks, same result, so we'd retest, etc. etc. etc.
I was falling apart physically and mentally, but I thought "the devil" was taking care of me and my kids. So we were going to be ok. February 2012 I got a new doctor. Walked in his office for my first appointment. He ask a few questions and said he thought I had Cushing's Syndrome. I knew what that was because my oldest daughter had just went through testing for it. Luckily she had tested negative. A few days later I got a call from the nurse, they were referring me to an endocrinologist because of my test results. Several weeks, blood tests, urine tests, MRI and CT scans later I was officially diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome. I also was diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. It was a long year. I went through my first surgery to remove my right adrenal gland on July 2, 2012. It was a failure. My liver was 5 times the size it was supposed to be so they had to stop the surgery. They called a surgeon in St. Louis, MO to set it up for him to do my surgery. They woke me up in the operating room, told me the plan, I agreed with it, seemed to understand.... then I crashed. They had to revive me, put me on a ventilator, and sent me to ICU. My family waited by my side there for five or six hours before I woke up. I recovered from the failed surgery, got to go home, but new symptoms started happening. I would have episodes of slurred speech, all over shaking, weakness, not being able to walk, passing out. My health was going downhill fast.
I have several more tests and had to cancel a couple of surgery before we were able to proceed. October 31, 2012 I had my right adrenalectomy and tumor removal. There was an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland. Luckily it tested negative for cancer. This was supposed to be the big moment for me. The road to recovery was within sight, or so I thought. I was in the hospital for a couple of days and then released to go back home. St. Louis, Missouri is about a four hour drive from Springfield, Missouri. It was a long trip home but well worth it to see my kids and to let them know I would be ok. I went to the ER in Springfield a couple of days later. This was the start of my spiral down. I was in the hospital more than I was home. I showed my kids light on Christmas morning 2012 by passing out while we were opening presents. "The devil" called 911. I had pneumonia and had to be admitted to the hospital. I got out of the hospital on New Year's Eve and spent about 45 minutes out before going back to the ER. I was re-admitted to the hospital.
On and on we went, I would get better for an hour, a few hours, a day, maybe two.... Then I would be back in the hospital. It was a never ending cycle. I spent all major holidays and birthdays that my family celebrates in the hospital. I just couldn't recover. I had gained more illnesses. I now had chronic gastroparesis, chronic pancreatitis, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, two bulging discs in my lower back, two herniated discs in my lower back, arthritis, degenerative back disorder, diabetic neuropathy, adrenal insufficiency, numerous bouts of pneumonia, and the list goes on and on. I have had 5 times when I almost died. I was in a coma, on a ventilator, in ICU about dead. My worst time was November 23, 2013... my middle daughters' 11th birthday. Don't remember much about that day. I have been told I ended up in the hospital, in a coma. The doctors and nurses in the ER worked very hard to save my life. I owe them a lot for that. Thank you just does not cover it. I had pneumonia, respiratory distress, respiratory failure, liver failure, kidney failure, and I was septic. I was in a coma for a couple of days. Why am I still here? That's what I'm trying to figure out.
By the time 2014 was rolling around my marriage was falling apart. "The devil" was definitely showing me he really did not love me or even care about me. I was too much trouble for him. I was sick more than I was home. He had no interest in taking care of me. The beginning of February I told him I wanted a divorce, he agreed without any signs of a fight. I think he was glad to finally be rid of me. He moved out February 28, 2014. I thought things would get better then.
My kids and I slowly started rebuilding our lives. I knew there was a lot to rebuild and try to recover. I felt like I had lost the last three years of my life. I could only remember bits and pieces of it. Cushing's stole my mind in a way. I was so sick and on so many different medicines that I couldn't fully remember a lot of things that had happened. I had huge blocks of time I couldn't remember at all. But I was determined to be stronger and to get back my life. I was an independent single mother before and I would be again.
May 24, 2014 my world changed again. Stress is bad for me. Not only because of my Cushing's but also because of my diabetes. I have struggled with my diabetes and still don't have it under control. Stress came flooding down on me full force that day. I had just sent my kids off for their ride to school when I had a forceful knock on my door. I struggled to get dressed and answer the door. I ask who it was... FBI... WTF???!!!!! The FBI was at my door. They told me not to worry, they were looking for "the devil". Several hours and questions later I tried to make sense of what had just happened. "The devil" I was told, is in to child pornography and had been being investigated for over a year. The FBI had enough evidence on him already to make an arrest.. They took computers, flash drives, discs, etc. Just needed anything that might contain child pornography. They also set up questioning for my children. I vaguely remember my middle daughter telling me "the devil" had touched her. Turns out it was true. I should have done something sooner, but the medication and illnesses had clouded my judgment and I thought I had taken care of things.
Life started falling apart again. "The devil" was questioned and arrested that day. He admitted to touching my daughter and to the child pornography charges. Receiving and distributing child porn. Family members started telling me what a horrible person "the devil" is and about the things he was doing that wasn't right. I started losing people. They don't want to have anything to do with me now because I should have done something sooner for my daughter. It's my fault she was abused they say. So, they don't talk to me and have cut me out of their lives. I have just a few family members that have stayed and support me. My daughter and I were able to appear in Federal Court on February 17, 2015 for "the devils" sentencing. Because we were there with the support of BACA (Biker's Against Child Abuse) and because we put a face on the victims of the abuse.... "The devil" was sentenced to 17 years in prison without the chance of parole. He will also be on lifetime extremely supervised parole after his time is done in prison. He will NOT come near us again. We will make sure of that. We both took a stand that day, my daughter and I, to take back control of our lives. He no longer controls us. Some doctors have speculated that "the devil" could have been poisoning me. Many of the symptoms I have had over the last several years would fit antifreeze poisoning. But we cannot prove that, so I am just thankful that I am getting better every day. The federal charges and sentencing were for the child pornography charges. Now we go to state level and abuse charges because of what he did to my daughter.
I am getting stronger and better every day. Some of my medications have changed recently and that has been for the betterment of my health. At the lowest point in my life I could barely do anything for myself, I could not even bathe without assistance. I was in a wheelchair to get around because I was too weak to stand. Today, March 1, 2015..... I can clean my house, do my dishes, sweep my floor, do my laundry, take care of MY children, bathe myself, and get around on my own. I don't spend as much time in the hospital. Even though I have been to the hospital enough that most of the doctors and nurses know me on a first name basis and so do many of the nurses on the various floors of the hospital and the hospitalists do too. The time between me going to the hospital actually goes into months now. In fact, just a few days ago, both of my kids who are still at home were sick. I was the healthy one. Though I was bummed they were sick, I was glad I was the healthy one and I could take care of them and get them better. I have signed my divorce papers, just waiting my allotted time until they become final. That will be by the end of this month. I consider myself divorced already. My marriage was over a long time ago. I have been used, chewed up and spit out by men, but I will not give up.....
My family and my health are my number one priority. I have to get control of my illnesses, which I am doing. In addition to figuring out the whole Cushing's Syndrome issues, I have my diabetes to learn how to control. I have been diabetic for several years now but I have not taken the steps I need to take to control it. I am working on that now. I will get control of it, it will not control me. I will win this battle one day at a time. I am going to conquer my health issues, find a good man, take care of my kids, love my family, take down "the devil" as much as I can, and live my life to the fullest. I choose to be happy. I choose to be independent. I choose to be free of negative influences in my life.
I will live by a few quotes.
Never, never give up.
I choose Happiness
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe
I think that last one sums me up. I am a wonderful person to be around, but I own my faults and mistakes. If I do something wrong, I admit it and own it. That is mine to bear. But if you truly love me and want to be a part of my life you will love me through the bad times as well as the good. I'm sorry for the mistakes I have made in the past. Unfortunately there isn't a thing I can do to undo those things. I have to move forward now and quit beating myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past. The only way I will get my stress level and mental health under control to is let go and be happy. Learn to live each day as a blessing that it is. I love my kids and my family through good and bad. I hope the feeling is returned.
Buckle up for the ride. My time as come to shine. Battling Cushing's and Diabetes is hitting the front line. Let's see what I can do.....
Hi, my name is Tammy Dinwiddie and I am a 42 year old single mother of 3. I have been married twice. The first time I was married to a wonderful, generous, funny, caring, giving, fabulous man. He was the love of my life. I lost Jimmy to kidney cancer on October 17, 2009. He was 36 years old and I was 37. A widow at 37 years old. That was hard, especially since my father had just passed away on March 6, 2008. I was dealing with a lot and so where my children. We made it through that and many other obstacles. I started dating "the devil" in January 2011. I got pregnant fairly quickly and had a miscarriage on February 28, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year. My health started falling apart, but I thought I'd found someone who loved me and who would take care of me and my kids. So I married "the devil" on August 6, 2011. I had two more miscarriages that year, gained over 100 lbs, had blurry vision, saw spots, anxiety attacks, depression, muscle weakness, overall aching, and felt like my body was falling apart. I went to several doctors and got the run around. My red and white blood counts where off but the doctor didn't know why. So, she would retest in several weeks, same result, so we'd retest, etc. etc. etc.
I was falling apart physically and mentally, but I thought "the devil" was taking care of me and my kids. So we were going to be ok. February 2012 I got a new doctor. Walked in his office for my first appointment. He ask a few questions and said he thought I had Cushing's Syndrome. I knew what that was because my oldest daughter had just went through testing for it. Luckily she had tested negative. A few days later I got a call from the nurse, they were referring me to an endocrinologist because of my test results. Several weeks, blood tests, urine tests, MRI and CT scans later I was officially diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome. I also was diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. It was a long year. I went through my first surgery to remove my right adrenal gland on July 2, 2012. It was a failure. My liver was 5 times the size it was supposed to be so they had to stop the surgery. They called a surgeon in St. Louis, MO to set it up for him to do my surgery. They woke me up in the operating room, told me the plan, I agreed with it, seemed to understand.... then I crashed. They had to revive me, put me on a ventilator, and sent me to ICU. My family waited by my side there for five or six hours before I woke up. I recovered from the failed surgery, got to go home, but new symptoms started happening. I would have episodes of slurred speech, all over shaking, weakness, not being able to walk, passing out. My health was going downhill fast.
I have several more tests and had to cancel a couple of surgery before we were able to proceed. October 31, 2012 I had my right adrenalectomy and tumor removal. There was an egg size tumor on my right adrenal gland. Luckily it tested negative for cancer. This was supposed to be the big moment for me. The road to recovery was within sight, or so I thought. I was in the hospital for a couple of days and then released to go back home. St. Louis, Missouri is about a four hour drive from Springfield, Missouri. It was a long trip home but well worth it to see my kids and to let them know I would be ok. I went to the ER in Springfield a couple of days later. This was the start of my spiral down. I was in the hospital more than I was home. I showed my kids light on Christmas morning 2012 by passing out while we were opening presents. "The devil" called 911. I had pneumonia and had to be admitted to the hospital. I got out of the hospital on New Year's Eve and spent about 45 minutes out before going back to the ER. I was re-admitted to the hospital.
On and on we went, I would get better for an hour, a few hours, a day, maybe two.... Then I would be back in the hospital. It was a never ending cycle. I spent all major holidays and birthdays that my family celebrates in the hospital. I just couldn't recover. I had gained more illnesses. I now had chronic gastroparesis, chronic pancreatitis, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, two bulging discs in my lower back, two herniated discs in my lower back, arthritis, degenerative back disorder, diabetic neuropathy, adrenal insufficiency, numerous bouts of pneumonia, and the list goes on and on. I have had 5 times when I almost died. I was in a coma, on a ventilator, in ICU about dead. My worst time was November 23, 2013... my middle daughters' 11th birthday. Don't remember much about that day. I have been told I ended up in the hospital, in a coma. The doctors and nurses in the ER worked very hard to save my life. I owe them a lot for that. Thank you just does not cover it. I had pneumonia, respiratory distress, respiratory failure, liver failure, kidney failure, and I was septic. I was in a coma for a couple of days. Why am I still here? That's what I'm trying to figure out.
By the time 2014 was rolling around my marriage was falling apart. "The devil" was definitely showing me he really did not love me or even care about me. I was too much trouble for him. I was sick more than I was home. He had no interest in taking care of me. The beginning of February I told him I wanted a divorce, he agreed without any signs of a fight. I think he was glad to finally be rid of me. He moved out February 28, 2014. I thought things would get better then.
My kids and I slowly started rebuilding our lives. I knew there was a lot to rebuild and try to recover. I felt like I had lost the last three years of my life. I could only remember bits and pieces of it. Cushing's stole my mind in a way. I was so sick and on so many different medicines that I couldn't fully remember a lot of things that had happened. I had huge blocks of time I couldn't remember at all. But I was determined to be stronger and to get back my life. I was an independent single mother before and I would be again.
May 24, 2014 my world changed again. Stress is bad for me. Not only because of my Cushing's but also because of my diabetes. I have struggled with my diabetes and still don't have it under control. Stress came flooding down on me full force that day. I had just sent my kids off for their ride to school when I had a forceful knock on my door. I struggled to get dressed and answer the door. I ask who it was... FBI... WTF???!!!!! The FBI was at my door. They told me not to worry, they were looking for "the devil". Several hours and questions later I tried to make sense of what had just happened. "The devil" I was told, is in to child pornography and had been being investigated for over a year. The FBI had enough evidence on him already to make an arrest.. They took computers, flash drives, discs, etc. Just needed anything that might contain child pornography. They also set up questioning for my children. I vaguely remember my middle daughter telling me "the devil" had touched her. Turns out it was true. I should have done something sooner, but the medication and illnesses had clouded my judgment and I thought I had taken care of things.
Life started falling apart again. "The devil" was questioned and arrested that day. He admitted to touching my daughter and to the child pornography charges. Receiving and distributing child porn. Family members started telling me what a horrible person "the devil" is and about the things he was doing that wasn't right. I started losing people. They don't want to have anything to do with me now because I should have done something sooner for my daughter. It's my fault she was abused they say. So, they don't talk to me and have cut me out of their lives. I have just a few family members that have stayed and support me. My daughter and I were able to appear in Federal Court on February 17, 2015 for "the devils" sentencing. Because we were there with the support of BACA (Biker's Against Child Abuse) and because we put a face on the victims of the abuse.... "The devil" was sentenced to 17 years in prison without the chance of parole. He will also be on lifetime extremely supervised parole after his time is done in prison. He will NOT come near us again. We will make sure of that. We both took a stand that day, my daughter and I, to take back control of our lives. He no longer controls us. Some doctors have speculated that "the devil" could have been poisoning me. Many of the symptoms I have had over the last several years would fit antifreeze poisoning. But we cannot prove that, so I am just thankful that I am getting better every day. The federal charges and sentencing were for the child pornography charges. Now we go to state level and abuse charges because of what he did to my daughter.
I am getting stronger and better every day. Some of my medications have changed recently and that has been for the betterment of my health. At the lowest point in my life I could barely do anything for myself, I could not even bathe without assistance. I was in a wheelchair to get around because I was too weak to stand. Today, March 1, 2015..... I can clean my house, do my dishes, sweep my floor, do my laundry, take care of MY children, bathe myself, and get around on my own. I don't spend as much time in the hospital. Even though I have been to the hospital enough that most of the doctors and nurses know me on a first name basis and so do many of the nurses on the various floors of the hospital and the hospitalists do too. The time between me going to the hospital actually goes into months now. In fact, just a few days ago, both of my kids who are still at home were sick. I was the healthy one. Though I was bummed they were sick, I was glad I was the healthy one and I could take care of them and get them better. I have signed my divorce papers, just waiting my allotted time until they become final. That will be by the end of this month. I consider myself divorced already. My marriage was over a long time ago. I have been used, chewed up and spit out by men, but I will not give up.....
My family and my health are my number one priority. I have to get control of my illnesses, which I am doing. In addition to figuring out the whole Cushing's Syndrome issues, I have my diabetes to learn how to control. I have been diabetic for several years now but I have not taken the steps I need to take to control it. I am working on that now. I will get control of it, it will not control me. I will win this battle one day at a time. I am going to conquer my health issues, find a good man, take care of my kids, love my family, take down "the devil" as much as I can, and live my life to the fullest. I choose to be happy. I choose to be independent. I choose to be free of negative influences in my life.
I will live by a few quotes.
Never, never give up.
I choose Happiness
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe
I think that last one sums me up. I am a wonderful person to be around, but I own my faults and mistakes. If I do something wrong, I admit it and own it. That is mine to bear. But if you truly love me and want to be a part of my life you will love me through the bad times as well as the good. I'm sorry for the mistakes I have made in the past. Unfortunately there isn't a thing I can do to undo those things. I have to move forward now and quit beating myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past. The only way I will get my stress level and mental health under control to is let go and be happy. Learn to live each day as a blessing that it is. I love my kids and my family through good and bad. I hope the feeling is returned.
Buckle up for the ride. My time as come to shine. Battling Cushing's and Diabetes is hitting the front line. Let's see what I can do.....
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