So here I sit still waiting for my follow up appointment.  I went to the hospital and got a copy of my operative report today.  I learned that the doctor tore my liver in a small place but was able to cauterize it.  Funny that was never mentioned to me or my family.  I would think that would be important information I should have been told about.  This whole process just gets more frustrating all the time.  I know the surgeon tried his best to do this surgery, but feel many things went wrong that we were not told about.  It still has not been explained as to what happened or why it happended that I ended up on the ventilator for several hours.  No matter now many times my husband or daughter ask what happened, no one would tell them.  That doesn't make me feel very good because it feels like they are trying to cover something up.

My body feels heavy.  I feel like lead.  My arms, legs, chest, everything feels like I am being weighted down.  I have been trying to do more though.  I have been getting up more and trying to move around more.  It just takes so much energy and so much out of me to do so.  I know I look healthy.  To look at me, I look like nothing is wrong with me except that I am grossly overweight.  If people look at me they think that I just need to lose weight and I would be fine.  As my surgeon told me after I got out of surgery, "You are not this way because you sit around eating bon bons. You are this way because you have a serious disease that has made you this way. We need to get this tumor out of you so you can lose weight and get better."  It made me feel better to hear someone say that.  At least that he has done right.  He understands and knows.  It felt validating to have him say that also.  Like I don't have to be ashamed of my size because it really is NOT my fault.

I know this is a long road.  I have gained 100 pounds and I was already overweight.  I just want my health and life back and really can't wait to get started.  I want to be able to go for walks, play in the park with my kids, go on picnics, camping, fishing, clean my house, and do all the "normal" things people usually complain about.  I want to do those things because I miss being able to.  One of these days I am going to be able to complain about them also.  I look forward to that.  I also look forward to continually loving my family and taking care of them like they have and are taking care of me during this whole ordeal.  I couldn't do it without my support system.  My husband, kids, and my mom are the biggest supporters I have right now. I love and appreciate them so much for all they have done and are doing for me.